Gordon in the morning: The ghost of you stays

Clearly the cupboard is empty at The Sun today. As it continues to grind out extracts from the book about Cowell that nobody cares about ("that everyone's talking about"), the rest of the paper seems to be scrabbling about to try and find anything to fill the yawning holes. Like this:

Ghostly vampire shock for George Michael

Not just a vampire shock, but a ghostly one. For George Michael.

Has David Austin turned up again?

Not quite...

POP legend George Michael’s street is haunted by a VAMPIRE, it was claimed yesterday.

Hang about... if a vampire becomes a ghost, it's not really a vampire any more, is it? It loses the ability to suck blood, so it's just a ghost, surely? That's if a vampire can become a ghost, as not having a soul what would 'create' the ghost?

And where exactly is the 'shock' for George Michael?

Ghostbuster Mickey Gocool, said “exceptionally high levels” of paranormal activity surrounded the ex-Wham! star’s £3million mansion.

So there's just a bloke claiming there's spooky stuff on the street. I don't think that's going to "shock" George Michael, is it? It's not the sort of shock you get when you come to and discover your car is parked alongside the mousemat and mug shelves of Snappy Snaps, is it?

But, come on, let's treat Mickey Gocool like he's an expert - you say there's a ghost vampire on the street, do you?

The house is near Highgate Cemetery, North London, where the vampire was first spotted.

So the 'vampire shock' for George Michael is that there's a claim that a cemetery a short distance away might have a ghost vampire in it.

I can't believe Gordon Smart is breaking such shattering news to him this way. Imagine the trauma that Michael will be going through this morning.

But there's more:

Another alleged ghost is a 17th century woman who murdered 50 kids.

You'll spot the canny use of the word "alleged" there - as we know, Gordon Smart promised Leveson that he diligently fact-checks every word that appears on his pages. The cagey "alleged" suggests that Smart couldn't quite get proof that this ghost actually exists.

Perhaps in the old days he might have made up a quote from a pal of the ghost - "A source said 'she will wake George Michael up before he goes woooooooooooooooooooh'" - but those days are past.

Almost like a proper journalist, Gordon carefully makes clear that there's no proof at all that the made-up bollocks actually exists.

Coming tomorrow: Tulisa plans trip to Austria. Quite near where Dracula comes from.

Gordon in the morning: Eliza Doshizzle

Not much going on in Bizarre this morning, so Gordon falls back on some Twilight stuff copied and pasted from elsewhere.

Robert Pattinson 'reveals' how he learned to do the American mumbling his part doesn't actually require:

TWILIGHT heart-throb Robert Pattinson has revealed he perfected his US accent for the movie series by copying his favourite rap stars.

If his American accent is anywhere near as convincing as his brooding vampire, he'll sound exactly like Morris Minor.

Gordon in the morning: Genealogy OMGzzzz

Gordon is superhyperexcited this morning all about the RPATZ:

TWILIGHT vampire hunk ROBERT PATTINSON has a surprising blood relative - the real Dracula.

There isn't actually a 'real' Dracula, just a person who helped inspire the stories, but do carry on.

The actor is a distant nephew of blood-thirsty 15th-century Transylvanian Vlad the Impaler, who inspired the Dracula novel by Bram Stoker.

A distant nephew, you say? Really?

And in an even stranger twist,...

...Vlad The Impaler was also a rotten actor who made up for lack of talent by staring a bit and then taking his shirt off? No?

...the connecting link between Vlad and British Robert, nicknamed R-Patz...

... is being talked up in a bid to promote his new film, Young Vampires In Love?

...could be the ROYAL FAMILY.

Oh.

Genealogists say Robert, 24 - vampire Edward Cullen in the hit movies - is distant cousins with princes William and Harry on their father Prince Charles's side.

This is, of course, flim-flam of the highest degree. Given that there weren't many people around in the 1500s, and the half a millennium or so since then, everyone can probably claim a distant kinship with most of the people who were around at the time. And most people could, if pushed, go far enough back and then come forward in a way which - shock - would reveal that we're related to the Royals. Even Prince Harry could probably find some sort of blood link with Prince Charles if he looked hard enough.

Amazingly, Twilight author STEPHENIE MEYER is also a distant cousin to the British princes, meaning she shares a link to Vlad.

It's not "amazing". It's barely interesting, but it's not amazing. Stop being easily amazed.

Peter Murphy becomes children's entertainer

Having Peter Murphy turn up in the Twilight movies is akin to getting Tony Benn in to sit in on your school council. Sure, he can do the job, but it only points up how low-powered the surroundings are.

The press release which thinks its selling the appearance only really stresses what a lousy idea this is:

Murphy’s last film appearance was in 1983 when Bauhaus performed “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” in the opening credit sequence of Tony Scott’s vampire thriller The Hunger starring David Bowie, Catherine De Neuve and Susan Sarandon.

And now he's going to be Twilight II: Eclipse, which is adapted from the book by Stephanie Meyer, which in turn is adapted from putting Anne Rice novels in a machine that drains them of any interest.

Here's The Hunger:



And here's Twilight:

Gordon in the morning: Weller report

Not everyone at The Sun offices are busy hiding pro-Liberal Democrat poll results or clomping around London like they're The Mitchell brothers. It's business as normal over at Bizarre:

TWILIGHT star ROBERT PATTINSON is tormented about whether acting is really for him.

Well, chicken, why don't try doing some acting some time to find out?

Meanwhile, Gordon's been out to see Paul Weller and Noel Gallagher playing together - or Two Grumps, One Amp. Naturally, Gordon loved it - if Serge had been there, it would have been like a dream he once had - and reports back how thrilling it all was:

Then OASIS axe man Noel pitched up and the pair performed the Gallagher-penned Mucky Fingers as well as Weller's own Echoes Round The Sun.

What would the negotiations backstage have been like to arrive at that choice of songs?

-Should I do one off of the albums people liked, Paul?
-No. This is about me. You'll have to do one of the flabby late-period tracks
-But there's so many to choose from...
-How about that one with the ridiculous Stones rip-off name?
-I've never recorded Demerara Sugar
-No, no, the other one...

Gordon in the morning: Robbie Williams stays at home

Robbie Williams is - according to Gordon - being pushed to go out on tour:

ROBBIE WILLIAMS is locking horns with management about touring at the end of the year.

The pop superstar is still not sure if he wants to go on the road, but bosses have already begun finalising plans.

Smart spends time wandering through the question of should Robbie tour, even going down to writing a list of pros and cons:

The pros: the buzz of being on the road, millions of fans screaming your name, plus mountains of cash.

The cons: stage fright, the stress of being on the road, missing the dogs and LA lifestyle and putting on hold DVD nights with the cracking missus.

Smart is so quick to get to this bit that he manages to miss the twin stories.

The first being that Williams' stage fright might be amplified by the fear that he'd be playing to half-empty rooms: sales of the last album have been a little up on Rudebox, but still well adrift of what he'd once have expected; even with the heft of Sport Relief behind it, Morning Sun stalled outside the Top 40. Why would you rush to tour when there's a chance even a half-empty room would empty out long before the tubes stop running?

The bigger story, of course, is who these 'bosses' are who are - if Smart is to be believed - pushing Williams into touring against his worries for his mental health. As you'll recall, Williams signed a 360 deal with EMI back in 2002. Reality Killed The Radio Star is the last album under that deal, and - presumably - the last time EMI can expect to get a portion of Robbie's ticket sales. No wonder they're keen to have him out on the road, bringing in much-needed cash, regardless of how sensible it would be for him to do so.

Elsewhere, Robert Pattinson, out of The Buffy Babies, manages to pull off being both offensive and self-important:

The actor, dubbed R-Patz by fans, had his eyebrows plucked and has been plastered in make-up.

He said: "You get to the point where you think, 'OK, I look like a transvestite now'."

No you don't, sweetheart. You look like a thirty year-old trying to pass themselves off as a High Schooler, who has confused the words 'smoulder' with 'squint'.

Isn't there something we can do to stop this sort of thing happening?

Robert Pattinson, out of The Lil' Lestats, is planning a pop record. But he's not rushing into it:

I don't want to release an album which has a sticker on it saying, 'By the vampire of 'Twilight',' on it.

If most bright-eyed actors who stick out records are anything to go by, you'd be better off worrying about the sticker saying "Reduced: 49p".

Gordon in the morning: She's back, back, back. Oh god.

Amy Winehouse has come back home - good news for News International, who can gather infomration about her so much more cheaply now she's just a taxi drive away.

And how is she, as she gets off an international flight, Gordon?

The boozy songbird looked freckled but fragile after jetting into Gatwick airport from St Lucia.

Freckled but fragile? What does that even mean?

A source said: "At one point Amy had toyed with the idea of permanently relocating to St Lucia but that's no longer the case."

I'm presuming "toyed with idea" means "Gordon said she was going to" in this instance. But you've got to admire the quality of the information that Smart has access to - a source who can reveal that she's not staying in St Lucia just a few hours after she's got her luggage off the Gatwick carousel.

Gordon points out that it's been three years now since she last released a proper record:

Much more delay and all the focus will be on her hell-raising rather than her music. And we wouldn't want that, would we... ?

Ha ha! Imagine, eh, Gordon, if she was releasing music rather than slowly and publicly killing herself with drink and drugs. Just imagine.

Elsewhere, Ronnie Wood's former brother-in-law has done a picture which shows Wood drinking blood from a young virgin's neck. Thereby, at a stroke, making Twilight no longer the world's most juvenile vampire story.

[Paul Karslake] The painter said: "I don't hate the bloke, but I am very annoyed with him.

"Ron's a vampire, all those Rolling Stones guys are. They stay up all night and sleep all day."

Actually, that doesn't necessarily make them vampires. Sleeping all day and being active at night makes them like lorises as much as vampires.