Gordon in the morning: Film 2009

What does Gordon Smart - or Someone Still Loves You Guy Ritchie, to give him his pen name - have this morning? Over-excited praise for Ritchie's new film:

It Sher looks good

Sherlock Holmes, you see. Sher looks.

So, has Gordon had a sneak peak of the film? Got a glimpse of the rushes? Been to the set?

Not quite.

GUY RITCHIE’s new Sherlock Holmes movie looks better and better every time snaps of it cross my path.

Oh. You've seen a handful of stills. Hey, it might look a bit slavish to lavish praise on a film based on a couple of artfully posed shots, but it's not like Gordon's staking his reputation having only seen the storyboards, is it?

Guy told me last year he was going back to the detective’s dark roots.

Did you know Sherlock was a bare-knuckle fighter with a taste for dodgy substances in the original tales?

Seriously? You're asking us that seriously, Gordon?

What's coming tomorrow, Gordon: "you might not know, but in the original story Hamlet was actually a member of a royal family?" "It's a little-known fact, but if you check the first books, Poirot wasn't French at all; he was Belgian"?

But let's not assume that Gordon is out of his comfort zone here; he's also got another film story this morning as he cooks up a falling out between Gwyneth Paltrow and Scarlett Johansson on the set of Iron Man 2:

While Scarlett has been donning sexy catsuits and carrying guns for the scenes shot so far, Gwyneth has mainly had to settle for prim business suits.

But she has been assured she will get her moment to come out all guns blazing in the flick’s action-packed finale.

She's "been assured" of that. Because, presumably, she was quite unable to read the end of the script in which she'd be doing that, then?

Gordon in the morning: Overplayed overdoses

Today's Bizarre online leads with a big splash trumpeting:

Truth of Amy's TWO overdoses

Oddly, given the space online dedicated to this story - bylined Virgina Wheeler - it doesn't make the print version of Bizarre and seems to be nowhere near the front of the paper, either. (The headline today is that the paper has helped nab a bloke who was trying to sell "sexy" snaps of William and Kate. These were pictures taken of them on holiday; frustratingly for the Sun, they were on a stolen camera and so the paper has had to do one of its 'how good are we, not getting involved' stories.

So, why the shyness over the Amy Overdose story - perhaps because it's really weak - sourced to a "pal" who somehow also seems to be a psychiatric expert:

“She is in need of years of psychiatry and medical treatment if she has a hope.”

And it's not really anything surprising or new. The surprise is not how downplayed the tale is in the paper, but how prominent it is online. It's almost like the Sun is just invading her privacy on this occasion to try and keep the right of way open.

Meanwhile, Bizarre proper is marked by a spot of lame photoshoppery inspired by the possibility of Russell Crowe playing Doctor Watson. Actually, I say photoshoppery - it's more like they've got Crowe to sit in one of those photobooths that superimposes cartoon hats and moutstaches on your face. It truly is a sight to see.

We hope this project runs into the sand as quickly as it should

In an apparent attempt to trounce that movie Joey went to make in Las Vegas, Britney is lined up to play Sherlock Holmes in a film.

The plot - and you might want to weigh it down at each corner with a large stone - revolves around Britney living at 221b Baker Street (which might delight the staff of the Abbey National, who actually live there). To fill in time, she starts to answer letters that come there addressed to Holmes.

As a result, she finds herself trying to solve the kidnap of the President's son.

Jesus, we have precious little faith in the FBI, but surely even their general level of cluelessness wouldn't persuade them to try and enlist a fictional detective to solve such a high profile crime? No wonder they've not been able to work out who killed Jon Bennett Ramsey - doubtless they're waiting to see what Lt Columbo responds with.