Gordon in the morning: What I did on my holidays

Today's Bizarre resembles some sort of shoddy MySpace page, as Gordon files some blurry photos of him hanging out backstage with Noel Gallagher:

Noel Gallagher and showbiz mates have all-night tear-up at Benicassim

The fact that Smart appears in all the photos on the page makes it clear that he's seeing himself as one of those "showbiz mates".

Oh, yes. You're not, I think, meant to be reading the phrase "showbiz mates" in a Simon Bates voice - I think it's meant to be serious.

Although Gordon was clearly there, for some reason he seems to have missed any of the stories - such as they are - as he relies on a strange, anonymous source:

A source backstage said: “Noel was on top form — it was his first chance to have a night out with the Roses.

“Ian Brown was doing magic tricks for the lads, including bandmate Mani.

“Noel was going to knock Dizzee’s baseball cap off to make his point.

“It was quite a collection of hardened drinkers — Buzzcocks’ Steve Diggle is a punk legend.”

Clearly, the "source backstage" was Smart, but he must have been too embarrassed to attribute a quote about someone almost pinching someone's cap to himself.