We are all of us in the gutter, but some are pretending to be seeing stars

They're taking We Will Rock You on a tour round the country - I think the phrase is "sharing the pain" - and they're planning to make a bit of a fuss in Edinburgh:

Queen stars Brian May and Roger Taylor have revealed they will join the star-studded cast of the smash hit musical based on the band for the opening night at the Playhouse next Wednesday.

Didn't ask Paul Rogers, then?

Still, a star-studded cast. That's exciting. Who have you got studding the cast with these stars?

The announcement is a huge boost for the thousands of fans who have already snapped up some of the tickets for We Will Rock You, expecting to see the likes of Darren Day and Coronation Street actor Kevin Kennedy sing Queen classics.

Is that a star-studded cast or not? Because the phrase "it's a huge boost" implies that, without the presence of May and Taylor, it'd be a bit of a let-down. "Cheer up, there's two of the people who actually got in the way of Freddie Mercury going to be on stage."

May said: "We are completely hands-on, and we will be visiting.

"People definitely come out of the theatre feeling that in a strange way they now know us, Queen, and our struggle, our journey."

They come away understanding your journey? But this is the plot of the play:

We Will Rock You' is a futuristic tale which tells of a massive corporation - Globalsoft - which sends computer generated music to all of the people on the planet. Singing, musical instruments, and any expression of creativity, are banned. But Lost Texts are known to exist which talk of music from years gone by. A group of rebels (the Bohemians) strive to discover the lost music, and bring down the corporation. The two heroes, Galileo and Scaramouche, discover musical instruments buried in rock, which they use to vaporise the head of the corporation (The Killer Queen), and send the Power Of Rock around the world to free the masses, thus enabling the masses to be musically creative once again.

You do know that isn't something which happened to you, don't you, Brian? If people are coming out of the theatre going 'thank god Scaramouche out of Queen found those hidden guitars', not only have they not understood your journey, but they've confused made-up bobbins with real life.

Hit Me With Your Outrage Stick

Trouble over at the Hit Me! The Life And Rhymes Of Ian Dury, claims the Daily Mail:

West End star sacked after refusing to work with sex offender Chris Langham

As the story then goes on explain, the actor - Jud Charlton - was, indeed, sacked, but not because he refused to work with Langham because he was a sex offender, but because the producers had brought in Langham to make changes to the play with which he did not agree. So a more honest headline might have been 'actor sacked after refusing the use new script', but then, of course, the Mail might not have been able to froth up some paedophilia-screech to fill its columns.

Langham's work on the Dury play hasn't been heralded, which the Mail also treats as somehow being wrong and dirty and secret:

Paul Roffey, director of leading child protection agency Ray Wyre Associates, said producers should make Langham's involvement public.

He said: 'Why have the producers been so secretive about Chris Langham's involvement? The fact remains that he's been convicted of crimes to warrant a custodial sentence.

'He is required to state his place of employment on the sex offenders register and if his work on this play means he will be spending time at this public place then he has to declare it.'

But given that the sex offenders' register isn't a public document, Roffey has no way of knowing if Langham has or hasn't told the police about the work on the play. And you'd think someone from a consultancy (rather than an agency) might know the answer to the question 'why have the producers been secretive about Langham's involvement'? After all, despite the wishes of the Mail and The Sun, it's not yet demanded by law that people on the sex offenders' register have to have their presence in buildings announced by the painting of red crosses on the door; maybe the producers felt that by mentioning it, it might distract slightly from the play itself, and lead to it becoming to a focus for the outraged and confused?

Dreaming is free

The coming together of two of the creeping weeds choking theatre ("two of the great themes of modern theatre") as the play-adpated-from-a-well-known-movie meets the musical-based-on-back-catalogue, as someone pokes Blondie songs into Desperately Seeking Susan. Debbie Harry's even written a single new song to go with the old songs, which makes it even more like a greatest hits collection.

Coming next week: Romancing The Stone, with Carter USM songs dropped in at random points.

So... she's acting thin?

We've read this item in Zoe's Sunday Mirror 'gossip' column, and still can't quite work it out:

THE reason Courtney Love has shed pounds has been revealed. Her demanding lead role in a West End play that will transfer to Broadway. means she has to break down on stage about the end of an affair. Hence the need to get in physical and mental shape...

[Punctuation Zoe's own]

So, the only reason Courtney has had her surprisingly swift weight loss - nothing strange about that, oh no - was because she's going to be in a play? But you only have to be thin to be in a play on Broadway? Eh?