Mail has trouble making up mind, decides on "burn the witch"

You'd have to feel sorry for Myleene Klass this morning: the Daily Mail has decided to launch a war on her body shape, but can't even decide what's wrong with it.

At first, it snickers because Marks and Spencer have airbrushed out some "lovehandles" from her Bikini photo shoot - although it tries to make it sound like the paper is disappointed at the treatment:

And although she looked in pretty amazing shape for a new mother, as these pictures show, the 29-year-old television presenter was given the Photoshop treatment to trim her curvy love handles.

Having printed pictures of her with these offensive handles and had a bit of a chuckle at them, the paper then decides she's also too thin:

[S]he appears to have lost even more weight, as she showed off a very slim figure at the Mayfair Personality of the Year Awards at the Grosvenor House Hotel earlier this month.

Myleene's ultra-slim appearance prompted onlookers to wonder where her famous curves had disappeared to.
[...]
But her shrinking frame is likely to disappoint admirers - including fiancé Graham 'Gray' Quinn - who have celebrated her shapely physique.

There is, presumably, a magical weight where Myleene could satisfy the Mail's demands. Or, possibly, someone who could decide if they're outraged by the airbrushing, or by the presence of "lovehandles".

In your Dad's suits you hide

Presumably, Marks and Spencer will be delighted by the new Take That men's suits campaign anyway, as at least they're unlikely to sound like the loved Nazis in the same way Bryan Ferry, the previous incumbent of the Autograph range, did.

However, their throats must have tightened a little when Rankin delivered his shots - the band don't actually look like they own the clothes they're modeling. Indeed, the general effect is of a bunch of dossers who have been visited by a jilted wife, as she distributes the clothes of her errant husband around the neighbourhood. It's less Autograph, more identity fraud.

The handbasket to hell is leaving platform one

Has it really come to this?

Wool Blend Single Breasted 2 Button Black Stripe iPod suit
£149.00

Timeless tailoring meets the latest innovations in fabric technology with our new iPod suit. A strategically placed iPod pocket houses the connector and prevents bulges, while control buttons on the inner lapel allow the wearer to operate the iPod without touching the main controls. Carefully placed loops along the lapel even help to conceal the earphone wires. So plug in, turn up your tunes and look your best, the iPod suit is the perfect choice for the modern man on the move

This, by the way, is Marks and Spencer.

And if clothes designed to save you the effort of having to press a button on an mp3 player isn't enough to suggest that evolution is now probably hurtling back towards the primordial soup, we also have to bring the OK Magazine's Most Influential list to your attention.

There's the surprising news that Katie Holmes has been nominated - since it's apparent that she doesn't even control her own toilet schedule, it's possible a harassed word-donkey on OK misheard the job as coming up with the most celebrity influenced of the year.

That interpretation is supported by the appearance of Simon Cowell - surely the only original thing he's done is to give Piers Morgan a job?

But the point at which a wretched idea really has us retching is this bit:

The 10-month-old daughter of the late Anna Nicole Smith, Dannielynn Hope, was also mentioned as a "survivor", due to being at the centre of "Hollywood's most controversial tragedies".

Since 10 month old children aren't especially influenced by events, and can't really do much more than suckle, puke and poop, we're genuinely at a loss to understand what it is that Dannielynn has done that counts as "influential". Unless OK is merely praising her dignified silence in the face of press speculation - and that, surely, is the last thing the magazine would want to encourage.

Ferry docked

His "goodness, I merely meant I liked the cut of their suits, not the thrust of their policy" apology seems to have been too little, too late: Bryan Ferry has been dropped from the Marks & Spencers campaign.

An M&S spokeswoman said none of its models are on an ongoing contract, and that it would be "really unusual" for any of them to work with them for more than two seasons. She added that "no further executions are planned" of the Ferry campaign.

Bryan, of course, will be disappointed by that - after all, someone who has expressed his admiration for the way the Nazis got across their message would have been hoping for an ongoing series of executions. Possibly until an entire village had been wiped out.

Ferry's minister for propganda has denied he's been dropped. Merely not reinvited:

Stephen Howard, his manager, denied that Ferry had been officially "dropped" and said that the original deal signed with the retailer had only been for two photo shoots for two campaigns.

"Technically he fulfilled the obligations of the contract when he did the last photoshoot," said Mr Howard. "It was a successful association for both parties."

Well, until Bryan started doing the funny walk. If only he'd done the Jimmy Cagney.