Fielding a captain

To be fair to Gordon Smart, you'd have to admit you did read it in Bizarre first that Noel Fielding was to be a team captain on Buzzcocks.

And it turns out to be happening.

Gordon could bask in the glory. If only, erm, he'd not announced that Noel had been axed as a team captain before the announcement was made.

Gordon in the morning: Two Gallaghers and another Noel

For some reason, both in the paper and web version of Bizarre, the lead... well, let's say "story", shall we? The lead story is an offer from Carlos Tevez to teach Noel Gallagher latin dance.

Tevez and his brother Diego are Buenos Aires' answer to The Gallaghers, notching up a bit of chart success in their homeland with hit single Lose Your Control a few years back.

God, I don't like Oasis much, but that's a low jibe. Surely a pair of footballers having one hit makes them more akin to Hoddle & Waddle than Oasis?

If that's not Oasis being stretched thin enough, there's a secondary report about Noel Gallagher. And the U2 aftershow.

The picture says it all:

Surprising that Gordon has all those Photoshop Boffins he's always talking about, and yet doesn't seem to know anyone who can do redeye removal. Unless his eyes really are that colour.

Elsewhere, Noel Fielding has supposedly been axed as team captain on Never Mind The Buzzcocks following some sort of 'young man takes drugs' story at the weekend:

But when details of his drug taking emerged over the weekend, Beeb top brass withdrew the offer.

The Mighty Boosh funny man confessed on Sunday that over the past couple of years he had become a heavy cocaine user as his fame grew, but stressed he'd put his wild days behind him.

It seems a little unlikely that the BBC would have moved with that sort of speed. On a Sunday. And in such a definitive direction.

Oddly, the only reports that Fielding was to be a captain on the new series came, erm, from The Sun in the first place.

Gordon in the morning: When friends fall out

But, as with the pressure on Ruth’s bra, something had to give.

Yes, Gordon is incapable of even reporting some sort of falling out between Alexandra Burke and Ruth Lorenzo over something or other without making reference to busts.

A source said: “Alex and Ruth are big characters and the fireworks were spectacular when they finally went off."

Perhaps he should stick to reporting-through-decolletage.

Gordon not only reports the upset, but also swings by with some psychoanalysis about the falling-out:

It’s pretty clear to me what’s going on here.

Ruth is struggling to handle Alex’s success. Alex is beginning to enjoy the trappings of her fame and Ruth is slipping towards z-list obscurity, which will boil inside her like a dodgy curry.

Alex is probably beginning to wonder why she was ever pals with the singing Spaniard.

Both of them, you might notice, are hoofing round the provinces playing to half-interested roomfuls of ITV viewers; it's not like either of them are being courted to do a Diet Coke ad, is it?

It's been a while since we've heard from Kasabian, but it was inevitable their return would be marked first by excitement in Gordon's column. Inevitable:

MIGHTY BOOSH star NOEL FIELDING is poised to take his party pals KASABIAN on a journey through time and space for their next single — after agreeing to ‘Boosh up’ the band for their new video.

Is it just me, or does that sound like a total mismatch? Like serving cheeseburgers from a Victorian soup tureen?

Aided and abetted by his art college mate DAVE BROWN — BOLLO the DJing ape in the cult BBC show — Fielding is already creating a surreal world for SERGE PIZZORNO, TOM MEIGHAN et al.

Gordon does know the names of the others. No, really, he does. They hang out together and everything.

He is even tinkering with groundbreaking 3-D effects — which sounds perfect for the Leicester lads’ tunes.

Does it? Really? Because it'll add an extra two dimensions that the music doesn't offer, do you mean?

Projects that almost certainly will never see the light of day, number 479

Are Alice Cooper and the Mighty Boosh writing a musical together?

The NME says yes, they might be:

"I absolutely love Alice Cooper," Fielding is quoted as saying. "I wonder is he has ever considered writing an acid rock gothic musical. If we did one, would he co-star?"

And then Cooper delivers a "yes, that would be fun, wouldn't it?" style non-committal quote, which seems to be enough to convince everyone it's going to happen. Although who will be underwriting the costs isn't, exactly, clear.

Mind you, we'd love to see John Barrowman and Andrew Lloyd Webber judging the castings on Saturday night TV.

Gordon in the morning: And pigs might fly

The trouble with Gordon Smart's Bizarre is that it's hard to believe anything that appears in it. Take today's big spalsh, which appears to claim that Dave Gilmour offered a Pink Floyd Glasto appearance to Michael Eavis, and that Eavis turned him down. Smart rails against this:

Wish you were there, Floyd
[...]
It truly beggars belief.
[...]
This year’s lineup has led to the fest not selling out, something unthinkable over the event’s recent history.

He’s dangerously out of touch with a public – youngsters and all – who would have delighted in some Floyd action.

But when you read the article again, it's apparent that Gilmour didn't offer Floyd - just his own, slightly less-thrilling, solo set. Which is less of a draw than Pink Floyd proper.

And while Gordon is happy to pad out the article by his raging and out-of-touch belief that "young people" would turn up for a Gilmour gig, he doesn't mention when the offer was made. Presumably fairly recently, otherwise Smart would have fumed earlier. Possibly too late for the headline act to be changed anyway, even if the offer was genuine.

Not to mention that, time and again, it's been clear that the failure of Glasto to sell out had nothing to do with the three names on the Pyramid stage, and everything to do with the miserable experience offered by an overcrowded site in a muddy field.

More festival running order squabbles as Gordon insists that, in the teaser, that

MIGHTY BOOSH star Noel Fielding forced to ban The Kills from performing at festival

Really? But both the Boosh and Kills sites still lists The Kills as appearing.

It turns out, though, that once again Gordon's story is slightly weaker than it might appear:

THE MIGHTY BOOSH star NOEL FIELDING has been forced to ban THE KILLS from performing at his festival’s finale – to placate his girlfriend.

The comic has developed an intense friendship with The Kills’ ALISON MOSSHART.

But Noel’s partner DEE PLUME was so furious at their inclusion in the July 5 bash at The Hop Farm in Kent that she threatened to pull her band ROBOTS IN DISGUISE from the gig.

Ah, so The Kills haven't been banned from performing, only the singalong at the end. God, fancy that, eh, not being allowed to hang around for everyone else to finish to go on and take part in a clunky, Live Aid style finale.

Although, having "revealed" that the Kills won't be allowed to take part in the finale, Gordon then seems to forget the point of his own story:

All the bands are due to sing together at the end. That will be interesting.

Only, surely, if Mosshart and Plume are on stage together. Which, erm, Gordon has just insisted they won't be.

Darkness at 3AM: The Mighty Tosh

We're still trying to work out exactly what the 3AM Girls' coverage of man-goes-to-nightclub story is meant to mean:

Booshman Noel Fielding makes a Mighty effort to let us know how famous he is. The comic not only donned a zany cape but got rock 'n' roll buddy Courtney Love to accompany him to The Groucho and Soho House.

Are they suggesting that Fielding was using Courtney Love as some sort of costume jewelery? And hasn't Fielding worn a cape since... well, probably not to school, but we wouldn't be surprised.

But then the 3AM Girls are desperate to believe:

We've seen him singing. Who can forget Amarillo?

You might find that when you watched Peter Kay in the Amarillo video, you weren't watching a man singing, just opening and closing his mouth.

But it turns out that this isn't a piece about Peter Kay at all:

On closer inspection, it turns out to be K.D. Lang - playing the State Theatre in Sydney, Australia last night.

We're sure the homophobic undertinge was accidental.

Darkness at 3AM: Cubicle rats

The 3AM Girls also have the story about Noel, Borrell and Allen in the toilets, but they're even more nervous about the heavy-handed drug hints. At least Gordon put his nudge-nudge wink-wink in his own mouth; the 3AMies make the "drugs" allusion come from the mouth of "one partygoer":

"Who knows what they were all up to in there... but it certainly got up someone's nose!"

If you have toes, prepare to curl them now. Underneath perhaps one of the least interesting headlines ever committed to print:

Agyness Deyn wears prom dress to her birthday party

the 3AM Girls report that iD threw a party for her "with a northern theme."

As if the thought of braying metropolitan fashionistas dressing up as "northerners" wasn't bad enough, the Daily Mirror finds a way to add insult to injury:

[S]he wore a pretty prom dress. What, no flat cap!

It's not recorded if the ate coal during the party.

Gordon in the morning: Rowling in the aisles

We know Gordon's sometimes struggling to fill his pages, but today he's got a story so thin it could fall down a cattlegrid. It's a picture of JK Rowling and her publicist which, at the angle and moment it's taken, makes it look the publicist might have his hand on her breast. Until you look for more than two seconds and can see from the shadow that the hand is nowhere near the bosom of the wizard-writer.

Of course, you don't have to accept our word for it. Even Gordon's attempt to talk up the paper acknowledges that he's running an optical illusion under the cover of a story:

But red-faced JK, 42 — who picked up the Outstanding Achievement gong on Wednesday night — had publicist Mark Hutchinson on hand to cover her up.

Shame it looked so like a grope.

Shame it didn't, actually. Well, in the sense that if you're going to run a picture of someone supposedly looking like they're groping someone, it would be better if they did look like they were.

Gordon's big story is the aftermath of Noel Fielding's Teenage Cancer Charity trust gig, which saw Lily Allen, Noel and Johnny Borrell being evicted from toilets, supposedly. Gordon taps his nose:

I can’t think what that trio were doing together in a loo.

Lily claims she was dodging the queue in the ladies. I’ll take her word for it.

Smart also returns to the subject of Calum Best's black eye, as some of his readers have done his job for him and filled in the backstory:

I HAVE solved the CALUM BEST black eye riddle — and it’s as obvious as a punch in the face.

No, you haven't "solved" anything, Gordon. You asked if anyone knew what had happened, and apparently a large number of people told you. That's not "solving", that's "being told". Sherlock Holmes didn't solve crimes by asking Watson if he knew what had happened, waiting until Watson told him and then saying "ah, yes. I've solved that one, then."

What's more interesting is that Gordon seems to have forgotten about the whole "not condoning violence" bit as he seems quite thrilled telling the tale of a bloke punching Best when he found him talking to his wife.

Gordon in the morning: Tell'em about the Honey Monster, Mummy

A few days after everyone else did the 'look, the new Sugar Puffs advert is a bit like something off the Mighty Boosh', Gordon catches up, claiming there's going to be legal action now that the Honey Monster is crimping.

Which would be a great story, if he had anything to back it up more than a folksy, off-the-record, possibly a quote or possibly not:

A source said: “A pal of the Mighty Boosh boys was lying in his pants watching daytime telly and saw the advert.

“He rang the Boosh and congratulated them on their work for Sugar Puffs.

“They were baffled and checked it out on the internet. They hadn’t been asked permission to use the style and are speaking to lawyers about getting the Honey Monster’s crimp removed from the airwaves.”

Indeed, so little does Smart have to back up the central claim of legal action that he's reduced to padding the piece out with stuff cut and paste from fans on the internet (Boosh fans, not Smart fans) rather than anything from Barratt or Fielding. Or someone with any legal knowledge.

You never got this with Jeremy The Bear.

Gordon slaps his own byline on some story about Lily Allen's supposed new romance, although he seems a little unsure about how far it's gone:

Lily moves in with a new man

LILY ALLEN is getting over her split from CHEMICAL BROTHERS DJ ED SIMONS — by dating ANOTHER musician.

Are they dating, or are they living together? Which is it, Gordon?

If only you had a source with some creepy insight into what happens in Robertson Furze's bedroom. Oh, you do:

“She moved in with him a few weeks ago and they have been sharing a bed. It started off innocently but they are doing more than just cuddling now.”

'A few weeks ago' - wasn't she still with Ed Simons a few weeks ago? And "it was innocent but it's not any more" - what does that actually mean? They're doing something evil?

The real oddity is that, with all the images of Ed Chemical that are available, Gordon chooses a long-lens, murky paparazzi shot of him to sit on the story - presumably this is meant to be an implication that it was a photo of Ed, last night, not laughing with Lily Allen.

NME Awards 2008: Oh, the Arctic Monkeys won.

The NME awards have been doled out tonight, mostly going to the Arctic Monkeys, as seems to be the way, once again proving that the alternative to the Brits works by, erm, giving the same prizes to the same people.

And they had the Klaxons playing as well.

The backstage blogging from the site is a little toe-curling:

Big Gig VIP Party: Too cool for school

Imagine a backstage party so cool that the hottest model in London and one of the coolest bands from Scotland gets turned away from.

The party is so full that Agyness Deyn and Franz Ferdinand are still queuing to get in.

Is this the NME or the Daily Star? And if they're queuing to get in, how have they been turned away?

Those prize winners in full, then:

Best band: Arctic Monkeys
Best track: Fluorescent Adolescent
Best video: Teddy Picker

Best album: Klaxons - Myths of the Near Future
Best solo artist: Kate Nash
Best new band: The Enemy
Best live band: Muse (Muse could probably win this even if they didn't play any gigs for the year)
Godlike Genius: Morrissey scribbled out and replaced by Manics
Hero: Pete Doherty (it's not actually clear for what, although having the chutzpah to flog that bloody journal to publishers might count)
Villain: George W Bush (Like the US electorate, the NME voters turn on him when it's too late to make a difference)
Worst band: The Hoosiers
Worst album: Blackout - Britney Spears
Best international band: The Killers (really? Really?)
Best music DVD: Nirvana - Unplugged In New York
Best live event: Reading / Leeds Festivals (Is it really fair that two separate events have their votes added together? Since it's unlikely anyone attended both - apart from those involved - shouldn't you vote for one or the other?
Best TV show: The Mighty Boosh
Best film: Control
Best website: Facebook (But that's a cop-out, isn't it? It's not like Facebook has any content, it's like being asked to vote for your favourite radio show and choosing Radio 4.)
Best dressed: Noel Fielding (Fair enough. He puts in the hours on it.)
Worst dressed: Amy Winehouse
There are too many awards, aren't there? Way, way too many
Sexiest man: Noel Fielding (Oh, hang on now... he's alright, but not when he turns in profile. You still might, but surely the sexiest man has to work right round the sextant?)
Sexiest woman: Kylie Minogue
Radar award: Glasvegas (this is the NME staff's brightest hope prize)
Best dancefloor filler: The Wombats - Let's all dance to Joy Division
Too, too many categories. It's like prize giving day at the world's most egalitarian schools.
Best album design: The Good The Bad And The Queen (Because Damon Albarn has to win something, just in case)
Best band blog: Radiohead
Best music blog: The Modern Age

NME Awards 2008. You might have to look at the 'new band' category to tell the difference from 2007

Yes, brought to you by the NME and some sort of hairgel, the nominations are revealed. If Mitch was upset by Amy being listed as a potential villain, thank the lord the Mirror didn't tell him she was up for worst dressed, too.

Foo Fighters. Kings of Leon. Babyshambles. Arctic Monkeys. Muse. JO WHILEY. It all feels a bit dull. Here's the list in full:

Best British Band
Arctic Monkeys
Babyshambles
The Cribs
Klaxons
Muse

Best International Band
Arcade Fire
Foo Fighters
The Killers
Kings Of Leon
My Chemical Romance

Best New Band
The Enemy
Foals
Joe Lean And The Jing Jang Jong
The Pigeon Detectives
The Wombats

Best Live Band
Arctic Monkeys
The Cribs
Kaiser Chiefs
Muse
My Chemical Romance

Best Solo Artist
Kate Nash
Jamie T
Jack Penate
Amy Winehouse
Patrick Wolf

Best Album
'Favourite Worst Nightmare' - Arctic Monkeys
'Shotters Nation' - Babyshambles
'We'll Live And Die In These Towns' – The Enemy
'Myths Of The Near Future' - Klaxons
'In Rainbows' – Radiohead

Best Track
'Fluorescent Adolescent' – Arctic Monkeys
'Flux' – Bloc Party
'Men's Needs' – The Cribs
'Lord Don't Slow Me Down' - Oasis
'Let's Dance To Joy Division' – The Wombats

Best Video
'Teddy Picker' – Arctic Monkeys
'Flux' – Bloc Party
'D.A.N.C.E.' - Justice
'Golden Skans' - Klaxons
'Teenagers' – My Chemical Romance

Best Music DVD
'Up The Shambles' – Babyshambles
'The Song Remains The Same' – Led Zeppelin
'Unplugged In New York' - Nirvana
'Lord Don’t Slow Me Down' - Oasis
'I Told You I Was Trouble' – Amy Winehouse

Best Live Event
Carling Weekend: Reading And Leeds Festival
Glastonbury
Muse At Wembley Stadium
T In The Park
V Festival

Hero Of The Year
Matt Bellamy
Pete Doherty
Noel Fielding
Ryan Jarman
Thom Yorke

Villain Of The Year
Tony Blair
Johnny Borrell
Gordon Brown
George W Bush
Amy Winehouse

Best Dressed
Pete Doherty
Noel Fielding
Kate Nash
Alex Turner
Gerard Way

Worst Dressed
Johnny Borrell
Pete Doherty
Mika
Gerard Way
Amy Winehouse

Best Dancefloor Filler
'Flux' – Bloc Party
'Hummer' - Foals
'D.A.N.C.E.' - Justice
'Atlantis To Interzone' - Klaxons
'Let's Dance To Joy Division' – The Wombats

Best Album Artwork
'Favourite Worst Nightmare' – Arctic Monkeys
'The Good, The Bad And The Queen' – The Good, The Bad And The Queen
'Sawdust' – The Killers
'Because Of The Times' – Kings Of Leon
'Send Away The Tigers' – Manic Street Preachers

Best Radio Show
Russell Brand (Radio 2)
Zane Lowe (Radio 1)
Chris Moyles (Radio 1)
Colin Murray (Radio 1)
Jo Whiley (Radio 1)

Worst Album
'1973' - James Blunt
'The Trick To Life' – The Hoosiers
'Spirit' - Leona Lewis
'Life In Cartoon Motion' - Mika
'Blackout' - Britney Spears

Worst Band
30 Seconds To Mars
Fall Out Boy
The Hoosiers
My Chemical Romance
Panic At The Disco

Best TV Show
'Heroes'
'The Mighty Boosh'
'Never Mind The Buzzcocks'
'The IT Crowd'
'Skins'

Best Film
'Control'
'Hot Fuzz'
'Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End'
'The Simpsons Movie'
'Superbad'

Sexiest Man
Howlin' Pelle Almqvist
Julian Barrett
Noel Fielding
Nicky Wire
Patrick Wolf

Sexiest Woman
Jenny Lewis
Kylie Minogue
Rhianna
Hayley Williams
Rachael Yamagata

Best Venue
Brixton Academy
Manchester Apollo
Glasgow Barrowlands
London Astoria
Wembley Stadium

Best Website
Bebo
Facebook
Last.fm
Myspace
YouTube

Best Band Blog
Foals (www.wearefoals.com/blog)
Lilly Allen (www.myspace.com/lilymusic)
Lightspeed Champion (www.lightspeedchampion.com)
Radiohead (www.radiohead.com/deadairspace)
The Streets (www.myspace.com/thestreets)

Best Music Blog
The Hype Machine (hypem.com)
The Modern Age (www.themodernage.org)
Nothing But Green Lights (nothingbutgreenlights.net)
Spinner (spinner.com)
Stereogum (stereogum.com)

The most exciting thing about the nominations is probably the appearance of Noel Fielding. But how the hell did Wembley Stadium make it into the "best venue" shortlist? Really? That's what NME readers think of when they ask themselves "where would I want to see a gig?"