Gordon in the morning: Grunt and grapple

Tom from Kasabian has taken a part in a sitcom.

I know what you're thinking: a remake of Terry And June is long overdue, but this doesn't sound like it's going to be as good as that. Walk Like A Panther, set in 1970s wrestling world and - according to the NME :

He'll play a mentally-deranged doorman in the '70s-set comedy, Walk Like A Panther, with TV chef Marco Pierre White set for a cameo. There are rumours that Noel Gallagher may pop up on screen somewhere.

Where would they find someone foolish enough to invest in that creaking set-up?

The whole scenario sounds like an idea first chopped up on Serge Pizzorno's coffee table at 3am. Which is probably pretty much the measure of how it came about – Serge has bankrolled the whole thing.

Oh.

It's written by Dan Cadan, which the NME thinks is a guarantee of quality:

the full line-up reveals that things could be a far more promising affair – the script has been written by Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels writer Dan Cadan

Oddly, IMDB does agree that Cadan has a credit on Lock Stock - but as "runner". By the time of Snatch, he was up to "assistant: Mr Ritchie". His writing credits prior to Panther runs to three movies - a rhyming tale about the devil, TV Movie Dancestar USA - which had Yoko Ono drift by - and Filth And Wisdom. He co-wrote that with Madonna. I'd totally forgotten "Madonna's directorial debut" even though I wrote about it at the time. More than once.

Anyway, where were we? Oh, yes, Tom Kasabian's new acting role in a sitcom written by the runner from Lock, Stock. Apparently Tom found it challenging. He told Q, and Gordon has copied it out, and now we'll copy it too:

"I loved it but I was s****ing myself first of all. When I was driving on set I was thinking, 'F*** f*** f***'. It was more nerve-racking than playing Glastonbury."

To be fair to Tom, doing something you might not be very good at in front of a crowd of people can be very nerve-wracking. So Glastonbury must be pretty scary.

But, fair play to the man, he does have a good gag up his sleeve:

"Kasabian and the music comes first. Having said that, if someone said they were remaking Labyrinth I'd be quite up for playing the part of the Goblin King."

See if Serge'll put his hands in his pockets, Tom.

REG loves Madge

Fancy that, eh? Richard E Grant - who stars in Madonna's movie Filth and Wisdom - reckons that Madonna is a great director:

"She is somebody who is so determined to stretch in every direction and I really admire that.

"Believe me, the number of directors that I have worked with who don't have half her ability makes me believe she has a real talent."

Richard's ability to separate wheat and chaff is demonstrated by just how many of those Argos adverts he made. Because if he could cheerfully turn up and do those, we're not sure his sense of judgement is calibrated on any scale known to us.

Madonna tells people what to do

The 3AM Girls have spotted Madonna making her film director debut:

MADONNA left nothing to chance in making sure her directorial debut goes with military precision.

How? Carefully pre-drafted plans? Clear storyboarding? A team of people who actually know what the hell they're doing?

Erm, no:

The pop queen donned an army-style hat on the set of her comedy Filth And Wisdom in London's East End.

Ah, yes. It's a little known fact that Hitchcock's success was down purely to his Reg Varney style cap, worn across all projects from first location scout to last edit.

The film is going to be a comedy, which means that Madonna's not bothering to stick to what she knows...

Meanwhile, not to be outdone, husband Guy Ritchie is returning to movie-making with another gangster film.

...unlike Guy.