Kelly Osbourne calls for hard work, gumption

Kelly Osbourne didn't get where she is today relying on other people, and wants the rest of us to pull our bloody socks up:

"I find it easier being in America. The UK is a lot harder, people have this kick you while you are down mentality. It seems like some teenagers just want to get pregnant so they can get a bigger council house.

"It is not OK for girls to want to grow up to be a WAG. I find that frustrating."

Yes, Kelly, there are teenagers who currently have council houses, and those council house-holding teenagers plan to go out and get pregnant in order to be moved to larger council houses.

This is especially true if you're living in a world where the Daily Mail is right, or - perhaps - in 1973.

But it's so pleasant to see that Kelly is, in effect, channeling Michael Caine and Paul Dacre simultaneously. Given that Kelly has been constantly handed jobs on account of who she is, despite her inability to perform the basic functions those positons required, you might think she'd been treated pretty well in the UK.

Apparently not well enough. Perhaps it's because we tend to point out to her that she's actually a bit rubbish at presenting things. Not like in America, where even Glenn Beck gets his own show despite having several social handicaps which suggest it would be better for him if he just had a nice sit down.

Kelly, of course, has achieved... erm, whatever it is she's achieved only though her natural... advantages

"A lot of celebrity kids don't do that much with their lives. You are in a position where you are so lucky - you can do whatever you want.

"A lot of them waste their lives going to parties and being mean to other people."

Whereas, of course, Kelly spends her time going to rehab and being mean to Lily Allen, Lady GaGa, Kate Moss and her boyfriend, tube drivers, Jennifer Lopez and Victoria Beckham, Simon Cowell, Peaches Geldof and, fresh to that list, British teenagers.

Oh, but hang on

Northerns do it faster

The good people at Uncut have commissioned a spot of research into the musical tastes of the nation, which has produced a diverting - if somewhat dubious - finding that suggests Scottish music fans prefer tracks 110 beats per minute faster than Southern English music fans. As you head north, they claim, the favoured type of music gets faster.

That's another reason for the flopping of Atomic Kitten, then - they should have done something a bit more upbeat. Now it makes sense.

John Lewis, who's done the research, does offer a surprising statistic:

"Half the classical music in the country is sold from two HMV branches in the capital. It's a staggering figure."

We presume he means half of HMV's classical music sales, rather than 50% of all classical music sold in the UK; that really would be an extraordinary claim.

But music slowing down as you head south? Hmm. That sounds even less likely.

[A larger version of the map is available on the BBC News website]