Monday, March 16, 2009

Gordon in the morning: He eats a lot of salad

Gordon has closed his entirely pointless poll to find out what his "readers" want Michael Jackson to play, still pretending that it's in some way related to the songs that the famous warning from history will actually feature:

My poll will now be shown to the legendary King Of Pop before he makes a final selection.

Probably. Possibly.

Gordon knows it's been tough for his readers:
This is a man who has had more hit songs than I’ve had hot dinners, so it can’t have been an easy task to narrow down your favourites.

From this we can calculate that Gordon has eaten somewhere south of fifty hot dinners. I'm assuming he meant it literally because nobody would take such a freezer-burnt old cliche and pop it into an article otherwise, would they?

Supposedly, Bizarre readers want Who Is It, In The Closet and Thriller as the encore. Smart gives no indication what size the poll was to cook up such unlikely results. (Fifty quid to go home with Who Is It hanging in the air? Really?)

Elsewhere, the sound of shouting from a distant street:
RAZORLIGHT are gearing up for a head-to-head battle with their ex-drummer ANDY BURROWS.

Really? They're releasing records on the same day, are they?

Not quite:
Andy, whose songwriting abilities helped Razorlight gain their only No1 single with America, will now spend the next few months putting together a backing band to help his new project — and could be ready to record by the end of the summer.

That would put him on a collision course with Johnny and Co, who will have finished their festival commitments by then and will be recording their fourth album.

So, that's "head-to-head" in the sense of "vague chance they might both release fetid albums in the same accounting quarter". Right up there with other great battles, like when Godzilla and King Kong booked hotel rooms in the same city within six months of each other. Actually, I say Godzilla and King Kong. This battle is more like Bambi fighting a Care Bear.

Smart tells his readers that the record label has annoyed Borrell by making it so:
Egotistical frontman JOHNNY BORRELL is furious that his Universal label have signed up the man who jumped ship just when Razorlight were preparing to break America.

But wouldn't Borrell more-than-likely have already been signed to Universal as part of the contract Razorlight signed?