Fa loves Papa Don't Preach: Madonna's dolphin house only a glint in an architect's eye

It would have been easy to believe that Madonna might own a house in Dubai, one which had dolphins in a tank swimming by the living room.

It sounds like the sort of thing that someone with too much money and a sometimes questionable ethical approach might do. And there was a celebrity architect, too, happily sharing the details:

The news came to the fore, when a profile of celebrity architect Joaquín Torres, revealed the plan and a rendering of Madonna’s new Dubai pad, complete with a dolphinarium in her living room.

Torres is best known to have designed the homes of high profile sporting stars, including Cristiano Ronaldo, Zinedine Zidane and a majority of the Real Madrid team; also, let’s not forget styling the plush villa for Hollywood’s golden couple Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem.

Making it worse, the first of Madonna's acolytes who made it to the internet launched a defence which was based on the dolphins being shared with neighbours.

Eventually, the story started to fall apart:

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton carried a statement by the Grammy winner’s rep, which simply said: “Despite reports to the contrary, Madonna does not own a home in Dubai with dolphins.”

Of course, this is actually denying that Madonna and some dolphins co-own a home in Dubai, something which yet hadn't even been suggested.

Torres then made things worse, by taking to Twitter to talk more about the house. And the dolphins. Oh, those beautiful, beautiful dolphins:

When Twitter user Julian posed the question to Torres, whether he has built a home with a ‘dolphin area included’, the architect did not deny this.
He replied: “Yes, we did.”

When Stephanie Wireman asked whether the dolphins were captive or free, Torres simply stated: “Captive.”

Of course they'd be captive. You can't have dolphins wandering round the house, sticking their salty flippers into the cookie jar and constantly putting the water polo on the television.

But Twitter decided to push this point.

However, when Shona Polona asked him whether the house has been physically constructed, Torres further explained: “No, it has not been built. It is just a project.”

He later added to a similar query: “This is just a concept. I am not the developer I am just the designer.”

So that's "yes we did build a home with dolphins trapped in it, if by build you mean 'draw a picture of a house with some dolphins looking through a window".

It is of course ridiculous to think that Madonna would share her home with dolphins. They'd be ripped to shreds by the three Siberian tigers she keeps in her shed.

Justin Bieber: A warning from history

Perhaps leaving people standing around like chumps for two hours is just now a standard part of the Justin Bieber show?

Gordon in the morning: He's so sorry, JLS

Yesterday, you'll recall, Gordon broke off from fawning over JLS to have a quick fawn over N-Dubz instead. However can he apologise to JLS?

Hey, how about running a complete non-story on them?

AFTER months of touring and having to spend hours together on a bus you'd think JLS would be sick of the sight of each other.

Far from it - the boy band have jetted off on their holibags together.

MARVIN, ASTON, ORITSE and JB are today soaking up the sun in Dubai.

Does anyone else hear the sound of Gordon trying to persuade the finance department that he really needs to follow them.

I bet BA will see a surge of bookings for flights to Dubai - the boys will be having to beat girls away with sticks on the beach tomorrow.

I don't think Dubai applies sharia law to quite that extreme, Gordon.

Gordon in the morning: Madonna will dance for coins

Gordon crunches the numbers on Madonna's upcoming Dubai gigs, and discovers that if you divide an unsubstantiated payrate by an estimated length of concert, she'll be earning an eye-catching but completely spurious £83,333 a minute. We love the way Gordo is accurate to the pound level, despite the numbers he'd making being made-up.

And, while we have no doubt that Madonna will be well rewarded for her visits to the United Arab Emirates, would Gordon be confusing the money paid to stage the concert in total with the cash Madonna will be taking to one of her many homes?

Nice to see that The Sun - still, as I understand it, edited by Rebekah Wade, she of the campaign to rid the nation of paedophiles (and any paediatricians who got caught in the cross-fire, and blokes who were just a little weird but probably up to something) - manages to find room to run slobbering pieces by Gordon over photos of Geri Halliwell dressed as a schoolgirl ("to act out a few fantas. . . I mean sketches") and photos of Angelina Jolie when she was a schoolgirl ("she took part in the racy swimsuit shoot with photographer SEAN McCALL. Looking very fresh-faced, Angelina wore a range of skimpy outfits including a bikini and one-piece bathing suit.")

Grooverider: Not so Fabio

Grooverider has pleaded guilty to taking drugs into the United Arab Emirates, and is now settling down to a four year sentence in Dubai. His defence was the drugs had been in his pocket and forgotten about, rather than actively smuggled:

"It's ridiculous. I must have forgotten the spliff. It was a small amount. Back home I would not even get prosecuted," he said last month in an interview from his prison cell.

Not, perhaps, the most diplomatic language to be using prior to a trial for possession in a famously drug-sceptic nation - it's a bit like shouting at the judge "I am an opium eater and in my decadent homeland we'd be smoking crack out of your children's lunchboxes".

Fabio is going to continue to present the Fabio and Grooverider show, while Grooverider considers an appeal and hoping nobody misunderstands his nickname on the cell block.

Grooverider blows it

Grooverider, off the radio, has been arrested in Dubai.

Raymond Bingham (as he really is) was there to play a dj set; unfortunately, authorities reckon they've discovered drugs and porn in his stuff:

Ram Nath, the music promoter who organised the show, said that he warned Mr Bingham of the strict laws of the country before his departure from London.

“I sent a fax to him explaining all of our laws, including what he could and could not bring into the country. Unfortunately, he was booked by police before he got out of the airport,” Mr Nath said.

To make things worse for Grooverider, he's now going to be sued by Mr Nath to get back the losses caused by the set being canceled. First, of course, he's going to have negotiate a criminal hearing in the UAE.