Gordon in the morning: Deyn works through more indish bands

It's worth noting this morning that they've left the Bruno's Bizarre masthead on the front page of the Bizarre website this morning, leaving poor Gordon as little more than a walk-on in his own page.

The main story this morning is about Agyness Deyn and her habit of dating minor members of sort of indie bands, doing nothing to dispel the feeling that she's some of Kate Moss Historic Re-enactment Society.

Currently, it's Miles Kane from The Rascals, but Gordon has a list:

It’s like a Who’s Who of top bands including THE STROKES guitarist ALBERT HAMMOND JR, THE PADDINGTONS’ JOSH HUBBARD and PHANTOM PLANET’s ALEX GREENWALD.

Well, it's like a who's who of top bands in the sense that one of those would be a list of names of people who play instruments, too.

Smart has also got some special insight into this latest 'relationship':

A pal of the couple told me: “Miles and Agy get on like a house on fire and have a proper laugh. Miles bowled her off her feet. His pals ask about her but all he says is things are ‘boss’.

"They have passed the three-week mark now. He lives in Liverpool but has been in the Big Smoke charming the pants off her. She’s very down to earth. That’s her appeal.”

The last person to use the phrase "the Big Smoke" seriously was probably Mike Baldwin back when he was dating Bet Lynch. And even he was just saying words that someone else had put in his mouth.

Elsewhere, Sarah Harding is confidently predicting her acting won't be all Mariah Carey:

She said: "I don't want to try too much, too soon. I'm taking baby steps.

"I'm working my way into acting gradually - I don't want people to think that I'm just swanning in there.

"There is a stigma attached to people who go from singing to acting."

Presumably, then, that KitKat advert was the first baby step on a route to being Dandini at the Scarborough Empire in a couple of Christmases' time.

Gordon in the morning: Fill in his blanks

Clearly, running with a long lens snap of Gary Lineker in his swimshorts and the headline on an Agyness Deyn story shows that Gordon is tired right now.

In their natural Agytat

So very, very tired.

So perhaps it's not surprising that Gordon is asking for help from his readers to slap a name on Deyn's friends:

But how to refer to the herd of TV folk, models, designers and pop stars? Readers, it’s up to you. Email biz@the-sun.co.uk with your ideas.

If you'd like to join in, you'd probably need to know who's in that herd:

Look carefully at the wee beasties in this street scene and you can spot a PIXIE GELDOF, a NICK GRIMSHAW, the Ag and a HENRY HOLLAND at play. There’s even a lesser-spotted REMI NICOLE lurking in the background.

Yes, he did just call Agyness "the Ag". So very, very tired.

I think Gordon might have overlooked that there's already a term which covers this group of people with little talent and no philosophy: "members of the public".

Elsewhere, Gordon runs a photo of Chris Martin at Disneyland under the headline:

Speed of sound, Chris?

Which makes no sense, as the picture is of him standing up and there's no reference to speed, or movement, or even riding, in the story underneath.

Gordon does point out what a good man he is:

Rock ’n’ roll stars are taking some time off too. CHRIS MARTIN has been treating his two nippers, APPLE and MOSES, to the ultimate childhood trip in Disneyland, LA. The COLDPLAY frontman hates his kids having their picture taken, so I’ve left them off the page.

How generous of Gordon. You wonder why Martin and Paltrow's kids get this treatment when everyone elses' are considered fair game - would it be too cynical to bet on there being some sort of letter on headed notepaper from a professional warning papers to lay off Apple and Moses on pain of privacy complaints to the PCC?

Still, it does mean that Gordon has run a photo of a man standing, apparently on his own, in a queue this morning. Quite a scoop.

Darkness at 3AM: Answerable questions

A picture of Agyness Deyn in a denim jacket prompts the 3AM Girls to ask:

Have you ever seen anything as 80s as this?

Erm, yes: Police beating up miners at Orgreave. Ronald Reagan yelling "honey, I forgot to duck". Morten Harket wearing those strappy leather things. Madonna releasing flawless pop. Number One magazine. Trailers for Connie with Stephanie Beacham on TVS. The whole of the year 1987.

Why do you ask?

It's golden-egg-goose this, golden-egg-goose that

The Five O'Clock Heroes are feeling frustrated, poor lambs, because everyone asks them about Agyness Deyn rather than, you know, them:

"Whenever we have an interview now, all anyone ever asks us about is Agy. It can be really frustrating when the questions should be about music, not about who Agy's dating and stuff like that.

"Something I do find quite annoying is when there's a photo with Agy and the band, quite often they'll just focus on her and chop our heads off - even though she's only recorded one song with us."

The band do seem to genuinely believe that all these photos, all these interviews, would be happening without Deyn having made the record with them. She's catapulted them to a very strong position - a spot of gratitude might work better than mounting bitterness. Accept it, boys: you took part in her campaign, not she in yours.

Gordon in the morning: Down and out with Paris and someone

Gordon gloats this morning that his good buddy Victoria Beckham out-performed Paris Hilton:

AHHH diddums! Poor PARIS HILTON was baffled by a lack of snappers waiting for her at London’s Dorchester hotel yesterday.

Every man and his dog had gone to see VICTORIA BECKHAM launch her new denim range at Harrods.

Really, Gordon?

Or was it because the paparazzi had got all the photos they wanted at the Selfridges launch of her Paris' new perfume? The Evening Standard certainly saw things differently:

Paris Hilton upstages Posh..as she stops traffic in London's busiest street for her fragrance launch

Still, let's give Beckham her moment in the - ahem - sun. She's kind of like Janice Battersby now, heavily involved in making unconvincing clothes. Or, as she puts it:

“I’m getting a chance from really cool, credible people in a cool career. If you work really hard it happens.”

Harrods? Cool? Credible? Not unless you're selling there in 1974. It's mostly overpriced tourist tat these days, sold in a brand which has been flawed by its nasty little airport shops.

Still, it's probably not important that the piece is a bit idiotic - these days, Gordon's little more than a newsagent offering softcore jazz mags. Today, it's Agyness Dean's tits that are hung on a "story" which seems to be little more than "here is a photo of Agyness Dean's tits.

Not that she's the cut-price Kate Moss, or anything

What a surprise: Agyness Deyn has made a record with a small indie band. The Five O'Clock Heroes, in this case.

No wonder Pete Doherty had himself locked up.

Showbiz Zoe climbs back on the horse

With last week's Oasis-to-play-Dome story rousing Noel Gallagher himself to go out and rubbish it within hours of the Sunday Mirror, what's Showbiz Zoe got for her Zoe Showbiz showbiz column with Showbiz Zoe?

Something about Kylie Minogue having blind dates. Or, rather, double-blind dates as Zoe doesn't seem to know who they're with:

The pop goddess's most recent romantic rendezvous was with one of New York's wealthiest businessmen.

Zoe seems to know rather a lot about a man whose name she doesn't know:

But what ticks my boxes - and probably Kylie's too - is that he owns a yacht and has a private jet on standby.

Yes, because Kylie is probably going to be swayed by whether a bloke fannies about on a yacht.

Zoe also has a photo of Agyness Deyn, which prompts her to observe:

Not sure about socks with shoes, but with those legs Agy gets away with anything

Eh? When did it become a fashion no-no to wear socks with shoes? Sandals, I knew about; clogs and flip-flops make sense - but are the kids really not wearing socks when they wear shoes now?

Darkness at 3AM: Cubicle rats

The 3AM Girls also have the story about Noel, Borrell and Allen in the toilets, but they're even more nervous about the heavy-handed drug hints. At least Gordon put his nudge-nudge wink-wink in his own mouth; the 3AMies make the "drugs" allusion come from the mouth of "one partygoer":

"Who knows what they were all up to in there... but it certainly got up someone's nose!"

If you have toes, prepare to curl them now. Underneath perhaps one of the least interesting headlines ever committed to print:

Agyness Deyn wears prom dress to her birthday party

the 3AM Girls report that iD threw a party for her "with a northern theme."

As if the thought of braying metropolitan fashionistas dressing up as "northerners" wasn't bad enough, the Daily Mirror finds a way to add insult to injury:

[S]he wore a pretty prom dress. What, no flat cap!

It's not recorded if the ate coal during the party.

Gordon in the morning: Inspired

In the interests of being fair, we have to admit the headline on the story about Katie Price getting drunk and needing some help to get in a taxi in this morning's Bizarre is pretty sharp:

I looked over Jordan, what did I see, someone needs to carry her home

Unfortunately, though, this only appears in the paper and on the index page of the site: the permanent page on the story goes with:

Jordan's WAG night out with Alex

- which suggests the Swing Low allusion might have been added elsewhere in the production process.

Looking at some of the other headlines this morning:

Agyness is the Deyn attraction

and

Paris' bangers get some air

... well, it only adds to the suspicion that there was help from outside. "Deyn attraction" doesn't even work as a pun, but at least it's not a single entendre.

Gordon in the morning: Cheryl Cole on the dog and bones

The Bizarre lead this morning - filed, of course, by someone other than Gordon - is a report from Cheryl Cole's head-clearing holiday. There's some two-faced worrying over her weight - the photo library struggling to find a 'before' photo where she had much more flesh on her bones - before we get to eavesdrop on a call:

Last night a fellow guest at her resort called The Sun and revealed how she heard the anguished star tell a pal in a phone call: “Don’t treat me like a victim. I’m not a fucking victim, I’m a grown woman.

“People email me, ‘Poor you, poor thing’. Fuck.

“How can I trust my fella again? He’s damaged goods. I knew something was wrong when I confronted him about some woman and he made up some shitty excuse rather than deny it outright.”

This is rather an elaborate piece of eavesdropping, isn't it? It looks more like a transcript taken down by someone with shorthand - why, you couldn't get a more full quote if you'd bugged her phone, could you?

That this isn't actually a holidaymaker is made even more apparent by what comes next:

The holidaymaker said: “Cheryl is clearly devastated — she looked stick thin. That bastard Ashley Cole has a lot to answer for.”

Diligent shorthand and talks in tabloidese. Curious.

Gordon himself, meanwhile, worries about Agyness Deyn:

I THOUGHT model AGYNESS DEYN was trying too hard to be cool in pink shades at night as she trekked east from the Elle awards to party in Shoreditch.

But just when I was secretly hoping she would walk into a lamppost I found out the poor thing has a nasty eye infection.

And yesterday she had to wear an eye patch on pal HENRY HOLLAND’s catwalk at The Village Underground, also in the East End.

Oh. Righto. Is the story here 'woman has eye infection' or 'sort-of-journalist mistakes medical aid for attempt to be cool'? But if it's either of them, it's not entirely clear why this would be in a newspaper - as second item, mark you.

There's another piece today on the other Blake, as Gordon continues to chew at that one, trumpeting this morning:

AMY WINEHOUSE’s jailbird husband BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL will be spitting porridge when he hears about this.

... he hopes.