Tuesday, December 20, 2011

We need to talk about '11: January

It's getting close to the end of the year, and so - in what has become an annual event, like renewing car insurance or forgetting to send your aunt a birthday card - No Rock embarks on a twelve-day review of the last year:

One of the Cheeky Girls claimed she wasn't shoplifting, she was researching. Of course. As Ireland gave Jedward the call-up for Eurovision, it wasn't a good month for welcome-outstaying Cowell-created sibling novelty duos. The UK floated Blue as Eurovision entrants, so it wasn't a good month for anglophone competitors, either.

The PRS decided the hardest working man in showbusiness was Peter Andre, although it might have just seemed that from the constant churning of ITV2 trailers. When Michael Buble said he didn't think was sexy, though, it was easier to agree with.

The BNP attempted to turn Billy Bragg's neighbours against him and just made themselves wind up looking like stupid, ignorant idiots. Actually, they started out looking like that, come to think of it. Having said that, compared to Ted Nugent, they look fairly balanced.

After hanging in the balance for years, the intervention of Tory minister Grant Shapps was enough to condemn Ringo's childhood home. Shapps, naturally, was trying to save it and bungled. Down in Oxford, Courtney Love was being adopted by the Tories. Unlikely for David Byrne to receive similar toff-love, after he explained patiently to Michael Gove just how rotten Gove's policies are.

As HMV crumbled, Gennaro Castaldo did a quick find-and-replace on his 'don't panic' press release to send a local message to everyone. Still, HMV is finding it hard in the digital age, where they have to contend with cunning ruses like Britney Spears' special treat for fans: if you 'like' her on Facebook, she'll, erm, sell you a record. Mind you, it's not all cashpiles and IPOs online, as MySpace was looking for a buyer; Nokia's much ballyhooed ComesWithMusic went without fanfare.

Capital Radio abandoned most of its local radio brands, announcing it was attacking Radio 1 as a national pop station, except for the bits it doesn't cover. Radio 1 itself was being accused of being too black while in Canada, Dire Straits' Money For Nothing was banned for the use of the f-word. No, the other f-word.

A Backstreet Boys cruise ended badly as AJ McClean over-relaxed and caused a mutiny. Larry Mullen lost a libel case.

Guy Hands vowed to fight to keep hold of EMI even as painfully contrived mechanisms were being floated for a takeover.

Sting let us in on some of the bedroom secrets of his life with Trude. Chris Martin revealed Coldplay hadn't made a masterpiece. We'd noticed, Chris.

Reassuringly, Kings Of Leon were able to confirm their row with Glee was because they were up-themselves rather than down on gays. Luckily, they didn't have to call their mum in, as James Blunt did, getting his ma to stick up for him over claims that he was posh. Then his dad did, too.

Split: Slow Down Tallahassee. Reunited: Death From Above 1979 and House Of Pain. Axed: The Electric Proms.

2011 Month-by-month
Part of We Need To Talk About '11