When you get home, Johnny Borrell is waiting for you

It hasn't been a great twenty four hours for listening to the opinions of those with the initials JB. Joey Barton didn't exactly thrive on Question Time, while Tim Jonze in The Guardian struggles to shape Johnny Borrell's thoughts into some sort of shape.

What could you say as a solo artist that you couldn't with Razorlight?
Err … [long pause, repeats the question] I dunno, I always see more similarities than differences. Errrr … Shit. I dunno. I'm not sure I can answer that with any accuracy whatsoever. Erm, what was the question?

Borrell is a bit vague about the process that went into making his godawful solo album:

I got a group of musicians together and they turned up at my house in the Basque Country to record an album, expecting me to have a studio. But I didn't, I just had a house. We had this 17-year-old kid called João [Mello], who had just turned up from Brazil, playing saxophone.

Now, I might not know how things work in Borrell's world, but I'm pretty sure you don't find seventeen year-old musicians "just turning up" at your door by accident.

Still... Borrell's really pleased at this idea of just turning up, and doing it, in a house.

I didn't have a drum kit so we used buckets instead. Wherever we play – be it a street corner or a festival – there's something very real about it.

That's fair enough, right?

Except... here's Borrell feelings on the problem with modern music:

I think the art of recording is being lost.

That's a bit rich from someone who can't even been arsed to book a studio and find a set of drums.

Jonze then asks about the stupid song titles on the solo record. Borrell doesn't usually read the media, man, but he had read the piece in the Guardian about that:

Well, interestingly, my friend is in literature and she reads the Guardian. She read an article on your website and she said: "Wow, that's amazing, I've never read an article before where the first four sentences all end in an exclamation mark." Now, that's very poor writing. That's got to be bad journalism if your first four sentences have to end with an exclamation mark.

As Jonze points out in a footnote:

None of the first four sentences end with exclamation marks, although the last sentence of the article does end with four!!!!

"A friend in literature" who can't tell the difference between a dog's dick at the end of each sentence and - in a clear Harry Hill reference - an over-the-top four stick at the very end? Now, that's amazing.

He's clearly obsessed with the idea that The Guardian doesn't like him - a pop psychology read would suggest that Borrell is desperate that people consider him sharp, and worldly, and wise; that the Guardian spending a lot of time snickering at him must kill him.

In fact, while we're on the subject of the Guardian, there was somebody on the island, I don't know who, but they wrote a nice letter to the Guardian saying there was never a mention of Johnny Borrell without a mention of his arrogance. And they said that I'd been there for four months and they'd found me to be this and that. So who am I going to trust? The person I've engaged with in their community or the one who's written an article?

It's somewhat difficult to find this letter in the Guardian archive. Although it's amazing that Johnny "very, very rare that I read the press" Borrell managed to come across that piece as well.

Borrell seems convinced he's being asked "leading questions", like The Sun would ask. He's confused the idea of a difficult question with an awkward one.

If we're unlucky, he'll write a song about this. If we're really unlucky, a twelve year-old flautist will turn up at his yurt one day and we'll have to sit through a sodding concept album.

Johnny Borrell: When life gives you a very small lemon, you make a tiny glass of lemonade

Is Johnny Borrell upset by the pissweak sales of his solo album, Borrell1?

Of course he is.

But is he going to admit that?

No way. Take off your shirt and put on your brave face, baby:

''It is being heard and appreciated by as many people as possible! It is!

''If that's 500 people, that's 500 people. If those are the 500 people that are open enough at this point in time to heard this record, f***ing fantastic man.''

After all, if anyone enjoys it, that's a bonus, right?

''I would rather play to 80 people who are switched on enough, and unprejudiced enough, to get what's going on with this band right now, than to play to 80,000 people who are there because that's the CD that's out this year or whatever.''

Yeah, because why would you want to cram your pockets with a payday when you could, instead, be playing the backroom of a pub somewhere for peanuts and the odd lager top?

Because those 80 people (yes, Johnny is assuming about a sixth of everyone who bought the album will turn up) are there just to hear him. Or at least will listen patiently while they're waiting for the meat raffle to be drawn.

The 1975 have a pop at Borrell

Hey, Matt Healy, we don't come down your factory stealing your work, do we?

Asked by The Guardian whether he worries about success turning him into a "complete wanker", Healy replied: "No, I don't. We're not worried about becoming a bunch of wankers because the people who become wankers were always gonna become wankers. Johnny Borrell is a wanker because he's a wanker, not because Razorlight got massive."

There's two problems with this thesis - first, Razorlight got fairly big, but a large portion of their status comes from it being incredibly useful to have a one-man punchline to hand. You can't let something like that slip through your fingers. In part, Johnny Borrell is well-known because he can be a bit wanky.

Secondly, while it's true that Borrell might have been wanky without having had a number one single over half a decade ago, can we be sure that he would have reached his peak wankiness without selling a few records to Ocean Colour Scene fans who'd decided to try to get themselves girlfriends?

If Borrell had, say, followed a career path to become an under-manager at a branch of Marks And Spencers, do we really believe he'd have his shirt off and a pair of white jeans on, pulling the 'battery hen Mick Jagger diorama' pose whenever he saw a camera? Seems unlikely.

Johnny Borrell: When you give life lemons, someone will make lemonade

You know how you can tell when your record sales are really bad? It's when your label stops trying to talk up your record, and joins in the gales of laughter.

I wouldn't normally plonk down an entire press release, but Stiff Records' giggling at Johnny Borrell's sales deserves to be read in full:

Stiff Records is proud to announce first week sales figures for its latest album – Johnny Borrell's 'Borrell 1' – of 594.

'Borrell 1' is the début solo LP from the former Razorlight vocalist and is the first new album on the highly prolific Stiff Records since 2007.

That last album was the multi million-selling two-volume set, '30 Years Of Stiff Records' (although admittedly that was a free cover-mount with 'The Independent on Sunday').

"First week sales of 594 makes 'Borrell 1' the 15,678th best selling album of the year to date," comments a Stiff spokesperson. "So far we've achieved 0.00015% sales of Adele's '21' – and 0.03% sales of this week's No. 1 album from Jahmene Douglas – so we feel like it's all to play for as we move into the all-important week two."

“We might even break the Top 100.”

'Borrell 1' is out now on Stiff Records. If they're dead, we'll sign them.

You could almost feel sorry for Borrell - after all, it's unlikely Stiff warned Borrell that failing to sell any copies beyond his immediate family would result in public humiliation; and, as we know, Borrell does have a precious self-image which might struggle with knowing there are another fifteen and half thousand more popular albums than his. This year alone.

Johnny Borrell is people, after all. And, let's face it, while he might make terrible albums, it's not his fault that someone at Stiff - which is now just a tiny outcrop of Universal - decided to spend money on releasing it.

And given that marketing and promotion is what the major label is meant to provide in return for its cut, this is a bit like an inept surgeon mocking the dead guy on his operating table.

On the other hand: 594. I know Razorlight were growing ranker than a week-gone bobcat left to fester in an open drain towards the end, but were there no curious fans left by the end?

[Thanks for the tip to @curiousiguana]

Borrell pauses unloved band for unlovely solo career

Did you know that Razorlight are still going? Or, at least, they were, only Johnny Borrell has put them on hold. Why, Johnny?

He told French radio station Oui FM: "Razorlight are going to play The Olympia in Paris on April 3rd and after that it's Johnny Borrell, for the moment, and that's Freddy who plays in Razorlight, and Joao who comes from Brazil, who we met playing his saxophone in the street, and it's Darren who plays keyboards."

He's talking about himself both in the third person, and as if he was another three people.

Johnny Borrell stopping Razorlight to concentrate on a band who exist solely to aggrandise Johnny Borrell. It's not much of a difference, is it?

Johnny Borrell and The Borrells get new line-up, look

Of course Razorlight is more than Johnny Borrell and whoever happens to be behind him. Of course. There's a whole new line-up for the band, although nobody seems sure who they actually are.

There are suggestions that they might be spiritual manifestations of Borrell's ego; others have speculated that he had simply grabbed a couple of tramps and used some sort of machine to pump some of his spare self-regard into them.

There is a photo of the new line-up:

There aren't words. And it there were, no self-respecting dictionary would publish them.

Johnny Borrell is so kicked back

Here's something worrying - apparently Razorlight are making a new album:

Johnny [Borrell] told radio station Xfm: "Big bands get too serious about things. You get very self important and rock and roll is not worth taking too seriously."

I know we should be polite and say something encouraging like "You, Johnny? Self-important? Oh, never", but... well, yes. Yes, you're right.

"The last album was a breakup album and I'm not breaking up with anybody at the moment, thank God, so this is another party album."

Another party album? Just because you don't wear a shirt doesn't make the record a party album, Johnny.

"To me it is going back more to the spirit and the energy of 'Up All Night' or the 'Somewhere Else' kind of Razorlight, which is my favourite period of the band - it's an energetic rock 'n' roll album."

I cherish that even when he's telling us how much of a party album he's making, he still sounds serious and self-important.

Xfm tries to get it right; gets it wrong

Actually, we're being unfair. Johnny Borrell presenting a programme on Xfm isn't wrong for the station. Indeed, set against the confused attempts by a mainstream station to try and give itself a veneer of the supposed alternative station in Global's not-very-diverse radio portfolio, putting Borrell on is a radical move. That's what makes it so heartbreaking.

"Xfm are the only station who would let me play Buju Banton next to Allen Ginsberg within the same show. It's going to be one hour each night of the songs they don't play on the radio," said Borrell.

He's right, you know. Of course, any number of radio stations - Radio 1, 2, 3 and 6; NME Radio probably - would have shows with that sort of playlist. But none in their right mind would take Borrell on to play them, for fear of becoming the butt of gags.

Not Xfm, mind, who seem to genuinely believe that Borrell is veiwed as one part Andy Kershaw to two parts Richey Manic:

Paul Jackson, group programme director of Xfm, alongside sister Global Radio stations 95.8 Capital FM and the Hit Music Network, said Borrell was a "creative genius and a great storyteller".

He added: "We've always loved Razorlight at Xfm and we're looking forward to seeing what Johnny does with the show and which tracks he chooses."

Well, at least there's going to be one listener. And Johnny will probably get his mum to tape it for him to listen to when he gets home.

Johnny Borrell and his high standards

Hey, women - do you want to hang out with Johnny Borrell?

Oh.

Well, for the sake of argument, let's say you did. It's not as easy as you might think. Oh, no no:

Borrell's brother Willy tells Britain's The Sun newspaper, "Johnny basically says, 'Go and find me a girl. But she has to be hot and have at least five GCSEs'"

This is, apparently, evidence that Borrell is not a bloated, ignorant, sexist rock cliche. Because what could be more touching than when you ask your brother to "find a girl", you make him ensure they have five GCSEs.

It's almost touching, the idea that having five GCSEs is some sort of bar for towering intellectual achievement. It's a pity Willy doesn't go into a bit more detail - does Johnny insist on maths and English as a minimum? What grades is he looking for? Does the familiarity with a GCSE syllabus give an insight into what Johnny's conversation is like - "ah, Geography, eh? Yeah... I see myself as an ox-bow lake, where the current has silted up my entrance... or... um... Willy, did you find any hot girls who had done physics? I think my kinetic energy patter works better..."

Things get worse for Borrell: Kelly Jones offers advice

Oh, how badly your empire has slipped when the Stereophonics make sympathetic noises about your plight. It's like getting economic advice from Zimbabwe.

Kelly Jones has looked at Razorlight, kicked the wheels and sucked his teeth:

He told MTV: “If there's any band members left by that point... he reminds me of where we were with our third album… in fucking trouble!"

Actually, Kelly, Stereophonics were in trouble from about thirty minutes after everyone realised that Local Boy In The Photograph was as good as it was going to get.

But you're still here, clinging desperately on, like you're Patrick Kielty of pop. So, what's your suggestion for Borrell? How can he... well, if not turn it around, at least still manage the odd slot when the sun is still out at festivals?

"Just change your haircut, they’ll forget all about you then. It’s a new you – Madonna's done it all her life."

The difference is, though - at least for a good chunk of her earlier career - Madonna would emerge from the salon not only with a new cut, but also carrying demo tapes of something interesting, and arresting, and popular.

I must admit, though, I never noticed Kelly Jones getting a new haircut.

Gordon in the morning: He eats a lot of salad

Gordon has closed his entirely pointless poll to find out what his "readers" want Michael Jackson to play, still pretending that it's in some way related to the songs that the famous warning from history will actually feature:

My poll will now be shown to the legendary King Of Pop before he makes a final selection.

Probably. Possibly.

Gordon knows it's been tough for his readers:

This is a man who has had more hit songs than I’ve had hot dinners, so it can’t have been an easy task to narrow down your favourites.

From this we can calculate that Gordon has eaten somewhere south of fifty hot dinners. I'm assuming he meant it literally because nobody would take such a freezer-burnt old cliche and pop it into an article otherwise, would they?

Supposedly, Bizarre readers want Who Is It, In The Closet and Thriller as the encore. Smart gives no indication what size the poll was to cook up such unlikely results. (Fifty quid to go home with Who Is It hanging in the air? Really?)

Elsewhere, the sound of shouting from a distant street:

RAZORLIGHT are gearing up for a head-to-head battle with their ex-drummer ANDY BURROWS.

Really? They're releasing records on the same day, are they?

Not quite:

Andy, whose songwriting abilities helped Razorlight gain their only No1 single with America, will now spend the next few months putting together a backing band to help his new project — and could be ready to record by the end of the summer.

That would put him on a collision course with Johnny and Co, who will have finished their festival commitments by then and will be recording their fourth album.

So, that's "head-to-head" in the sense of "vague chance they might both release fetid albums in the same accounting quarter". Right up there with other great battles, like when Godzilla and King Kong booked hotel rooms in the same city within six months of each other. Actually, I say Godzilla and King Kong. This battle is more like Bambi fighting a Care Bear.

Smart tells his readers that the record label has annoyed Borrell by making it so:

Egotistical frontman JOHNNY BORRELL is furious that his Universal label have signed up the man who jumped ship just when Razorlight were preparing to break America.

But wouldn't Borrell more-than-likely have already been signed to Universal as part of the contract Razorlight signed?

Darkness at 3AM: The Razorlight truce is over

The 3AM Girls surprise the world with something that almost smacks of reporting. Although, to be honest, getting Andy Burrows to withdraw his soft statement on leaving Razorlight probably took little more work than tapping him on the shoulder and pressing play and record:

Speaking for the first time about the rift, Andy tells us: "It was hell. I'm so glad I'm out of it.

"I hated being in the band. Johnny and I didn't get on. Now I've got my freedom.

"He never wanted people to know that we both wrote songs and I couldn't be in control. I'm happy again. Don't get me wrong - I had some fond memories. We achieved some great things together and had amazing experiences. But now at least I'm happy.

"I'm drumming for We Are Scientists, working on my own material and doing stuff for other bands."

It's almost as if Borrell is some sort of control-freak or something, isn't it? Just imagine...

Gordon in the morning: Handing out hugs and blankets to the shocked masses

Gordon, of course, has coverage of the Razorlight split. And there's only one way to sum up the split of a British band shortly before a gig in Cheshire:

Trouble in America...

In order to stack up the headline, the made-up, sorry, unnamed source places the argument that "brought things to a head" between Borrell and Burrows as happening "during a recent trip to America". Although if that was true, you might wonder why Burrows didn't quit there and then.

Elsewhere, Kylie Minogue is getting a stupid sum of money for recording a single track for a Bollywood film - three quarters of a million quid, apparently. Now, I've been keeping up with the news - we're meant to gather and boo when people get paid money completely out of proportion to their work they do and the value they generate, right? C'mon Gordon - let's boo Kylie, shall we?

And as she chats to star AKSHAY KUMAR between filming she looks worth every penny.

Oh. Are you suggesting that Fred Goodwin could have avoided all that bad press if he'd just been a bit prettier?

It's perhaps fortunate that Gordon Smart isn't up a mountain with Cheryl Cole - can you imagine how thin the atmosphere at the top of Kilimanjaro would be if Smart was having to follow up the story about Ashley Cole's latest bit of bother? Especially given that it turns out his arrest-attracting rage was sparked by someone taking photos for The Sun in the first place?

For the paper, Andy Crick and Philip Case are covering the "story", and they do have quite a scoop:

Cole, who earns £82,000 a week, plonked himself on a bar stool. Then as Chelsea skipper Terry and Mancienne mingled, he knocked back a bottle of Japanese Asahi lager.

He clutched a wad of £20 notes as he ordered a round of drinks — and began chatting to a blonde clubber wearing a shiny blue mini-dress and a string of white pearls.

Sadly, the paper's two writers fail to mention if Cole had been wearing the mini-dress when he was drinking the lager, or if he'd nipped off to change.

Still, nobody would be as cheap as to try and get mileage out of his wife being off doing good works, would they?

Fundraiser v hellraiser

It truly is a dichotomy. It's almost impossible to imagine Cheryl Cole ever being in a violent outburst at a nightclub.

Horror! One of Johnny Borrell's backing band quits

Andy Burrows, drummer with And The Borrells out of Johnny Razorlight And The Borrells, has quit the band. It's a sensation:

"The past five years in Razorlight have been an amazing experience," explained Burrows. "I am very proud of everything that myself, Johnny, Carl and Bjorn have achieved together, but for personal reasons I have decided to leave the band. I will be pursuing other musical ventures."

No word on what these other musical ventures might be - perhaps "whistling while refilling the milk counter at Tesco."

Interestingly, despite the warm-sounding statements, the announcement of Burrows' departure came two days after he was replaced - David "Skully" Sullivan-Kaplan turned up drumming during the band's Warrington gig.

Meanwhile, the glorious leader hopes the image of their fallen comrade will encourage the rest of the Razorlights on to new highs, issuing this from his bunker:

"Over the last two albums and five years Andy has been an integral part of Razorlight and we will miss him," he said.

"From the day he walked into our rehearsal studio it was obvious that he was an amazing drummer and he’s contributed on many levels beyond that. He's been a great player and a great friend and I think we'll both always be proud of the music we've made together. As far as the band's future is concerned, we're all looking forward to touring with Skully and getting on with making our next record."

I'm sure the rest of you are enjoying the cute, fifteen year-old-boy nickname for the new drummer as much as I am.

Experts attempting to calibrate the likely shockwaves from 'drummer sat behind man without a shirt quits' suggests the impact on your life will be somewhere between 'having to take a terrapin to a locum vet' and 'that slightly curious feeling you get when you realise your usual postman must be on holiday'.

Razorlight don't put too much effort into new record

That, I admit, is hardly a headline which is going to surprise or shock you. Apparently, Johnny Borrell and Razorlight have recorded a new record - Slipway Fires - and it was a breeze, says Borrell:

"We wanted to record it quickly, not over-produce it or overthink it too much. We felt like we had the strongest songs we've had so far, and when you've got that material there's not a lot else to do but just go in and record it."

I know, I know, it's hard to think believe that they put any thought into the previous ones - how hard would your brow have had to be furrowed before you came up with that song about how America is always on the telly but it isn't really like that in real life?

For Borrell, there were no problems at all:

"People say it every album - difficult first album, difficult second, ah, tricky third, ah, fourth but for me, writing-wise, it was like exploring the shadows cast by the success of the first and second one," he said.

Writing-wise, it was like exploring the shadows cast by the success of the first and second. You can actually taste the quality of Borrell's skills as a writer just from that first "writing-wise", can't you?

Razorlighter struggles with concept of 'solo'

Good lord, so much control does Johnny Borrell exert over his minions that even when one breaks out of His Magnificence's shadow to do a solo show, Borrell puts in an appearance. It must be like trying to shake off the unpopular kid in school when we - sorry, they - attached themselves to you.

Darkness at 3AM: Cubicle rats

The 3AM Girls also have the story about Noel, Borrell and Allen in the toilets, but they're even more nervous about the heavy-handed drug hints. At least Gordon put his nudge-nudge wink-wink in his own mouth; the 3AMies make the "drugs" allusion come from the mouth of "one partygoer":

"Who knows what they were all up to in there... but it certainly got up someone's nose!"

If you have toes, prepare to curl them now. Underneath perhaps one of the least interesting headlines ever committed to print:

Agyness Deyn wears prom dress to her birthday party

the 3AM Girls report that iD threw a party for her "with a northern theme."

As if the thought of braying metropolitan fashionistas dressing up as "northerners" wasn't bad enough, the Daily Mirror finds a way to add insult to injury:

[S]he wore a pretty prom dress. What, no flat cap!

It's not recorded if the ate coal during the party.

Gordon in the morning: Rowling in the aisles

We know Gordon's sometimes struggling to fill his pages, but today he's got a story so thin it could fall down a cattlegrid. It's a picture of JK Rowling and her publicist which, at the angle and moment it's taken, makes it look the publicist might have his hand on her breast. Until you look for more than two seconds and can see from the shadow that the hand is nowhere near the bosom of the wizard-writer.

Of course, you don't have to accept our word for it. Even Gordon's attempt to talk up the paper acknowledges that he's running an optical illusion under the cover of a story:

But red-faced JK, 42 — who picked up the Outstanding Achievement gong on Wednesday night — had publicist Mark Hutchinson on hand to cover her up.

Shame it looked so like a grope.

Shame it didn't, actually. Well, in the sense that if you're going to run a picture of someone supposedly looking like they're groping someone, it would be better if they did look like they were.

Gordon's big story is the aftermath of Noel Fielding's Teenage Cancer Charity trust gig, which saw Lily Allen, Noel and Johnny Borrell being evicted from toilets, supposedly. Gordon taps his nose:

I can’t think what that trio were doing together in a loo.

Lily claims she was dodging the queue in the ladies. I’ll take her word for it.

Smart also returns to the subject of Calum Best's black eye, as some of his readers have done his job for him and filled in the backstory:

I HAVE solved the CALUM BEST black eye riddle — and it’s as obvious as a punch in the face.

No, you haven't "solved" anything, Gordon. You asked if anyone knew what had happened, and apparently a large number of people told you. That's not "solving", that's "being told". Sherlock Holmes didn't solve crimes by asking Watson if he knew what had happened, waiting until Watson told him and then saying "ah, yes. I've solved that one, then."

What's more interesting is that Gordon seems to have forgotten about the whole "not condoning violence" bit as he seems quite thrilled telling the tale of a bloke punching Best when he found him talking to his wife.

Gordon in the morning: Cole says no

So, it's back again this morning to the steaming remains of the Cole-Tweedy marriage, with Richard White claiming an exclusive:

Cheating Ashley gets a sex ban

Not that unexpected, surely? It's not like Cheryl's going to allow him to go out carousing... oh, you mean with her:

A pal of the couple said: “Cheryl has told Ashley there will be no sex in their house for at least six months and although he’s going to find it incredibly hard he agreed to her terms.

“She wants Ashley to appreciate her and realise what he has got. But he’s a red blooded fella and it’s not going to be easy.”

Hmm. Either this story is true - in which case Cheryl might have made a bit of a strategic error (are you really going to stop someone raiding the cookie jar by telling them they can't have chips for six months?) - or else it's being run in Gordon Smart's column.

Emma Watson is dating a man who apparently describes himself as "a nobody" (in other words, he has a job which actually has a definable function) which prompts Gordon to flick back through Watson's past:

Emma – who has previously been linked to RAZORLIGHT singer JOHNNY BORRELL and co-star DANIEL RADCLIFFE...

That's "linked" in the sense of "peopled decided she was having a relationship with", though, isn't it? And the Borrell "linkage" existed nowhere outside of your own column, Gordon. Surely, you of all people must know not to believe anything that appears on your page?

Still, he does manage to land one on-target this morning - after running bits from Madonna's interview for Dazed and Confused and her fretting about onstage anxiety. Gordon suddenly perks up:

Nothing an ice cold glass of Kabbalah water can’t sort out though, eh?

Careful, Gordon: you're almost sounding cynical.

Gordon in the morning: Johnny Borrell and the attention of ladies

Lucy Hagan supplies Gordon's column with its, um, big exclusive today: Johnny Borrell has been at a party with Emma Watson, which is enough to work up a claim of romance. (It's alright, apparently she's 17 now. Okay, alright-ish. At least it's not like he's her teacher or anything.)

Trouble is, there's very little to build any claims of romance on - even the made-up pisspoor source isn't going to commit themselves:

A source said: “She seemed really happy. She’s a Razorlight fan and was star-struck.”

Poor Lucy is left struggling to fill the space:

Emma, 17 — whose character Hermione Granger romances fellow film wizard Ron Weasley — spent a night partying with the Razorlight frontman, 27.

Why is she talking about the Potter movie plots? Is she suggesting that, perhaps, the walls between the world of reality and fiction will break down (always a possibility on the Bizarre pages) and a jealous Weasley will offer Borrell out for some sort of wizardly smackdown?

But there's more space to fill. Google, woman, Google:

They later left together in a taxi. Borrell has a history of drink and drug abuse, and once said he was a “smackhead at 16”.

Goodness - let's hope the collapse of reality and fiction doesn't rip a hole in the space-time continuum which sees a drug-addled teenage Borrell get Hermione Granger hooked on smack.

Gordon, meanwhile, has got some pictures: Gemma Atkinson is flogging underwear (sorry, "undercrackers", of course - only Gordon would try and talk up a sexy photo shoot using boyscout language throughout) - which pitches its expectation of Bizarre reader's knowledge at a surprisingly low level:

Blue is one colour

We know this is meant to be a play on a football chant, but it does just wind up sounding patronising.
Mr. Smart also has some pictures of Girls Aloud, where he reads the trouble behind their eyes:

[F]rom the look of Cheryl in the line-up her mind certainly seems to be elsewhere.

Do you think, Gordon?

This "feature" also has an interesting photocaption:

Boobs allowed ... Nadine

Boobs allowed? Really? Someone wrote that - 'what can I do as a witty caption for a picture of Nadine Coyle? Hmm... No, can't think of anything, I'll just scrawl 'tits' on it'.