Sunday, April 29, 2007

Soggy sex with Amy Winehouse

You should always approach "my nights with..." stories in tabloids with extreme caution, so we're assuming very little in the Amy Winehouse kiss and tell in today's News of the World is based in fact, or not at least expanded about sixteen times to fit the needs of a journalist holding a chequebook:

WILDCAT Amy Winehouse went so beserk during sex she almost DROWNED her ex-lover as she romped screaming on top of him in a bath.

Beserk, romping bathroom sex, eh?
The beehived beauty shoved astonished 21-year-old Alex Claire's head under the bubbles while she bounced towards bliss surrounded by flickering candles on the night they met.

There is another possibility, that maybe she was trying to drown him. Alex remembers in almost near-perfect journalese:
"She had a very striking face with big brown eyes that suck you in. I was gazing at it when suddenly she pushed me down," said Alex, spilling the truth about their torrid year-long affair.

"I was under for several seconds. I couldn't breathe and started freaking out. Then she pulled my head up. I was gasping for breath but Amy carried on as if it was perfectly normal behaviour. I thought, ‘Wow, you've got balls'."

The discovery of balls didn't seem to faze Alex, who took this surprising and hitherto undocumented Crying Game moment on the chin (don't conjure up the mental image) and went on to do it "all over her place" three times. Which suggests Winehouse has a somewhat small flat.
Claire has the look of a Mickey Pearce who's been left sitting in a newsagent's window until all the colour has drained from his face. He goes on to detail bondage, ice and public sex which seems a lot less sexy when you're telling a newspaper about it rather than actually doing it.