Gordon in the morning: No Chilis for old men

What's the big story from the world showbizzy gossip this morning, then, Gordon?

Zep ace no fan of new music

Yes, Gordon is leading with the not entirely Earth-shattering news that Robert Plant is more fond of music from his generation:

[T]he grumpy singer made his feelings well known in a bar in Camden, North London, last week.

It turns out that Robert didn't like Radiohead or the Red Hot Chili Peppers much, and asked the staff if they had any Captain Beefheart.

Or, as Gordon puts it:

Zep legend demands Sixties nut not Chilis on pub jukebox

"Sixties nut". We wonder if Gordon had to Wikipedia Beefheart before coming up with such a descriptive term.

Actually, we're fairly certain it wouldn't have been a jukebox, would it, as you don't need to get the staff to change the tunes on one of those - you just do it yourself. That's kind of the point of a jukebox.

Having made this the top story, Gordon then realises 'chap asks for CD to be changed in pub' is going to need quite a bit of padding to make it to the bottom of the column.

So... um...

Led Zep’s brilliant reunion at London O2 Arena last year won them a new generation of fans.

Did it? Wasn't it full of the fans of the original generation?

What that "brilliant" gig wasn't full of was, erm, you, was it, Gordon?

I was gutted when I had to miss it to watch the SPICE GIRLS launch their tour in America. But it seems Robert doesn’t have much time for modern-day musical heroes.

"Gutted" when you "had to" miss it? Aren't you the editor?

Still, having reminded us that it was Pete Samson who reported on the biggest gig of last year for Bizarre readers, Gordon's still nowhere near the bottom of the page. So he embarks on comparisons between Led Zep and the bands Plant didn't want to hear:

Okay, so he might not like po-faced Radiohead and I don’t think they and Led Zep have much in common.

The 1970s rockers travelled the world in their fuel-guzzling jet — while THOM YORKE’s lot would probably prefer transport fuelled by recycled teabags.

Eh? "I can't listen to this band, they have an environmental agenda whereas I own a private jet". Right.

But what of the Chili Peppers, Gordon?

But comparing Chili tracks to nursery rhymes? Has old Percy finally lost the plot?

You're getting a little over-familiar there, Gordon, aren't you?

Hmm. Still some space to fill. Have you still got that Wikipedia page on Captain Beefheart open, Gordo?

You’re unlikely to hear Beefheart — AKA DON VAN VLIET — in your average bar. He wrote strange songs with odd timings and surreal lyrics.

His best-known album was 1969’s Trout Mask Replica, considered a masterpiece by fans.

He recorded with his Magic Band and also collaborated with fellow oddball FRANK ZAPPA.

I don't know whether I find "he wrote strange songs with odd timings" or "he recorded with his Magic Band" the more delicious example of 'man who likes Kasabian struggles to imagine what it must all mean' here.

But still, the bottom of the page is far, far off, meaning Gordon has to break out the speculation:

But if Radiohead and ANTHONY KIEDIS and the Chilis, are crap, I would hate to hear what Robert has to say about most of the rest of the current chart. He obviously judges everyone by his own band’s high standards.

Smart can't quite bring himself to carry through the logic of his own article and slam Plant, to judge by that mealy-mouthed "high standards" bit.

One more sentence, Gordon, and you can get back to sticking pictures from Nuts in your scrapbook. Come on, my son:

My source added: “Radiohead and the Chilis are two of the biggest and best groups in the world. But it seems they don’t compare to Beefheart in Plant’s mind.”

Now, that's the sort of tip-top contact that makes Gordon the obvious choice to edit Bizarre - having someone who will give him an off-the-record briefing that reveals that Radiohead and the Chili Peppers are "big" and "good" is the sort of scoop that Woodward and Bernstein could only have dreamed of. And we're minded to believe that it was another secret source who explained that, when someone says 'turn off Radiohead and the Peppers and put Beefheart on', that might mean that person prefers Beefheart to the other two, but Gordon has grafted these comments together to form a composite. And that's journalism.