Grammys 2013: That dress order in full

Let's take a closer look at the peekaboo dress ban.

It's worth noting that this comes from CBS - the broadcaster - rather than the Grammys organisers themselves:

Date:
February 5, 2013, 10:39:56 PM EST

Subject: 55th GRAMMYS: Standard And Practice Wardrobe Advisory

kindly confirm receipt of s&p standards

***GRAMMYS 2013***

CBS Program Practices advises that all talent appearing on camera please adhere to Network policy concerning wardrobe.

Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic.

Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack.

Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic.

Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples.

Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible “puffy” bare skin exposure.

Please avoid commercial identification of actual brand name products on T-shirts.

Foreign language on wardrobe will need to be cleared.

OBSCENITY OR PARTIALLY SEEN OBSCENITY ON WARDROBE IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR BROADCAST.

This as well, pertains to audience members that appear on camera.

Finally, The Network requests that any organized cause visibly spelled out on talent’s wardrobe be avoided.

This would include lapel pins or any other form of accessory.

The stipulation that it's only female breasts that need to be "adequately" covered is good news for Mumford And Sons, who've been up late every night this week putting sequins on their low-cut bikini tops.

What's wonderful about this isn't that CBS felt it was an appropriate intervention in the first place, but that they felt the need to go into such poetic detail.

Puffy Genital Skin. Is that even a thing? Is toned genital skin acceptable?How far from the epicentre do we get before the skin can safely be seen? And does the level network approved puffiness increase or decrease with distance from sexual organs? It's surprising that such a tightly-worded missive fails to provide some sort of measurement assistance.

The suspicion is that this is less about CBS panicking about a stray boob bouncing in the background of an Ed Sheeran performance, and more about trying to make the red carpet less of a spectacle.

The Red Carpet - or hours of unbroken coverage of people just out the shower walking towards a theatre - is carried by cable outfits like E! and TV Guide, rather than CBS. Would it be that CBS is trying to stop its seventeen hour Grammy telecast being edged out of the next day's media coverage by pages and pages of photos of Jennifer Lopez where you can, like, see her underboob.

The last line of the email, though, is the real stinker. Not even a lapel pin or a wristband reflecting something you believe in?

One thing to tell people to put their junk away. Is CBS really in a position to tell people to make their sure their consciences don't peek out from under their shirts, too?