Gordon in the morning: The ghost of you stays

Clearly the cupboard is empty at The Sun today. As it continues to grind out extracts from the book about Cowell that nobody cares about ("that everyone's talking about"), the rest of the paper seems to be scrabbling about to try and find anything to fill the yawning holes. Like this:

Ghostly vampire shock for George Michael

Not just a vampire shock, but a ghostly one. For George Michael.

Has David Austin turned up again?

Not quite...

POP legend George Michael’s street is haunted by a VAMPIRE, it was claimed yesterday.

Hang about... if a vampire becomes a ghost, it's not really a vampire any more, is it? It loses the ability to suck blood, so it's just a ghost, surely? That's if a vampire can become a ghost, as not having a soul what would 'create' the ghost?

And where exactly is the 'shock' for George Michael?

Ghostbuster Mickey Gocool, said “exceptionally high levels” of paranormal activity surrounded the ex-Wham! star’s £3million mansion.

So there's just a bloke claiming there's spooky stuff on the street. I don't think that's going to "shock" George Michael, is it? It's not the sort of shock you get when you come to and discover your car is parked alongside the mousemat and mug shelves of Snappy Snaps, is it?

But, come on, let's treat Mickey Gocool like he's an expert - you say there's a ghost vampire on the street, do you?

The house is near Highgate Cemetery, North London, where the vampire was first spotted.

So the 'vampire shock' for George Michael is that there's a claim that a cemetery a short distance away might have a ghost vampire in it.

I can't believe Gordon Smart is breaking such shattering news to him this way. Imagine the trauma that Michael will be going through this morning.

But there's more:

Another alleged ghost is a 17th century woman who murdered 50 kids.

You'll spot the canny use of the word "alleged" there - as we know, Gordon Smart promised Leveson that he diligently fact-checks every word that appears on his pages. The cagey "alleged" suggests that Smart couldn't quite get proof that this ghost actually exists.

Perhaps in the old days he might have made up a quote from a pal of the ghost - "A source said 'she will wake George Michael up before he goes woooooooooooooooooooh'" - but those days are past.

Almost like a proper journalist, Gordon carefully makes clear that there's no proof at all that the made-up bollocks actually exists.

Coming tomorrow: Tulisa plans trip to Austria. Quite near where Dracula comes from.