Gordon in the morning: Or is it?

Although is face and borrowed suit is still slapped all over the place, most of the bylines on Bizarre today are for other people, which suggests that Gordon might currently be a William Hickey like character, rather than actually in the office. Or a Smallweed.

Whoever's in charge, the struggle to find an interesting new angle on the Madonna-Bloke divorce has been lost, with Emily Smith chipping in that Madonna has "dressed" Rocco in a New York Yankees top. Smith sees this as a sly dig at Guy, what with the Yankees being Alex Rodriguez's team. This does ignore that about four billion people wear Yankees stuff, many of whose mothers will never have had a dalliance with anyone who plays for the team. It also assumes that Madonna is around when the kids are being dressed.

Someone else has written a puff-piece to advertise Kylie's calendar, which goes under the headline:

Kylie's looking 2000 and fine

2000? That's a bit harsh. Late forties at the most.

Gordon in the morning: It's over - probably

The "world exclusive" end of Madonna's marriage sees the Sun scrambling no less than three journalists (I'm using that phrase in its loosest sense):

They can't bear the pretence any more

By EMMA COX,
VIRGINIA WHEELER
and GORDON SMART

There's a triumphant air of "I told you so" at the paper this morning, which rags out its coverage of the A-Rod divorce to show how far ahead of the loop it was.

Mind you, the Sun couldn't have been wrong. Because while it was running a front page about possible extra-marital dabblings with baseball stars, US editor Emily Smith was denying there were any plans:

Madonna denies Guy divorce

MADONNA has denied that she and hubby Guy Ritchie are getting divorced.

In a strongly-worded statement the singer said she and Guy have "no plans to divorce" and insisted rumours of a relationship with US baseball star Alex Rodriguez were not true.

As is traditional on these occasions, Gordon Smart is given a sidebar piece to keep him busy:

I saw their marriage cracking

Gordon shares his eyewitness account of a marriage he's been watching collapse for months:

I have spent a lot of time with Guy over the past few months and I’ve really grown to like him. He is great company, talented and a brilliant father.

The marriage falling apart is incredibly sad but I think he will be far happier now he can be his own man.

You think Gordon - so close to Guy - would have warned one of his colleagues that the marriage was in its end game, to spare The Sun the embarrassment of having run stories like this one in July:

MADONNA and GUY RITCHIE are holding a special family dinner to tell their nearest and dearest that their marriage is finally back on track.

The couple, who have just weathered the biggest storm in their seven-year marriage, will put all the madness of the past few months behind them with a “Shabbat Nachamu” – a night of consolation.

The Kablah-blah ceremony will be witnessed by two rabbis who will fly to the UK from New York, on the weekend of Madge’s 50th birthday next month.

Except, erm, that was Gordon himself reporting on the successful saving of a marriage he now claims he was watching cracking.

Perhaps Gordon was so close to Guy he couldn't bring himself to tell his readers about the tragedy he was watching.

Gordon in the morning: Suddenly, baseball players are interesting

Does Gordon believe that Madonna is going to get divorced or not? Surely, what with his position as the the Prime Minister of Showbiz, we should expect him to at least know what he believes - but one minute he's running denials of divorce, the next copying the details of the Alex Rodriguez denupitalising from the New York Post as some sort of evidence to the contrary.

It's fine if you don't have a clue, Gordon, but at least be honest about it.

Instead, we get lumbered with Smart trying to sound like he understands baseball and kabbalah:

She strongly denies an affair with A-Rod, America’s highest-paid baseball idol.

Madonna, 49, said in a statement: “I know Alex Rodriguez through Guy Oseary, who manages both of us.

“I am not romantically involved in any way with Alex Rodriguez. I have nothing to do with the state of his marriage or what spiritual path he may choose to study.”

And, to be fair to Madonna, she wasn't named in court papers - her name has been floated by one of the soon-to-be-Mrs-Rod's lawyers:

Earle Lilly, another of Cynthia’s lawyers, claimed A-Rod and Madonna “are still together” – although last night the singer was with husband GUY RITCHIE in New York.

Mr Lilly said A-Rod was smitten with Madonna, but added: “The correct analysis is a relationship.

“Some people categorise an affair as sexual infidelity. We’re not claiming that – it’s an affair of the heart.”

So Madonna not named in divorce proceedings and accused of not having sex with a man not her husband. Hold the, um... well, Bizarre page.

If trying to unpick a baseball kabbalahic divorce is tricky for Gordon, his team are also having to struggle with science, as well, with the claims that Amy Winehouse is using tanning tables to an extent that "pals" are worried. Pete Samson is left to deal with the... well, lets call it a story to be kind, shall we?:

Pals are worried because the pasty star spends more than an hour a day absorbing its rays in a desperate attempt to get back to brown

And the problem with that, Pete?

Rehab singer Amy, 24, even dozes off under the ultraviolet lamps, which release the same type of harmful radiation found in sunlight.

Let's just look at that again, shall we?

the same type of harmful radiation found in sunlight.

Yes, it's bad for you and, yes, nobody should fall asleep on a sunbed. But given her lifestyle, this risk from "the same type of harmful radiation found in sunlight" seems an odd thing to be worrying about right now. Even if it's true.