Alice Cooper: Golf, and not golf

Alice Cooper's well-documented love of golf causes some sort of problem. How does what is perhaps the world's dullest activity fit with the carefully marketed stage image of Alice Cooper?

He's got a workaround:

He told BANG Showbiz: "Alice hates golf. Alice the character hates golf. I love golf but he hates it. That's why I'll never do a golf DVD - nobody wants to see me play golf, they want to see Alice play golf, but he hates it."

This sounds a bit like a child trying to blame their imaginary friend for doing something wrong. Except it's the imaginary friend who is in the right.

Gordon in the morning: Better homes and pardon?

Supposedly, Robbie Williams is thinking of buying a large house in Kent. It's the talk of a village near Tunbridge Wells, apparently. The story has been whacked under this headline:

Robbie's a manor of Kent

After a few minutes, you can just discern an attempt at a pun on 'men of Kent', which is perhaps a bit esoteric for The Sun. And wrong, because Tunbridge Wells is in West Kent so it should, properly, be 'Robbie's a Kentish Manor' if anything. But since Williams wasn't born in Kent, he's not actually either a Man Of Kent or a Kentish Man. Certainly not on the strength of two house viewings.

Meanwhile, over at the GQ awards...

THE JLS boys started the night with a bit of a shocker - mistaking ALICE COOPER for an old woman.

But it seems Alice took it well and posed for a photo with JB, MARVIN, ORITSE and ASTON.

Much as I would love to believe this story, it doesn't really make any sense - how are they supposed to have "mistaken" Cooper? Did someone say 'have your photo taken with Alice' and they say 'I don't see an old woman?'

That seems a little unlikely - and why would they assume Alice to be old, even if the female name could be confusing?

Or did they meet Alice Cooper, and think he was a woman? That doesn't seem likely, either.

The "story" under the standfirst doesn't actually have any further explanation. It all has the air of something made-up to sit under an otherwise pointless photo.

God, I'm defending JLS. I feel dirty.

Alice Cooper helps fleece the masses

I guess the idea of getting Alice Cooper to front a TV commercial encouraging people to trade-in their TVs rather than throwing them out of windows makes for a marginally amusing concept. And it's not like Cooper is the sort of artist for whom appearing in a Sony ad is going to ruin his reputation. In fact, compared to his pieces pushing Sky with Ronnie Corbett, this ad is the model of integrity.



And he did this, too, of course, flogging golf clubs:



And he did make this charming spot for Staples:



So, given that he's the shills' shill, perhaps its more surprising that Sony wanted him in the advert rather than coming up with a new idea.

The real worry about the advert is the message behind it. MediaGuardian reports:

Matt Coombe, the general marketing manager at Sony UK, said that the campaign aimed to capitalise on the need for all sets to be digital by the time the UK's analogue terrestrial signal is switched off in 2012.

I'm sorry, what, Mr. Coombe? While it's true that all sets must be capable of receiving a digital signal by switch-off, that has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with buying a new TV. Indeed, one of the central planks of the Digital Switchover campaign is stressing that while you might need a new aerial; you might need a new set-top box; you might think about a satellite dish, the one thing you don't need to do is buy an expensive new television. Quite elaborate lengths have been gone to to make it clear that old TVs can adapt to getting WestCountry Tonight in digital.

So Alice Cooper is lending his commercial heft to pushing an upgrade that nobody needs to get involved with. Good work, Sony. Good work, everybody.

Cooper, bags reunited

Alice Cooper had lost his traveling collection of rare DVD horror movies, but BAA have found them, somewhere in the corner of Heathrow.

Cooper had offered front-row and backstage passes for his gigs to anyone returning the films, which while a nice offer seemed to overestimate how attractive the idea of watching Alice Cooper on stage might be to the average person. Sure, if the movies had got lost at one of his dates, free tickets might tempt the likely finder. But the chances of a random person in Heathrow Airport being more excited by a night watching an old man in tight trousers than the prospect of thirty quid at a car boot sale seems slim.

Happily, the DVDs were unsaleable, and so they were returned to their rightful owner with nobody forced to attend an evening at the theatre.

Alice Cooper: The song remains the same

After all that fuss over the suggestion that Slayer songs pretty much all sound like Slayer songs, how refreshing to find someone making rock music to a formula who admits that, yes, it's a formula designed to soothe rather than surprise. Step forward, Alice Cooper:

I really kind of do my albums for my fans. I realize I'm not breaking any new ground out there. I don't think OZZY is, or AEROSMITH is, either. We have our fans. We've had them for a long time. We are getting new fans because kids that like MARILYN MANSON immediately go, "Who's this ALICE COOPER that they're always talking about?" Then they bring up my website on the Internet and go, "Wait a minute…I like this guy even better… and he's got 25 albums out!" So, they rediscover me…but honestly, when I do an album, I'm not thinking about, "Boy, I really got to get the FOO FIGHTERS' audience." [laughs] I'm thinking that I've got to satisfy my audience."

It might be wishful thinking to picture Manson fans going "hey... this stuff is even better", although if they like the pantomime when the pantomime knows it pantomime, there's no reason why they shouldn't.

Must we fling this flower at our filth kids?

Who does Alice Cooper credit for his success? The last woman you might expect, it turns out:

Alice Cooper tells Leona Graham on Virgin Radio that criticism of his band by Mary Whitehouse was the greatest thing that could have happened. He says: “We were sending her roses every day saying thank you. And she couldn’t figure out why.”

Likewise, of course, nobody could ever work out quite why Whitehouse was so outraged by Cooper; it was like being upset by Hector from Hector's House, as his subsequent career has shown.

Projects that almost certainly will never see the light of day, number 479

Are Alice Cooper and the Mighty Boosh writing a musical together?

The NME says yes, they might be:

"I absolutely love Alice Cooper," Fielding is quoted as saying. "I wonder is he has ever considered writing an acid rock gothic musical. If we did one, would he co-star?"

And then Cooper delivers a "yes, that would be fun, wouldn't it?" style non-committal quote, which seems to be enough to convince everyone it's going to happen. Although who will be underwriting the costs isn't, exactly, clear.

Mind you, we'd love to see John Barrowman and Andrew Lloyd Webber judging the castings on Saturday night TV.

Alice Cooper hates The Osbournes

Alice is keen to stress that, when he says The Osbournes made Ozzy look like a pathetic laughing stock, he's talking as a friend:

"Most fans thought he lived in a big, dark castle with skeletons in the cellar.

When that show aired they knew he was just some guy who potters around his Beverly Hills mansion.

It was meant to be some kind of comedy but the audience was laughing at Ozzy, not with him. And as a close friend, that made me very sad."

He might not have lived in a castle with skeletons, but he shares a house with Kelly and Sharon - isn't that horrific enough for you people?

Mojo give the gongs

We're a little surprised that in these multimedia end days in which we live that Mojo appear to have not bothered covering their own awards online, allowing the BBC to carry the winners first. Like not eating the cake at your own birthday party, surely?

Or perhaps they're just a little awkward about the winners:

Butter-advertising Ozzy Osbourne has won the Icon Award; Rehab was the song of the year; The Stooges picked up lifetime achievement awards and, while Ike Turner's habit of beating the shit out of Tina might be causing problems for him at the Edinburgh Jazz festival, it hasn't stopped Mojo presenting him with Best Legend.

Actually, can Legends be comparative? "I'm a better legend than you"? Alice Cooper picked up the hero prize, which is different to being a legend, of course.

Best album has gone to The Good, The Bad and the Queen; Arcade Fire are best live act; Surprisingly, Seasick Steve won the breakthrough act, which will probably do him about as much good as it did Colin Barely Rae last year.

Surviving Marleys a-plenty came out to accept the classic award for Exodus on behalf of Bob; Bjork took what the BBC call "the prestigious inspiration award" - we suspect the adjective is the BBC's, but we're not sure; Joy Division outstanding contribution and Suicide the inspiration in sound prize, whatever that means.

Apparently, all the EMAP magazine awards shows are henceforward going to be sponsored by Bitburger beers:

Adnams marketing director Steve Curzon said: "We know that music and movies are two subjects that score highly among the Bitburger target audience.

"Q, Empire, Mojo, Kerrang and Arena are all titles that embody socialising and exclusivity - these are watchwords of the Bitburger positioning within the UK."

We're not entirely sure that if we were trying to position a lager as exclusive we'd throw it at the Kerrang awards, but then we don't work in advertising.