Gordon in the morning: Better homes and pardon?

Supposedly, Robbie Williams is thinking of buying a large house in Kent. It's the talk of a village near Tunbridge Wells, apparently. The story has been whacked under this headline:

Robbie's a manor of Kent

After a few minutes, you can just discern an attempt at a pun on 'men of Kent', which is perhaps a bit esoteric for The Sun. And wrong, because Tunbridge Wells is in West Kent so it should, properly, be 'Robbie's a Kentish Manor' if anything. But since Williams wasn't born in Kent, he's not actually either a Man Of Kent or a Kentish Man. Certainly not on the strength of two house viewings.

Meanwhile, over at the GQ awards...

THE JLS boys started the night with a bit of a shocker - mistaking ALICE COOPER for an old woman.

But it seems Alice took it well and posed for a photo with JB, MARVIN, ORITSE and ASTON.

Much as I would love to believe this story, it doesn't really make any sense - how are they supposed to have "mistaken" Cooper? Did someone say 'have your photo taken with Alice' and they say 'I don't see an old woman?'

That seems a little unlikely - and why would they assume Alice to be old, even if the female name could be confusing?

Or did they meet Alice Cooper, and think he was a woman? That doesn't seem likely, either.

The "story" under the standfirst doesn't actually have any further explanation. It all has the air of something made-up to sit under an otherwise pointless photo.

God, I'm defending JLS. I feel dirty.

Jackson: worse than the worst Location, Location, Location

Apparently Michael Jackson has decided he's not going to stay in his original mansion of choice (or second mansion, if you believe Gordon Smart) because it might scare his children:

WORRIED Michael Jackson has pulled out of renting a 28-bedroom mansion during his UK summer tour - because it is said to be haunted.

Jacko, 50, said he doesn't want ghosts frightening his children. He also feared 18th-century Foxbury Manor at Chislehurst, Kent, could not be made secure. He was about to pay a £1 million deposit for an an eight-month stay when he was shown a video made by aides and ruled it out.

Although the News Of The World might be headlining the 'ghost' angle, you'd have to suspect that it might be more the "cannot be made secure" aspect of the house that was the real deal-breaker here. (That, and "it's quite close to the main road, Kirstie...") Probably having every newspaper in the UK know where he was staying didn't help, either.

He is now looking at a mansion 15 miles away at Sevenoaks which is monitored by CCTV and guards and has no history of the paranormal.

Or at least, doesn't, until Jackson turns up, dragging his unquiet soul with him.

At this rate, he's going to end up in the Canterbury Travelodge.

Geldof inspects Kent; Kent is found wanting

Seemingly having decided that Africa is a bit big for one man to sort out, Bob Geldof has instead picked Kent to save. He's been writing letters to the local paper about:

"It's a mad mystery - the battle of the ugliness of (Kent seaside town) Margate against the charm of its beaches. Kent is a bit scruffy and worn at the edges and some of its ugliness is inexcusable."

The county of Kent resorted by pretending to have trouble hearing, saying "what was that? Bob Geldof accused me of being 'a bit scruffy and worn at the edges'? Bob Geldof?"

A more measured response came from Andy Somers, president of a local college:

"This is just another slap for the kids of Margate - to be told by somebody they respect that their home is ugly."

Actually, Andy, it's Bob Geldof. I suspect not many kids even know who the strange old man moaning about the hanging baskets being wonky is.