Gordon in the morning: The wedding planner

Oh no, Gordon has been up all night fretting over a potential clash of wedding dates:

Brad got a wedding licence at the end of last month — which stated they must marry in 90 days.

The deadline could see the big day for the pair clash with the nuptials of Brad’s ex JENNIFER ANISTON — which would spark a bitter bun-fight over celeb guests.

oh no that would be terrible i can barely stand it oh whatever shall we all do

Hang on a moment, though: Aniston hasn't announced a wedding date; not even a "source close to the couple" has leaked one. I don't think the National Enquirer has even bothered to make up a date yet. So, presumably, Aniston could just choose a date that doesn't clash.

The element of non-existent jeopardy gets even smaller the more you read the story:

A source said: “Brad and Angelina left themselves short of time to sort out their wedding because of the licence deadline. A few months is nothing when you’re planning a wedding — especially one as major as theirs."

This assumes that they didn't start doing any planning prior to applying for the licence. Most people would work out most of the detail before heading off for the vital piece of paper, because - I don't know if you spotted this, Gordon - they're only valid for ninety days. (That's a quarter of a year, by the way .)

And given that Brad and Angelina aren't exactly on their last few quid, I suspect if they don't get married in the window currently afforded them by the licence they won't consider it too onerous to, you know, pay for another one. It's not like if you don't use the licence that's it.

Gordon in the morning: Clubbable

I wonder how Gordon Smart managed to convince himself that people are ringing on Brad Pitt's door, asking him to play golf is a true story.

A source said:[...] “Neighbours have buzzed on their intercom and asked if Brad wants to play golf at a nearby course. They have even offered to lend him clubs in case he hasn’t got any.”

What neighbourhood does this actually happen in? Outside of the 1950s?

Gordon in the morning: Fool's gold

Gordon will, of course, have fact-checked this claim to within an inch of its life:

[Brad Pitt is] getting into the spirit of living over here by planning a trip to Manchester to watch The Stone Roses

Brad has requested a bunch of tickets for their Heaton Park gigs at the end of July.

A source said: “Brad’s a big fan of the band and will be at a loose end while Angelina is filming in the UK. He’s asked for four tickets and thinks it will be the ideal way to spend a June weekend.”

I'm going to accept that Angelina is filming in the UK. But the rest of it? I suppose there's a possibility that Pitt might show up in the backstage area, but I struggle to believe that he owns a copy of The Second Coming.

Gordon in the morning: Even he doesn't believe this one

Even working for News International, there must be times when Gordon Smart pauses and thinks "this made-up bollocks is beneath the standards of our organisation". Today must have been one of those days:

EVER since Brad Pitt starred in Snatch as gypsy slugger Mickey O'Neil, smashing up Gorgeous George, he has had a soft spot for the traveller community.

So much so, he now wants to make a movie about Big Fat Gypsy Weddings tough-nut Paddy Doherty.

Smart must know that absolutely everyone who reads this will think "Brad Pitt is never going to make a film about Paddy Doherty. Ever." Perhaps Google has created a filter that will flag up a story without any actual truth in it, and Gordon wanted to see what how it works.

Gamely, though, he even has a crack at casting:

After Brad's turn in Guy Ritchie film Snatch in 2000, he would be perfect as Paddy.

Mickey Rourke or Sly Stallone could convince too. Or for a cheaper option, Brad could call Wolf from Gladiators.

Or why not Mike Tyson? He'd be about as convincing as this story is.

Gordon in the morning: Could you make it out to my Mum? She's called Gordon, too...

Well, here's a photo sent to us by young Gordon of Wapping, who bumped into Brad Pitt while going out to see a film. "He was very nice" says Gordon, "and signed a magazine and a shoe and everything."

Actually, the real article is even more toe-curling, with Smart uncertain if he's trying to play it down or go OHMYGODIMETBRADPITT:

In fact, if ever I get round to penning my showbiz memoirs, Monday night almost surpasses the time I supped Kia-Ora with GEORGE SAMPSON in Bizarre HQ.

Thanks to director MATTHEW VAUGHN I was part of a star-studded, intimate afterparty celebrating his cracking new film KICK-ASS in London's Notting Hill.

Personally, I can't quite get past the idea that the man in charge of the showbiz pages of the UK's largest-selling newspaper chooses to run photos that make him look like someone in that awful NME column who got their mate to take a snap of them with Loz out of Kingmaker on a cameraphone.

Gordon in the morning: This charming man

Now, generally, I'm not a big fan of Abi Titmuss. But does she really deserve the headline that Gordon's put on the story about Mickey Rourke's supposed attempts to spend some time with her:

Slapper smacks down grappler

Slapper? Really, Gordon? You think it's ever appropriate for a family newspaper to call someone a slapper?

We're also treated to Gordon's thinking-words on the occasion of the Grammy-BAFTA night:

THE country might be awash with economic gloom but we can take huge pride in the success of our film and music industry.

COLDPLAY, ADELE, ROBERT PLANT, DUFFY and ESTELLE proudly flew the flag for the UK, pocketing a brilliant 15 Grammys on Sunday night.

Back home our actors, directors and talented army of film makers gave Britain one of our proudest Bafta nights ever.

Best bit for me was Orange Rising winner Noel Clarke, 33, who issued a rallying call to teenagers insisting if he could make a success of himself, then anyone could follow in his footsteps.

Our music and film industries are without any question packed with Great Britons.

Apparently, you can create this editorial for yourself simply by humming the Dambusters theme into one of those headsets that change voice into text.

So, how great is the British film industry at creating stars, Gordon? Your three stories from the BAFTA aftershows are that one with Abi Titmuss and Mickey Rourke; one about Pitt and Jolie rushing off and one about Sharon Stone not being able to hail a taxi. Funny, isn't it? This great night for British stars, and yet - apart from Abi, of course - Gordon's only interested in the Americans.

Geri Halliwell: Auteur

You know what the movie world needs? How about Geri Halliwell: Producer?

She's keen to bring her unlovable children's books to the screen and has set her sights high for casting:

“I have not met Brad Pitt so realistically he’s unlikely to take part but I am desperate to get the gorgeous George on board.

“I’ve got an actor character called Bradley Litt and a Dr. Clooney who delivers Ugenia’s baby sister in a store called Garrods. Hmm, I wonder who and what these could be based on?!”

Goodness... now you mention it, Geri... I'd not spotted the deftly disguised characters and places in your book, until you pointed them out. Doctor Clooney - of course! And Garrods - clearly, that must be the Army and Navy store, right?

But there's more:

“Crazy Trevor, Ugenia’s friend in the series, reminds me a lot of Wayne Rooney in both looks and personality.

“I am really hopeful he will agree to voice the part. I get the impression he’d be up for doing it just for fun.”

Yes. For fun. You take care of the money-making; everyone else will be in it for fun.

Geri added: “George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Wayne Rooney – how’s that for an A-list line-up?!”

Except none of them have agreed, have they? You might as well invite Fred Astaire to play a character called Fed Astare and stick his name on the proposal for all the basing in reality your plans have. Or, better yet, just put the idea back in the drawer, close the drawer, and set fire to the desk.

[Thanks to Michael M]

Rav chides Martin

Now, we're not over-fond of Chris Martin here, but we're tending to support him in the face of his ticking-off from Rav Singh.

Supposedly, Martin got angry when photographers kept asking him how it felt to be with Brad Pitt's ex and had a bit of a pop at them. Rav tuts:

Chris, you must stop snapping at the snappers.

Even when they're deliberately being rude in a bid to get a snap of him snapping, Rav? Isn't your wagging finger aimed in the wrong direction?

Still, it's news to us. Who knew Chris Martin was involved with Jennifer Aniston?

Diversion: George Clooney on his knees

We don't normally bother with non-music-related people who get caught in Victoria Newton's net, but we're going to make an exception for the George Clooney's hands and knees story. This is running under Newton's Bizarre branding, but is credited to Gary O'Shea.

The nub of the story is that, while doing the Chinese Theatre wet-cement ceremony with Brad Pitt, Matt Damon and Jerry Weintraub, George essayed a rather weak joke:

“If I had to be on my hands and knees with three other guys, I can’t think of three better guys to do it with, and I mean that in the best possible way.”

Mr O'Shea seizes on this throwaway line:

BACHELOR GEORGE CLOONEY had fans bent double with laughter — with a joke about sexuality.

"Bent", do you see? Bachelor, do you see?

Because he made a vaguely gay gag, Mr O'Shea feels he has to ask, like an appalled bruiser in a bar: Does this mean he's gay or what?

No, he really does ask:

He divorced actress TALIA BALSAM in 1993 and wooed beauties including LISA SNOWDON and RENEE ZELLWEGER.

But he admitted recently he had “failed miserably” with women. So does he prefer men? Here we look at some jokey Cloos . . .

Yes, there's a sidebar of "Cloos". Seriously:

For ...

GEORGE wore TIGHTS as the Caped Crusader in Batman and Robin.

He provided the voice of a GAY dog in cult cartoon South Park and played a TRANSVESTITE in 1993 movie The Harvest.

He owned a 300lb MALE Vietnamese black bristled, potbellied pig named Max.

and against

WHEN asked if he would consider moving into politics, he confessed: “Run for office? No. I’ve slept with too many women, I’ve done too many drugs, and I’ve been to too many parties.”

He was married (though just once!) and dated movie beauties and models.

Let's leave aside for now Mr. O'Shea's apparent inability to tell the difference between transvestism and homosexuality, and the even more surprising inability to tell the difference between acting and real life. Let's not even wonder if Mr. O'Shea has ever heard of bisexuality, and just focus on the suggestion - "jokey" or otherwise - that owning a male pet somehow might mean you're gay. The Sun and other tabloids have spent decades subtly trying to suggest that homosexuality was in some way connected with paedophilia; this is the first time I can remember a British newspaper trying to suggest that 'gay' and 'bestial' are pretty much the same thing.

Levine the dream

The problem with the identification of the Pink Pound, and the corporate need to try and "target the gay market" is that you wind up with awkward situations like Adam Levine of Maroon Five doing interviews with The Advocate trying to get in touch with the band's gay audience:

"There are beautiful men out there. Antonio Banderas is gorgeous. Well, maybe not so much anymore. He peaked around 'Desperado'.

"I mean, every male secretly wants to have sex with Brad Pitt, but that's a given."

"Men have a certain camaraderie with each other that's easygoing and kind of simple, when you think about it. Sometimes men and women clash mentally."

God, it's like that bit in A Very Peculiar Practice where Peter Davison's trying to cope with talking to a lesbian, isn't it?

Levine concludes by revealing that blokes don't queue up to have sex with him:

"Not Hey, you wanna make out?' It doesn't happen to me. I don't know why."

Because going up and saying "lets make out" is how every bloke who finds men attractive goes about things, isn't it? Apart, of course, from the ones who just fling you to the ground and start to hump you.

We would love to see the look on Levine's face if Brad Pitt did turn up with a ball gag, a cheeky wink and a pass from Angelina Jolie.