Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Gordon in the morning: Johnny Borrell and the attention of ladies

Lucy Hagan supplies Gordon's column with its, um, big exclusive today: Johnny Borrell has been at a party with Emma Watson, which is enough to work up a claim of romance. (It's alright, apparently she's 17 now. Okay, alright-ish. At least it's not like he's her teacher or anything.)

Trouble is, there's very little to build any claims of romance on - even the made-up pisspoor source isn't going to commit themselves:

A source said: “She seemed really happy. She’s a Razorlight fan and was star-struck.”

Poor Lucy is left struggling to fill the space:
Emma, 17 — whose character Hermione Granger romances fellow film wizard Ron Weasley — spent a night partying with the Razorlight frontman, 27.

Why is she talking about the Potter movie plots? Is she suggesting that, perhaps, the walls between the world of reality and fiction will break down (always a possibility on the Bizarre pages) and a jealous Weasley will offer Borrell out for some sort of wizardly smackdown?

But there's more space to fill. Google, woman, Google:
They later left together in a taxi. Borrell has a history of drink and drug abuse, and once said he was a “smackhead at 16”.

Goodness - let's hope the collapse of reality and fiction doesn't rip a hole in the space-time continuum which sees a drug-addled teenage Borrell get Hermione Granger hooked on smack.

Gordon, meanwhile, has got some pictures: Gemma Atkinson is flogging underwear (sorry, "undercrackers", of course - only Gordon would try and talk up a sexy photo shoot using boyscout language throughout) - which pitches its expectation of Bizarre reader's knowledge at a surprisingly low level:
Blue is one colour

We know this is meant to be a play on a football chant, but it does just wind up sounding patronising.
Mr. Smart also has some pictures of Girls Aloud, where he reads the trouble behind their eyes:
[F]rom the look of Cheryl in the line-up her mind certainly seems to be elsewhere.

Do you think, Gordon?

This "feature" also has an interesting photocaption:
Boobs allowed ... Nadine

Boobs allowed? Really? Someone wrote that - 'what can I do as a witty caption for a picture of Nadine Coyle? Hmm... No, can't think of anything, I'll just scrawl 'tits' on it'.