Gordon in the morning: Runner-up in some sort of competition does something

In The Apprentice, you'll be aware, there ain't no second prize. Arguably, the arrangements made for the winner of the competition would suggest there's not really a first prize, either.

But what of the X Factor? What happens to the ballast in Simon Cowell's tanks?

Gordon has over-excited news:

Cowell's Ruthless

Hold on - that's a pun:

RUTH LORENZO has turned her back on mentor SIMON COWELL to sign a �1million deal with a rival record firm.

And only six months after not winning The X Factor. Talk about striking a little while after the metal was lukewarm.

Naturally, it's a million quid deal. They're always million pound deals, aren't they? Nobody ever signs a six-hundred thousand pound deal, even if you can only make it to seven figures by enthusiastic rounding-up and counting the costs of every muffin at every marketing meeting.

For all Smart's excitement, you'd have to guess that if Simon Cowell hasn't already forced Lorenzo into a strait-jacketed deal, it might be because he knows something EMI doesn't.

Gordon runs through some people who may or may not be lined up to work with her:

I’ve never been a massive fan of Ruth’s but Tyler, Slash and Santana are big potatoes on both sides of the Pond.

They're big potatoes? Presumably in the sense of "that's not small potatoes", but I'm not sure simply making the spuds larger turns them into something fabulous. Try it today - go in, see your boss, and tell him or her that you think they're an enormous tuber.

And from tubers to tubas, as Gordon has taken delivery of photos of Lily Allen and a man. Not knowing who the man is, Smart is reduced to describing the pictures:

The specs-wearing chum gave the songbird a delicate peck on the side of the head when she was looking glum.

Moments later she was grinning again as she fooled round with a little bugle.

That isn't, sadly, a euphemism. Or a euphonium, come to that.

Having drawn attention to the bugle, and unable to put a name to the man, where can Gordon go?

Lily has just announced a new eight-date UK tour for November.

I wonder if she’ll take an entire brass band on the road with her?

Really? You really wonder that, Gordon? You picture Smile with Harry Worth conducting, do you? Or is it merely that you can't really think of anything else to say about a photo of a woman mucking about by putting a small instrument on her head? If she'd put a flowerpot on her head, doubtless we'd be sat here pondering if she's ever thought of inviting Charlie Dimmock on tour with her.

What's that? Oh, yes... he had thought of that one... but:

Lily's got the horn

... naturally, he was keeping that for the headline.

Gordon in the morning: When friends fall out

But, as with the pressure on Ruth’s bra, something had to give.

Yes, Gordon is incapable of even reporting some sort of falling out between Alexandra Burke and Ruth Lorenzo over something or other without making reference to busts.

A source said: “Alex and Ruth are big characters and the fireworks were spectacular when they finally went off."

Perhaps he should stick to reporting-through-decolletage.

Gordon not only reports the upset, but also swings by with some psychoanalysis about the falling-out:

It’s pretty clear to me what’s going on here.

Ruth is struggling to handle Alex’s success. Alex is beginning to enjoy the trappings of her fame and Ruth is slipping towards z-list obscurity, which will boil inside her like a dodgy curry.

Alex is probably beginning to wonder why she was ever pals with the singing Spaniard.

Both of them, you might notice, are hoofing round the provinces playing to half-interested roomfuls of ITV viewers; it's not like either of them are being courted to do a Diet Coke ad, is it?

It's been a while since we've heard from Kasabian, but it was inevitable their return would be marked first by excitement in Gordon's column. Inevitable:

MIGHTY BOOSH star NOEL FIELDING is poised to take his party pals KASABIAN on a journey through time and space for their next single — after agreeing to ‘Boosh up’ the band for their new video.

Is it just me, or does that sound like a total mismatch? Like serving cheeseburgers from a Victorian soup tureen?

Aided and abetted by his art college mate DAVE BROWN — BOLLO the DJing ape in the cult BBC show — Fielding is already creating a surreal world for SERGE PIZZORNO, TOM MEIGHAN et al.

Gordon does know the names of the others. No, really, he does. They hang out together and everything.

He is even tinkering with groundbreaking 3-D effects — which sounds perfect for the Leicester lads’ tunes.

Does it? Really? Because it'll add an extra two dimensions that the music doesn't offer, do you mean?

X Factor cleared

Ofcom has considered the complaints generated by the last season of the X Factor, including these:

1. they experienced problems getting through when attempting to vote and thus, they believed, some of the results were unfair. The highest volume of complaints of this nature related to editions broadcast on 1 and 8 November 2008, on which contestants Austin Drage and Laura White were eliminated respectively;
2. the number they dialled did not correspond with the message advising which contestant a vote had been recorded for;
3. during one particular recap of the voting numbers broadcast on 18 October 2008, the telephone number allocated to contestant Ruth Lorenzo was incorrect and as such, she may not have received all of the votes intended for her; and
4. contestant Diana Vickers was unable to perform in the contest on 8 November owing to illness and therefore automatically went through to the subsequent week. Some complainants thought this was unfair on the other contestants.

Channel TV - who, in a sleight of hand designed to minimise ITV's exposure to fines, do all the compliance - report that they can find no evidence of people being unable to get through:

In its response, the broadcaster included several examples of complainants who had contacted them claiming the automated message advising of their vote did not match the telephone number they had dialled. However, it transpired they had either misdialled or used the number allocated to the same contestant the previous week. (The contestants’ identifying final phone digits change from week to week.)

Aah. Things are so bad at ITV now, they're quite happy to defend themselves by pointing out that their audience is a bit dim. It's unclear if the phrase "look, they're voting for the X Factor, it's a miracle they can punch the keypad at all, much less get the numbers right" made it into the official submission to Ofcom, but the sense is there.

Ofcom pointed out that the decision to let Diana Vickers through fell, somewhat substantially, outside its remit:

Ofcom is not responsible for the design of ‘reality’ or talent shows. We will intervene in circumstances only where we consider viewers to have been misled or otherwise improperly disadvantaged.

Ofcom are, though, cool with viewers being disadvantaged in a proper manner.