Gordon in the morning: Kelly Jones dreams of a fold-up chair with Jones written on it

Excitement this morning, as the Bizarre homepage teases us with news:

'PHONICS star wants to direct films after success writing movie script

I hadn't heard about a Kelly Jones script being made into a successful movie. That really is big news.

Lets see what's happened:

First up on the movie front is a screenplay he’s written in conjunction with Stereophonics’ new album Graffiti On The Train.

Aside from plugging the band’s latest effort, Kelly is busy attending meetings with the likes of BAFTA and Film Agency Wales to get his script off the ground.

He’s hoping the film will go into production within the next year.

Ah. So when Gordon is lauding "success writing music script", the success has come in the form of successfully typing one out.

(I suspect it should be the BFI rather than BAFTA, too; although why public money should support a film that sounds like a promo for a Stereophonics album is something of a mystery.)

Cover sludge: recreating The Beatles

Here's a headline to chill the blood:

Mick Hucknall and Stereophonics to re-record first Beatles album

Obviously it's not just those two; War and Famine will be also be taking part in the project to complete the team.

It's apparently a project designed by Radio 2 to celebrate "the golden age of the album" - so Kelly Jones must be on board to remind us how far we've fallen since then.

The idea is that Please Please Me will be recreated in twelve hours, thereby proving... something. That musicians can still work at the pace The Beatles did, presumably. But it's actually going to take about three hours longer than the original did.

Unconfirmed at present are rumours that 6Music is going to try and recreate The Spaghetti Incident sessions over a similar period taken by Axl.

Gordon in the morning: The Stereophonics are still going

It's like discovering money down the back of the sofa. Well, not money - more like a discarded condom. The Stereophonics are still a going concern to such an extent that they've hired a new drummer:

STEREOPHONICS frontman KELLY JONES says anyone can join the band – so long as they make a mean beans on toast.

The group recently had a shake-up with JAMIE MORRISON, ex drummer with NOISETTES, replacing JAVIER WEYLER.

To be fair to Kelly Jones, he didn't say that anyone can join the band if they can make beans on toast; merely that Jamie once made beans on toast with them.

That's not to say that introducing some sort of skills test for being in the Stereophonics is a bad idea - and, to be honest, being able to make beans is probably a better target than knowing how to play Pick A Part That's New. In fact, we'd encourage the band to concentrate more on low-level catering for the next few years.

The Four Nations

The grim attempts to force us to have fun connected to the Olympics grind on. (I've checked, by the way, it really is the Olympics we're hosting and, sadly, not the Laffalympics - the hope that we might get to see Yogi Bear and Muttley racing each other to climb to the top of Big Ben was the one piece of hope to which I was clinging.)

So, as part of the kick-off, there's going to be big concert with a band representing each of the home nations. The line-up has just been announced:

The gig will feature acts from all four nations of the UK, with Duran Duran representing England and Snow Patrol appearing for Northern Ireland.

Stereophonics will represent Wales and Paolo Nutini will play for Scotland.

Holy plodding ponies; if Damian Green's two-hour waits at Heathrow don't put people off coming to the UK, this is going to.

Three of the grimmest acts ever to find their way into the back of a Transit Van and Duran, who are great but hardly a shining example of 21st Century English music.

Let's hope the sportspeople aren't being picked on the same basis, otherwise Team GB is going to consistent solely of badminton players and Daley Thompson.

Gordon in the morning: What's wrong with Glastonbury in a single tweet

Graeme, younger brother of Wayne Rooney, is heading to Worthy Farm:

Graeme tweeted yesterday: "Cnt wait 4 glasto with @WayneRooney, boozeville yerrrrrrrrrrrrrr." But within minutes of the tweet going online it was mysteriously removed.

I'm sure everyone who wanted to go and watch the bands or comedy or other acts and failed to get tickets will be delighted knowing that there's plenty of room for rich people to get drunk, something they clearly couldn't do anywhere else in the world.

Still, Gordon doesn't see a problem:

Wayne, who is in Barbados with wife COLEEN, is a big music fan. He splashed out thousands having his favourite band STEREOPHONICS play at his 2008 wedding in Italy.

Those two sentences point in very different directions.

Gordon in the morning: Kelly on the telly

So it sounds like Being In The Stereophonics isn't lucrative enough any more:

KELLY JONES is working on a second career away from the STEREOPHONICS.

I'm not sure Being In The Stereophonics quiyte constitutes a career, to be honest, but do tell us more. With Jones' talent and charm, I'm guessing the Asda fish bar has come calling, right?

The singer has lined up meetings with TV execs to discuss ideas for shows that he would then produce.

I think from this we're meant to assume that Jones' second career is as a television producer, but it actually sounds like he might just have taken on a part-time role annoying television executives.

In case you're wondering, Jones seems to have no track record of producing television programmes at all but - hey - how hard can it be, eh?

So, what Monkey Tennis style ideas does Jones have?

One programme he's pitching involves a music show with performances filmed around the UK, including the frontman's native Wales.

Is this an idea he's had, or just something he's seen on TV? Is he also going to pitch a programme about people in Manchester having a tram dropped on their heads?

Even Gordon spots this is a bit hackneyed, but does his best to try and pluff up the idea:

Although there have been a few similar shows in the past, Kelly could count on his musician mates to put in an appearance.

Yeah. Kelly Jones' musical mates. That doesn't actually make the idea any more attractive. It's a bit like trying to spiff up a bowl of cold sick by sprinkling prunes in it.

Drummerobit: Stuart Cable

Stuart Cable always had the air of a nice bloke who made the best of his opportunities. Having been a founder member of The Stereophonics, the subsequent dumping by his erstwhile friends might have bred bitterness in many - I think I'd have been bitter, for a start - but Cable just sought out new opportunities.

He picked up bits and pieces of presenting work - the punningly titled Cable TV for BBC Wales came before he was kicked out the band, and was one of the sores which led to his departure. His radio programmes for Radio Wales proved more durable, but he left to join the short-lived Cardiff variant of XFM when that launched. Stuart had recently returned to the BBC.

He had drummed on, as well: Stone Gods as a fill-in, and Killing For Company, who'd picked up a date opening for The Who.

There was also an autobiography, Demons and Cocktails - My Life with the Stereophonics, where he admitted having been hitting it heavily during his Stereophonics days.

Kelly Jones, true to form, managed to include a slightly sour reference to Cable's problems in what otherwise might have been a warm remembrance of his old mate when talking to the BBC:

“Me and Stuart have been speaking for the last five years. I mean we played together at our sound engineer’s wedding.

“The split was done and we all held our hands up about who was responsible. Stuart would probably be the first to admit what happened in the split."

It's true that Jones wasn't being unfair, but when someone's just died perhaps it might be better to use the moment to reflect on your own failings, rather than those of the deceased?

Stuart Cable was 40; no cause of death has yet been confirmed.

Breaking News: Stuart Cable found dead

BBC and Spinner are reporting that Stuart Cable, former Stereophonics drummer turned (briefly) TV presenter, has been found dead at his home.

Gordon in the morning: Handy DIY tip for Bank Holiday Monday

I tend to be a bit critical of Gordon Smart, but I'm delighted to report that this morning's Bizarre column is actually cut-out-and-keep useful. He reveals how to deal with a nasty infestation of Stereophonics:

STEREOPHONICS stormed off stage when frontman KELLY JONES was struck in the face by a FLIP-FLOP flung from the audience.

The singer muttered "Thank you" before exiting with his Welsh bandmates during the gig in Singapore.

If you don't have a flip-flop to hand, a sandal would do the job as well.

Seriously, you shouldn't throw things at the faces of people up on stage, no matter how much their faces might have been designed as a target to receive stray flip-flops. Not even The Stereophonics deserve to be hit with a barrage of objects. Having said that, nobody deserves to be hit by the sound of The Stereophonics playing live, but they don't seem able to help themselves.

Tomorrow night's art/pop charity crossover: Quick reminder

Don't forget tomorrow night sees the launch for the Art Of Music 09, the exhibition being run as part of pancreatic cancer awareness week.

They're still taking sign-ups for a chance to get into the launch, and a chance to bid on art by Placebo, Blood Red Shoes and... well, The Stereophonics.

Charity and art in Camden

Next week is pancreatic cancer awareness week. While some cancers get thousand upon thousands of people out jogging against it, and pink-coloured kitchen items, pancreatic cancer struggles to get its voice heard. If cancer had a voice. You know what I mean.

To help with the awareness-raising, there's a rock-meets-art affair at the Proud Gallery in Camden between the 19th and 30th November. The artwork is all by pop stars - Placebo, Maximo Park - and people like The Stereophonics; on the 18th and the 30th, there's a pair of special events which will include auctioning of said artworks.

Gordon in the morning: Wayne Rooney apologises to the mosh pit

It's amusing watching the little dribble of stories trying to somehow build interest in the new Stereophonics album by suggesting that Wayne Rooney is a big fan. There was one on Newsbeat the other day, and today Gordon has one:

Wayne, 23, is a huge fan of the Welsh rockers, who were playing at the Electric Ballroom in Camden, North London.

But a witness said: "Graham [Rooney's brother] and the friend were bouncing around, knocking into people and spilling their pints.

"At one point a minor scuffle broke out. Wayne was taking people aside to excuse their antics."

Only at a Stereophonics gig would someone dancing look so out of place, you'd not only have to apologise but it would become a news story.

Elsewhere, Gordon has the inside scoop on the Sugababes split. Or something like it:

Mock-roach ... our mock-up of Heidi Range as a cockroach

Yes. There's a photomontage where Heidi's face has been dumped on a picture of a cockroach because... um...

Sugababes - who The Sun yesterday dubbed the Cockroaches Of Pop for surviving three line-up changes - recently signed a multi-million Pound deal with JAY-Z's label Roc Nation.

Oh, yes. Because of that. That would be worth drawing more attention to.

Didn't The Beatles survive three line-up changes?

At last, The Stereophonics quality control process is revealed

They don't just hammer some tunes together, have a photo taken and fling the thing out, you know. Oh, no. The Stereophonics test their products:

Stereophonics' Kelly Jones has revealed that he's given Wayne Rooney a copy of the band's forthcoming 7th album.

"I popped by and gave him an album promo and within about 15 minutes of me driving away he was texting me his favourite songs - he was into it," said the lead singer.

A passing vivisectionist writes: I might spend my days squirting shampoo into rabbits eyes - for fun, I should add, as my job involves making Beagles test stairlifts - but even I find the idea of forcing a poor creature like Wayne Rooney to listen to a Stereophonics record turns my stomach. I would do something to campaign against it, but I've got an important dropping a house brick test to do, and the octopuses have just arrived.

Things get worse for Borrell: Kelly Jones offers advice

Oh, how badly your empire has slipped when the Stereophonics make sympathetic noises about your plight. It's like getting economic advice from Zimbabwe.

Kelly Jones has looked at Razorlight, kicked the wheels and sucked his teeth:

He told MTV: “If there's any band members left by that point... he reminds me of where we were with our third album… in fucking trouble!"

Actually, Kelly, Stereophonics were in trouble from about thirty minutes after everyone realised that Local Boy In The Photograph was as good as it was going to get.

But you're still here, clinging desperately on, like you're Patrick Kielty of pop. So, what's your suggestion for Borrell? How can he... well, if not turn it around, at least still manage the odd slot when the sun is still out at festivals?

"Just change your haircut, they’ll forget all about you then. It’s a new you – Madonna's done it all her life."

The difference is, though - at least for a good chunk of her earlier career - Madonna would emerge from the salon not only with a new cut, but also carrying demo tapes of something interesting, and arresting, and popular.

I must admit, though, I never noticed Kelly Jones getting a new haircut.

Stereophonics pursued by police

About time too: the police are cracking down on the Stereophonics.

Canadian police were worried by the band parking illegally and drove after them, sirens blazing.

They pulled the band over, and started to search them under powers originally passed by the Canadian parliament to control Kula Shaker. Kelly Jones recalls the horror:

“What a day! We got chased by the cops for two miles – for illegal parking.

“We got stopped and searched, the bus was searched and we had to unload the trailer.

“It was aggressive border control. One of the guards started talking about a guy who used to smuggle drugs through bands’ equipment.”
[...]
“I said, ‘Are you talking about Howard Marks? He’s my friend.’ You can imagine the rest.”

The suspicion that Jones isn't exactly the sharpest cheddar on the cheeseboard isn't lessened here, is it? Who would think the correct response to a drugs officer poking about in your stuff is to list the celebrated drugs mules you have known?

Jones was probably lucky the cop didn't fancy pulling on the latex gloves. But whose compulsion to namedrop outweighs the desire not to put yourself at risk of a body cavity search?

[Thanks to Michael M]

... and ended up sleeping in the lobby

According to ContactMusic:

STEREOPHONICS frontman KELLY JONES threw his hotel key into the audience at a gig in Belfast, Northern Ireland on Tuesday (27Nov07), announcing the lucky finder was welcome to join him for a party.

It doesn't record what happened next, but we suspect an excited scramble took place amongst people keen to hoof over to the hotel and pinch Jones' suitcase and laptop before the end of the encore.

More top talent for commercial radio

The Welsh branch of XFM has announced which local presenters will be called upon to provide a semblance of not being beamed from a London HQ when it goes live at the end of next month: two of Goldie Lookin' Chain and Stuart Cable. Who, you know, are nice enough people but further confirm that XFM has long since abandoned any semblance of being in any way associated with new-edge music and are, instead, content to cater to the Young Dads market.

Standing in the footsteps of lemurs

Kelly Jones has been tipping his hat to the man who made him what he is today:

"Coming up off the back of the Britpop thing and getting to know people like Noel (Gallagher) and stuff, you realised that it is all about songwriting and it’s about working your bollocks off but having a good time, and making it look like it’s easy but behind the scenes you’ve gotta fucking put the graft in.

"There are too many bands that want it and if you don’t want it as much as they want it then they’ll have it, so it’s up to you really."

Building your belief in songwriting craft on Noel Gallagher's example is like trying to become a cordon bleu chef by aping Colonel Sanders.

Actually, we awoke this morning to the sound of that new Oasis single, Lord Don't Slow Me Down and felt... well, nothing, really. It's a song completely shorn of any passion, any arrogance, any wit: like coming across a school bully years later and seeing he's now a shallow, empty hulk of a man, there's no feeling of victory, just a sad sense of loss. The last thing Noel Gallagher would probably want is to instill feelings of pity rather than distaste. Perhaps he really should think about throwing it in now.

They're the seventh most important awards of the year

Here are the winners of today's Q Awards, held on a Monday lunchtime over a bare dinner table, like a head of departments meeting in a failing comprehensive, and with about as much impact:

Best act in the world today
Arctic Monkeys

Best album
Amy Winehouse, Back to Black

Best track
Manic Street Preachers, Your Love Alone is Not Enough

Best video
Kaiser Chiefs, Ruby

Best new act
The Enemy

Best breakthrough artist
Kate Nash

Best live act
Muse

Classic song award
Stereophonics, Local Boy in the Photograph

Classic album award
The Verve, Urban Hymns

Classic songwriter award
Billy Bragg

Innovation in sound award
Sigur Ros

Lifetime achievement award
Johnny Marr

Q merit award
Ryan Adams

Q hero
Anthony H Wilson

Q legend
Ian Brown

Q inspiration
Damon Albarn

Q idol
Kylie Minogue

Q icon
Sir Paul McCartney

Most of these prizes seem to be decided by who'd turn up, and so veer between the "really?" and the ho-hum; the appearance of the Stereophonics as a "classic song award" is, however, interesting - Local Boy In The Photograph is certainly the best thing they ever did, but surely Kelly Jones won't be delighted by the public acknowledgment that, effectively, it was downhill all the way from the moment the band first broke through?

Kelly Jones flung out of Live Awards

Just how dull were the Vodafone Live Music Awards? So dull, apparently, the doorstaff had to amuse themselves by throwing Kelly Jones out.

Kelly had been stopped trying to go into the women's toilets; he didn't take kindly to being asked to leave and he wound up out on the streets, with a bloody gash on his arm. He then managed to get into a scrap with a passer-by, as well.

This has prompted the following observation on the Daily Mail comment board:

Well we all know that most pop stars are just 'closet' yobs, this proves it.

We love this for just being so Daily Maily as to almost be parodic. "We all know" followed by a half-arsed non-sequiter masquerading as a fact, ending on a claim that a single instance is, by its very nature, proof of a rule.

For younger readers, by the way, Kelly Jones was in a band called The Stereophonics a few years back.