Calvin Klein has just turned into your grandma

I think we've all been there, when an older relative hands you a gift they've put a lot of thought into, but which reflects something you liked years ago and you've long since outgrown?

Gee, thanks, Uncle Calvin Klein. Justin Bieber doing underwear ads. Wow... [sotto voce Uncle Calvin must think I'm still twelve. Bless.]

Sidenote #1: According to our back-of-a-Wahaca-seed-packet calculation, Bieber is now 84% indistinguishable from Vanilla ice

Sidenote #2: Very much an object lesson in why adding yet another shit tattoo to your shit tattoos doesn't make the original shit tattoo any better

Gordon in the morning: Pants

Behind Gordon's impregnable paywall this morning comes the news that One Direction are going to appear at some sort of Victoria's Secret event. Or, in other words, all lingerie models ever can expect to start receiving evil tweets from One Direction fans warning them not to push their busts up in Harry's general direction.

Gordon in the morning: Model home

Oddly, Gordon is leading this morning on a story about Britain And Ireland's Next Top Model. Sure, it has a tangental link to JLS, but I don't recall ever having seen BINTM getting such prominence in Bizarre ever before.

Could it be because Jade Thompson, this cycle's winner, is far more interesting than any of the previous winners?

"I wanted to say hello when the band came off stage because he [Ortise]'s a nice bloke and I haven't met him in person yet. But I'm really loved up with my man."

Hardly.

Could it be because the most recent series was the first one to broadcast on Living after its acquisition by Sky?

Bookmarks: Internet stuff - Vampire Weekend

Vanity Fair cover the Contra album cover model and her complaint in some depth; it kicks the idea that this was a family photo which someone found in a box sale into touch while it's still taking a breath, and weighs the counterclaims between model Ann Kennis and the man who claims he took the picture Tod Brody.

Kennis says she can't remember the picture being take, but doesn't buy Brody's story; Brody spends a lot of time explaining why the internet paints him as untrustworthy, but the key paragraph is probably this:

If the Contra case does go to trial, the outcome could hinge on a key document: a model release form that appears to be dated July 30, 2009. (The date is crossed out and re-written.) The form is from Vampire Weekend Inc. to someone named “Kirsten Johnsen” (spelled “Johnson” elsewhere on the form), who signed her permission for the band to use her image for a fee of $1. The form contains no mention of Brody, but it does include an address named in the suit as Brody’s residence. No release form from the 1980s has yet been presented in court.

Vampires attract cash-hungry model

Ann Kirsten Kennis. The name might be unfamiliar, but the face won't be.

This is her:



She's unhappy, as she claims that her appearance on the sleeve of Vampire Weekend's Contra was without her knowledge or permission.

Surely, you say, given that she's a model, she must have had a good idea that her picture would be used on things that pictures appear on? Isn't that her job? And wouldn't she have signed a release form?

She's ahead of you:

She also claims someone forged her signature on a release form.

Naturally, being America, she's decided that she needs to sue as only money can overcome the horror for a model of people looking at a photo of her. And, to be fair, if the picture was used against the rules, there is a small case to answer. So what are we talking - a few hundred dollars?

She's asking for two million dollars.

Two million dollars for being on an alt-rock CD sleeve? If that's what she thinks the pricing scale would suggest, it's perhaps no surprise she's not a famous model - "a shoot for a catalogue? Why, yes, I'd be delighted - that's going to be ten million pounds a day. Hello? Hello?"

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: The Price of nothing

Did you know that Katie Price - or ITV2, as she's known professionally - has got a single out? Of course you didn't, because if you did you'd have been hiding under the bed until it all went away.

It looks like 'under the bed' might be quite busy, come to that, as the whole world seems to be hiding from the single. It's going to be lucky to scrape the Top 50.

Earlier this week, she told the Press Association: "If it does well, that would be brilliant, but as long as people like it."

Let's hope she had a plan C as well. "Failing that, just so long as I'm not summoned to The Hague to explain what I've wrought" - something like that.

Who can explain how Katie Price is supposedly so popular, but her records are not selling?

Why, this job could be perfect for HMV's Glamour Factmodel, Gennaro Castaldo:

Gennaro Castaldo of music retailer HMV said: "Katie Price is obviously a hugely successful celebrity who knows how to engage with her fans, particularly when it comes to her books, DVDs and other merchandise, but some people seem to be drawing a line when it comes to her singing."

Castaldo seems puzzled that people aren't buying the record when they buy all the other tosh; surely his puzzlement should be that she manages to sell anything at all.

Perhaps she should have got someone else to do the singing for her, the way she has someone else write the books for her.

Gordon in the morning: The Jagger meister

Apparently the biggest story in showbiz this morning is something about Mick Jagger telling model Mick Jagger's Daughter that she has to stay in and do her revision.

This wouldn't even be worth noting, were it not for the result of pencil-sucking at The Sun thinking of something to say about Mick keeping Georgia Jagger at home.

WHEN MICK JAGGER was a snake-hipped, hellraising 18-year-old he was indulging in all sorts of rock 'n' roll antics and bad behaviour.

But was rock's Mr Pot banging on about the kettle when he sang Paint It Black?

I'm not a rock historian, but I'm pretty certain: no.

Gordon in the morning: Because Gordon is an oil painting

The idea that Georgia May is going to be hanging around being written about, simply because three decades ago her dad was making interesting music isn't one that brings any pleasure. She doesn't deserve the way Smart's writing about her this morning, though:

Georgia's a bit Mick and teef

I just wonder if Austin Powersslipped round to JERRY HALL's when ROLLING STONES star Mick was on tour, because her gnashers have a hint of the international man of mystery about them.

Apart from being just a gratuitous and cruel attack on someone's looks for no other reason than to fill an aching gap in the newspaper, it doesn't even make any sense. I mean... he does know that Austin Powers was a made-up person? And that the teeth were plastic?

It's the second time in a fortnight that Smart has written about Jagger - last time, apparently he managed to not notice the teeth. That time he was obsessed by how 'short' she is:

T'S unusual for a 5ft 7in girl to make it big in the model world.

Kate Moss is five foot six and a half.

Gordon in the morning: If a Madonna falls over and makes no noise...

It's Wednesday morning, and Gordon has got video of Madonna flopping onstage. Twice. On Saturday.

Madonna sparks concern after at gig in Sofia

Sparks concern? Although, apparently, the news has been shared by a postcard?

Even a couple of years ago, it's hard to imagine that if Madonna went down on a Saturday night, she'd have to wait for the pictures to appear in The Sun for four days while Gordon made up polls about Oasis.

Meanwhile, Gordon's suddenly come over all moral about people showing too much flesh again, as he runs an advert for New Look disguised as photos of Kimberley Walsh:

THIS is a lesson to LADY GAGA on how to look sexy without exposing her Fallopian tubes.

Here is KIMBERLEY WALSH flaunting her best asset in this exclusive first shot from her modelling job for New Look.

It's a photo of Kimberley with a tight dress clinging to her arse.

The GIRLS ALOUD singer proudly showed off her curves in a tight black sequined dress.

It sounds a little like Gordon's line here is "you know, you can crack one out over a photo even if it's got clothes in it", but I'm sure that's not really what he means.

New Look and KitKat, Kimberley? That's quite some top-end modelling you're doing there. The top end of the High Street, perhaps, but at least it's a top end.

Nelly gets into P Diddy's pants

As a model. Why doesn't Diddy model his own bloody pants?

Oh, no: it's Lowe

Daisy Spam - daughter of Pearl from Powder and im out of Supergrass - is plotting to record a song with her boyfriend Mark Ronson, which comes as something of a surprise. Wasn't modeling meant to be the job you went into precisely because you didn't have the skills to do something creative?

Still, I suppose it's lucky she's dating a producer. If she was going out with a biologist, she'd probably get it into her head to create her own range of viruses.

Not that she's the cut-price Kate Moss, or anything

What a surprise: Agyness Deyn has made a record with a small indie band. The Five O'Clock Heroes, in this case.

No wonder Pete Doherty had himself locked up.

Cheap thrills with Heather Mills

With almost perfect timing, a couple of days after Julie Bindel took a hard look at the naked-awareness raising photo campaigns (the nadir, of course, being Mel B stripping off to, erm, fight sex trafficking), the News of the World uncovers Heather Mills' photos for landline awareness that she, supposedly, shot in 1999 but which have - until now - been protected by the cloak of McCartney's lawyers.

The NOTW tries to suggest that there's something hypocritical about this shoot:

Mucca claimed in her book, Out On A Limb, that she turned her back on raunchy modelling aged 17. She said: "Posing topless just didn't satisfy me."

It seems stripping off entirely obviously did.

She clearly had no idea what she was doing, if she expected full-frontal, gynecological shots to be used generally, even in a good cause. And there is a big question over if stripping off clothes is always (or ever) the best way to draw attention to human suffering. But does the NOTW really think that a well-intentioned art shot by a professional model is analogous to the sort of work done to fill the DVDs and magazines sold in the classified sections of, erm, the News of the World?

Ramalamalama fa-fa-fashion

Sian Pattenden makes some sport with Bobby Gillespie's sudden reinvention as a fashion model. She is, at least, polite enough to not mention that he's wearing a tie, nor wonder how posing for a fashion company's adverts squares with the whole "Bomb the Pentagon/Swasitka Eyes anti-military industrial complex is bad" Primal Scream worldview.

More suprisingly, Gillespie's co-option is accompanying the opening of two UNIQLO stores in London. We didn't know that that company - which, half a decade ago arrived in the UK with a string of openings followed, about six months laters, with a string of closings - was still going. Mind you, many people might say the same about Primal Scream.

In your Dad's suits you hide

Presumably, Marks and Spencer will be delighted by the new Take That men's suits campaign anyway, as at least they're unlikely to sound like the loved Nazis in the same way Bryan Ferry, the previous incumbent of the Autograph range, did.

However, their throats must have tightened a little when Rankin delivered his shots - the band don't actually look like they own the clothes they're modeling. Indeed, the general effect is of a bunch of dossers who have been visited by a jilted wife, as she distributes the clothes of her errant husband around the neighbourhood. It's less Autograph, more identity fraud.

Scion's friction

Son-of-Mick James Jagger insists he's not a model. Ooh, it makes him mad when people do that:

"I did one modelling job and got written off as a model forever.

"It was one job which paid a bit of money - I bought a car and was done with it. I really despised it and have regretted it ever since."

Yes, James, it must suck. You do a proper paid day's work for once in your life, and nobody will let you forget it. How cruel we are to the offspring of our titled classes.

Pete Doherty cleans up

Yesterday, Pete Doherty was insisting albums didn't have to be all clean. Today, there's photos in the papers of him having a manicure prior to doing his fashion shoot for overpriced trouser firm Gio Goi - oddly not protesting that his nails "don't have to be highly polished."

Lily Allen: The responsible face of fashion

Because Lily Allen can't nip out for a coffee without telling everyone how much better she is than everyone else, she's turning her shabby New Look 'clothing range' into a war of blahs with Kate Moss:

"I like what New Look are doing and I like what they are about.

"They have responsible role models like me and Drew Barrymore and they're very conscious of having positive body images and promoting positive women.

"Unlike Kate Moss and that fucking billionaire who's thrown a load of money at her so we get to see what her wardrobe is like. It's madness."

We suspect that's Philip Green who's feeling Allen's tongue there. But are New Look really "promoting positive women"? Why, then, do their sizes stop at 14, forcing anyone larger to buy from a really stunted (and, frankly, hideous) "different" range? In what way is that different from Top Shop's policy?

Someone from Lily's team tries to make this sound less like sour grapes at landing a much smaller deal with a less prominent store, and more like some sort of battle:

"Lily can't stand the way Kate Moss is put on a pedestal and held up as this amazing role model. Here's a woman who was caught taking cocaine, is going out with a crackhead junkie and is still feted as the queen of cool. At least Lily is straight talking and honest about who she is.

"She's also totally against size zero models, she wants to promote healthy body images. She wants to say to young girls, 'Be happy the way you are and don't try to be like these scrawny girls.'"

Hmmm. Another celeb collection at New Look - the one modelled by Drew Barrymore, in fact - is Gold by Giles Deacon. While it's great that Giles chose a slightly less thin model for his High Street store, this on the left is one of his London Fashion Week creations. Hardly looks like she enjoys a good meal, does she? Doubtless Lily will soon be piping up on New Look giving large sums to designers like Giles who use painfully thin models. Or perhaps not.

Assistance

We know from peering at the Google search terms that bring people here that one of the thwarted hopes visitors have is that they'll find out about "Rhett Miller + model wife." Well, since we like to satisfy, we've asked Becky Bamboo, and she's filled us in. The wife in question is Erica Lahn, and this is what she looks like:

As for the people looking for "Holly+Vallance+Naked"... well, keep hoping...

[UPDATED: 25-01-15 to add back the photo which had become detached over the last 13 years]