BAFTAs 2015: The big story

Okay, the real big story of the night was how badly Paddington got robbed. But the second biggest thing at the BAFTA last night was the painful Kasabian peformance. Even someone who can't really understand what function it is Kasabian deliver, it was hard not to feel for them.

The sound was dreadful; the mixing in of film effects and dialogue swamped their wheezy rock giving the impression of a million people watching YouTube clips while they were trying to play. The decision to end on a kid saying "that was amazing" (or awesome, or something of that nature) provided an unintended boom-tssh for a song played to a room of people sat in chairs, stock still, trying to look polite. Kudos to the director, scanning the crowd for someone, anyone, even moving their head just a little.

In a room that was both a cacophony and arctic-silent at once, Serge's decision to wear a tshirt with the words "black tie" on it didn't help. An empty gesture at once lazy and disdainful of the audience, the audience responded in kind.

Still, Stephen Fry got them a nice round of applause as he started the task of picking the thing up off the floor.

Gordon in the morning: A national outrage

Leigh Holmwood, looking after TV for the Sun, reports on a shocking show of disrespect to a national figure who, while divisive, has unquestionably won ratings:

SIMON Cowell has been snubbed by Bafta — with neither Britain’s Got Talent nor X Factor nominated for TV awards.

They were left out of the reality and constructed factual category ahead of the May 12 ceremony.

Wouldn't there have had to be some sort of reason to expect the clapped-out X Factor and the dancing dog to have been selected as the best of the year before you could consider this a "snub"?

Gordon in the morning: The Beatle Ballet

The most interesting thing about Sunday night's BAFTAs was the discovery that Paul McCartney is slowly morphing into Melvyn Bragg. And don't you wish when he did the "joke" about how music makes films better he'd have lobbed in at least a Spies Like Us if not a Give My Regards To Broad Street into the mix?

Gordon bumped into him backstage at the BAFTAs (I suspect this means Gordon was granted a thirty second yell across the floor at McCartney) in which McCartney announced his plan to join in with the latest trend and/or fashion:

He said: "I have been working on a ballet for a while. I'll be making a proper announcement in a few weeks. It's a really exciting project for me."

You can tell how deeply Gordon was embedded at the BAFTA aftershow by the way he, erm, is reduced to relying on Jonathan Ross' twitterstream to bring his readers what happened:

Wossy tweeted: "At Bafta party I told Sir Paul McCartney that since playing Beatles Rock Band as RINGO I had greater respect for him as a drummer... "

This was followed by: "... to which he replied that whenever he played, everyone beat him!"

... which was exactly the same joke that McCartney used at the launch of the game, if memory serves.

Elsewhere, Gordon struggles with Chanelle off Big Brother and her new breasts:

And now she's back in the limelight thanks to a new boob job.

Classy.

Given that she's only "in the limelight" because Gordon has written about them, it's having your bra off and wearing it to mutter about how awful it all is, surely?

That said, I'm sure plenty of lads will be more than happy to see these new shots of Chanelle.

Gordon manages to bring himself to run the pictures, which he's copied out of Zoo. Classy.

Gordon in the morning: This charming man

Now, generally, I'm not a big fan of Abi Titmuss. But does she really deserve the headline that Gordon's put on the story about Mickey Rourke's supposed attempts to spend some time with her:

Slapper smacks down grappler

Slapper? Really, Gordon? You think it's ever appropriate for a family newspaper to call someone a slapper?

We're also treated to Gordon's thinking-words on the occasion of the Grammy-BAFTA night:

THE country might be awash with economic gloom but we can take huge pride in the success of our film and music industry.

COLDPLAY, ADELE, ROBERT PLANT, DUFFY and ESTELLE proudly flew the flag for the UK, pocketing a brilliant 15 Grammys on Sunday night.

Back home our actors, directors and talented army of film makers gave Britain one of our proudest Bafta nights ever.

Best bit for me was Orange Rising winner Noel Clarke, 33, who issued a rallying call to teenagers insisting if he could make a success of himself, then anyone could follow in his footsteps.

Our music and film industries are without any question packed with Great Britons.

Apparently, you can create this editorial for yourself simply by humming the Dambusters theme into one of those headsets that change voice into text.

So, how great is the British film industry at creating stars, Gordon? Your three stories from the BAFTA aftershows are that one with Abi Titmuss and Mickey Rourke; one about Pitt and Jolie rushing off and one about Sharon Stone not being able to hail a taxi. Funny, isn't it? This great night for British stars, and yet - apart from Abi, of course - Gordon's only interested in the Americans.

Darkness at 3AM: The Grammys gone toxic

3AM elects to use its firepower on the Grammys today, although, unfortunately, nothing much had happened by 3AM UK time.

Whitney Houston said that Leona Lewis was a "baby me", which excited Lewis:

Leona squealed: "I can't believe Whitney knows who I am."

To be honest, we can't believe that Whitney still knows who Whitney Houston is these days.

The team attempt to uncover diva-ish behaviour backstage, but the best they can come up with is Beyonce asking organisers to make sure her toilet is clean.

Oddly, though, there's a piece on the Mirror site about the BAFTAs, with a byline from one of the 3AM Girls and a chum, but it's not branded as 3AM. They, too, feel that someone other than a person they like winning a prize is a snub, but at least they're more generous to Marion Cotillard, who is upgraded from "unknown" to "little-known". We're interpreting that as someone having had the good grace to check IMDB before filing the report.

Gordon in the morning: Footballer's lives

With the Grammys and the BAFTAs on the same night, what a difficult choice for the "prime minister of showbiz". Which would he grace with his presence?

Erm... neither, actually: Smart's big contribution to his own columns today is a commentary on a photograph of Alex Curran.

Mind you, the Bizarre coverage of the BAFTAs couldn't have been any worse if Gordon had written it - Keira Knightly not winning an award is turned into some sort snub:

BRIT stars KEIRA KNIGHTLEY and JULIE CHRISTIE were sensationally snubbed at the Baftas

"Sensationally" as in the use of 'failed to win a ballot of BAFTA members'

- in favour of an unknown actress

'Unknown actress' in the sense of 'actress that The Sun's entire entertainment team haven't heard of'. Marion Cotillard was in Taxi. (Note to The Sun: Besson, not DeVito.) But it's worse than she 'not been heard of by the entertainment hacks on the Sun', though:

from France

She's NOT EVEN BRITISH. Or American. How dare she steal awards from under the noses of British stars simply by being considered to have been better?

But, no, it's even worse than that:

Keira was also upstaged in the glamour stakes by Brit rival SIENNA MILLER who wore £1million worth of diamonds — and thrilled male admirers with a sexy black dress that clung to her curvy behind.

Not only was Keira SNUBBED in favour of a FRENCH WOMAN, but there were other people whose dresses clung to their arses more. What a terrible night.