Gordon in the morning: Allen the family

It only encourages him:

PREGNANT singer LILY ALLEN beamed yesterday "It's a Sun."

The thrilled mum-to-be took to Twitter to show off my exclusive front page story that she is expecting for the first time.

Seriously. I suspect that Allen was as much rolling her eyes as welcoming The Sun's decision to splash her womb across the paper, but that doesn't seem to have bothered Gordon.

Lily posed with a copy of Britain's favourite paper and posted it up for her two million plus followers to see.

This could turn into a recursive loop, so let's hope Lily doesn't post a copy of this story, otherwise Gordon will have to report on that, which she'll have to post, and so on and so on, until we can't remember why it wasn't really any of our business in the first place.

In other stuff that we can't quite bring ourselves to call news, Robbie Williams is apparently getting married in a secret ceremony tomorrow. Not entirely sure who it's a secret from - perhaps Gordon's using the word "secret" to mean "not yet posted to Lily Allen's Twitter for her two million followers to see":

Secretive Robbie and his bride-to-be told family and close friends of the date only last week.

Perhaps he was trying to keep it out of the papers.

Unbelievably, Gordon decides this event requires him to offer an opinion:

myVIEW
By GORDON SMART
Bizarre Editor

That bit would have been the easy bit. But... what then, Gordon? What could you possibly have to say?

ROBBIE Williams has been tamed.

Really? That's it?

Do you have anything to actually say, or is this just an excuse for a bit of name-dropping?

But his best girlfriend to date is Ayda. It's no coincidence she might just happen to be the least famous of them all. I met her when I interviewed Robbie in his mum's London flat last year. She's seriously fit.

Wow. That manages to combine being shallow with being a bit creepy.

I wonder if Gordon told Ayda she was Williams' "best girlfriend to date"?

She's good for Robbie and he's finally realised it's what he needs to keep him sane. Now he really is rich beyond his wildest dreams.

Actually, that's quite a sweet little line to end on. Pity it came after a couple of hundred words of poking the future Mrs Williams like she was a prize cow - and absolutely no suggestion that Ayda is also getting married; it's almost as if marrying Robbie Williams is something that is being done at her.

Gordon in the morning: Scoring goals

Is there an exciting World Cup-meets-celebrity story for Gordon to get his teeth into this morning?

No. No, there isn't.

Instead, there's some fluffy rubbish that suggests that Ayda Field has gone into hiding to avoid the event:

ROBBIE WILLIAMS' fiancée AYDA FIELD has walked out on him because he's obsessed with the World Cup.

No, she hasn't. There follows a lot of guff about how she's moved back in with her mother because of all the football. I suspect what's happened here is that Gordon has got confused and typed out the plot of a not-very-good ITV sitcom by mistake. We've all done it, haven't we?

Gordon in the morning: Shining bright

Today, Gordon is leading off with one of those eye-catching half-arsed pieces of Photoshop:

Future vision ... How Robbie could look in The Shining

Yes, apparently Robbie Williams is going to turn into Jack Nicholson and murder his family. Hang about... Gordon, are you sure on this one?

ROBBIE WILLIAMS and girlfriend AYDA FIELD are at loggerheads over the singer’s move back to Britain.

The former TAKE THAT star has left LA behind to return to home soil in a bid to reclaim his pop crown.

No, come on: if Smart had really wanted to keep those sentences aloft by hacky cliche alone, he could have worked in "La-La Land" and "Blighty", too. But so far, it's not clear why this would turn him into a homicidal maniac. Unless, you know, it's less loggerheads, more lop-off-their-heads. Is that it, Gordon?

But the move hasn’t gone down well with American actress Ayda.

She is on the cusp of big things with her career Stateside and pals say there is no way she will move at the moment.

Isn't this closer to the plot of The Chain than The Shining, Gordon?

That would leave a lonesome Rob kicking around his vast, snow-covered Wiltshire mansion with only his new bike for company.

While it's possible that Williams might have bought a snow machine, it's probable that by the time he's here, unpacking his Project Blue Book novels, the snow will have gone.

With his eccentric antics he’ll be like JACK NICHOLSON in classic horror flick The Shining.

Let’s hope his mansion doesn’t have a maze.

Aha! So, being on your own in an empty mansion is just like being in a closed hotel with psychic staff and a family who you want to kill.

The story is nothing like The Shining at all. But it does, it must be admitted, hold an uncanny similarity to something else: a story published by the Daily Star on December 18th. Or "last year", in other words.

It's like that TV programme, Early Edition, where the bloke got the paper before anyone else. Except the complete opposite.