Perez Hilton: It's not a crime, it's generating content

At least Perez Hilton is consistent, so that when he hears the sounds of Will I Am's people's hands slapping him, he reaches not for the phone to alert the police, but his blackberry to alert the blogosphere. He Tweeted in pain:

I'm in shock. I need the police ASAP. Please come to the SoHo Metropolitan Hotel now. Please.

I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke.

Still waiting for the police. The bleeding has stopped. I need to document this. Please, can the police come to the SoHo Met Hotel.

I spoke to my lawyer. I really need to talk to the authorities. Please come to the SoHo Met Hotel. Have called the police. Need them here.

The Toronto police are here now. Thank you. Please stop calling them.

Thank u all from the bottom of my heart for ur concern. The police are investigating the assault now. I did the right thing by reporting it.

I won't be talking about this any further. It is in the hands of the authorities.

What is perhaps best about this is that, even while he's bleeding, Hilton has the wherewithal to make it clear he's talking about Will.I.Am "of the Black Eyed Peas", just in case you thought it might be an artfully punctuated heir to the British throne who was attacking him.

Actually, if Will I Am was attacking me, and I was twittering it, I think I'd probably not bother with those annoying full stops at all. If you're able to do punctuation, it doesn't really suggest very much in the way of urgency about your messages.

It's not clear why Will supposedly attacked Perez Hilton - presumably it'll take Toronto police a while to work their way down the list of plausible motives.

[Thanks to Michael M]