Gordon in the morning: The wedding planner

Oh no, Gordon has been up all night fretting over a potential clash of wedding dates:

Brad got a wedding licence at the end of last month — which stated they must marry in 90 days.

The deadline could see the big day for the pair clash with the nuptials of Brad’s ex JENNIFER ANISTON — which would spark a bitter bun-fight over celeb guests.

oh no that would be terrible i can barely stand it oh whatever shall we all do

Hang on a moment, though: Aniston hasn't announced a wedding date; not even a "source close to the couple" has leaked one. I don't think the National Enquirer has even bothered to make up a date yet. So, presumably, Aniston could just choose a date that doesn't clash.

The element of non-existent jeopardy gets even smaller the more you read the story:

A source said: “Brad and Angelina left themselves short of time to sort out their wedding because of the licence deadline. A few months is nothing when you’re planning a wedding — especially one as major as theirs."

This assumes that they didn't start doing any planning prior to applying for the licence. Most people would work out most of the detail before heading off for the vital piece of paper, because - I don't know if you spotted this, Gordon - they're only valid for ninety days. (That's a quarter of a year, by the way .)

And given that Brad and Angelina aren't exactly on their last few quid, I suspect if they don't get married in the window currently afforded them by the licence they won't consider it too onerous to, you know, pay for another one. It's not like if you don't use the licence that's it.

Miley Cyrus has heroes

Naturally, growing up in the home paid for by the royalties from Achy Breaky Heart, Miley Cyrus has never wanted for a hero to look up to. Her dad taught her that any old toot can pay for having the taps goldplated.

But a young woman needs more. Luckily, though, Miley has other role models:

"I'm a huge Jennifer Aniston fan and a huge Angelina Jolie fan," Cyrus said.

And what is it that appeal about Aniston, then? She has managed to parlay a limited talent and some hair into a multimillion dollar career, so perhaps that's it?

"Jennifer Aniston can put on a plain black dress with plain makeup and hair and look so stunning.

Um... yes. Being able to wear a dress. Well, that's a talent, I suppose.

But Jolie, then? She has, at least, shared her views on matters of global importance - perhaps you draw strength from Angelina's demonstration that celebrity can strive to be more than shallow, even if with limited success?

Angelina always looks so comfortable in her own skin. She's also changed, going from wild child to being a mom and having a normal life.

Angelina Jolie's normal life. Yes... yes, I can see how that normal, everyday, turning up at Davos economic fora life she's made for herself might appeal.

But hang on a moment, because Cyrus has remembered there's something else inspiring about Jennifer Aniston. And it's not being able to walk in heels:

And Jennifer Aniston bounced back after her divorce. If anything like that ever happens to me, I'm like, 'Pull a Jennifer, Miley!' She is so classy."

Mmm. Uncomfortably naked except for a tie on the cover of GQ classy.

The mind can only attempt warm-up leaps trying to speculate exactly what Miley has had happened to her that has been on a par with a very public divorce; much less how many events of this sort must have occurred for her to have generated a catchphrase for those happenings.

Gordon in the morning: Is Jackson giving an exclusive to the Mirror or something?

After a couple of weeks patting Michael Jackson on the head and treating him he like he was still the 1983 version of Michael Jackson, there's something of a surprising change of tone in Bizarre this morning. The news that Jackson has (supposedly) invited the cast of Harry Potter backstage gets a headline treatment:

Harry Potter And The Moonwalking Oddball

And, all of a sudden, Gordon's remembered that Jackson isn't the King Of Pop, but That Bloke Who Is Overfond Of Kiddies:

MICHAEL JACKSON has invited the young stars of the Harry Potter films to be access all areas guests at the opening night of his sellout summer shows.

Aren’t they a bit old for him?
[...]
But the three stars — who play Harry, Hermione and Ron — can leave their Nimbus 2000s at Hogwarts for a night on the Jesus Juice with Pop King Jacko.

They won’t even need to take Hagrid along to keep an eye on them now that they are all over 18.
[...]
He has always had an eye for a young acting star.

Nudge, nudge.

Not that Gordon is quite ready to march on the Millennium Dome with burning torches:

I’m still in two minds about Jacko’s return.

My gran — at 82-years-young — is more nimble than he is, although her moonwalk needs some work.

If he is fit enough to perform then the gigs will be the most memorable the O2 has seen since LED ZEPPELIN reformed for a one-off special last year.

But if I had a ticket for any night after the tenth date I’d have a letter ready asking for a refund... just in case.

Oh no... did he just say "82 years young"? Like he's a heartwarming amateur columnist on a local freesheet, or the morning host on a Gold station?

Gordon has got some bang-up-to-the-minute news, though, with his first sort-of Twitter story:

SCREEN beauty JENNIFER ANISTON dumped her boyfriend because he couldn’t keep his hands off Twitter, her pals revealed last night.

Rocker JOHN MAYER said he was too busy to return calls while Jennifer was away promoting her new film.

But Friends star Jen spotted he was updating his page of the networking site instead.

Although since Twittering is one of the ways artists help nurture their fanbase, isn't that like Mayer dropping Aniston for spending too much time acting?

Still, at least there's no danger of anyone dumping Goagsieman for over-enthusiastic updating of his Twitter stream.

Gordon in the morning: At least he's excited

Some people reckon that MTV has lost the touch of connecting with what should be its core audience. Not Gordon, though - he's thrilled with the VMA plans:

BRITNEY SPEARS will share a stage with her old pop rival CHRISTINA AGUILERA at Sunday’s MTV Video Music Awards.

The pair battled for chart supremacy at the height of their fame, then fought over MADONNA’s tongue at the 2003 MTV bash.

But now Britney is to take on Christina again by fighting to steal the show in Los Angeles.

You've got to hand it to Gordon - he really is a maverick. The rest of the world might be going "isn't this a representation of pop music from ten years ago?", but Gordon is up on his feet, applauding as well as you can with one hand:

Maybe they could take inspiration from their 2003 show and kiss and make up on stage. Literally.

The News International porn filter must be locked down tightly if Gordon is resorting to that sort of fantasy.

Gordon also finds space for a piece by Rebecca Ley that is little more than a exercise in stone-throwing. Even before you get to the article, the rocks are flying:

Why is Aniston still single at 40?

Yeah - what is she, some kind of freak? Hang about, I've got some tar and feathers somewhere round here. She's plainly some kind of witch or something. If we don't run her out of town, our crops will fail.

WITH glossy hair and slim figure, JENNIFER ANISTON looks as hot as ever as she films a cameo for a US telly comedy.

In it she plays a Fatal Attraction-style stalker and, as our picture shows, her manic role involves her looking pained in what is a sad reflection of the turmoil in her own private life.

Ever the professional, though, Aniston manages to look hot while looking pained. It's like someone having an arm caught in a threshing machine while wearing a bikini.

Today, with her Friends character Rachel Green a distant memory, Jen is swallowing her professional pride to bring to life the role of a stalker in 30 Rock.

Rachel Green from... what... Friends? Was that the one with Richard Briers where they kept goats in Audrey Fforbe-Hamilton's old holiday camp? I have a vague memory of the programme... oh, yes, it's the one that's on TV every fifteen minutes, isn't it?

Rebecca, honey: it's likely that Aniston isn't "swallowing her pride" playing a stalker - it's what's known as "playing against type". 30 Rock is one of the biggest comedy shows in America, accepting a cameo in it isn't a shameful begging for work like going bottom right on Hollywood Squares. And being single at 40 isn't, really, that unusual, is it? Especially as she's only been out of her relationship with John Mayer for about two minutes.

Gordon in the morning: Madonna gets all sweary

Bizarre this morning is leading with Madonna's One Big Weekend performance. You might think Gordon is in charge when you read the opening paragraph:

BUSTY MADONNA causes a sensation as she almost pops out of her top

but, no: this excitement at almost seeing a nipple is the work of Sara Nathan, the paper's TV editor. But here main order of business is Madonna swearing. Twice:

The singer used the f-word twice during the Radio 1 Big Weekend gig live on BBC3, BBC HD and Radio 1.

On BBC 3 and BBC HD and Radio 1. As if it was being simulcast?

Holding an S&M-style cane, she introduced her song Hung Up to fans at the concert in Maidstone, Kent, saying: “You guys are going to have to start fucking it up out there ’cos I need to feel some love. I’m going to do an old song. But not too old. Fuck the present. Let’s live in the past.”

Now, most people would think the confused 'not too old - let's live in the past' time paradox was the closest thing to something interesting here, but for the Bizarre column, it's outrage at the f-word:

The BBC was rapped when Madonna, 49, swore at the Live Earth gig last year.

Now, if you or I were the "TV editor" of a national newspaper, we might - at the very least - have added the words "and many others" to that sentence, what with how it was the repeated swearing which earned the BBC censure, not because of Madonna alone. And you might feel obliged to point out the difference between a high-profile, teatime appearance by Chris Rock throwing round "motherfuckers" on BBC One, and a post-watershed, properly-warned appearance on BBC Three. But maybe not.

It's hard to take seriously a column on a "family newspaper's" website which now regularly runs photos of women with their tits out masquerading as entertainment journalism being a crusader for a less crude nation. Especially in an article also rubbing itself because Madonna had bouncy breasts.

Gordon, while this is going on, continues to develop his stalkery obsession with Jennifer Aniston. We don't know if he runs every single snap of Aniston that comes across his desk:

ASK any bloke to say which bikini-clad bird he’d most like to join him for a swim and the odds are JENNIFER ANISTON’s name is going to crop up in the top three.

... but it's starting to look like it. Wonder why Gordon is so enamored of a woman whose main success was playing a character who had an unlikely relationship with a slightly awkward, odd-looking bloke who had a teenager's dream job.

Oh, and, yes: He really does run a little cropped-out photo of just Aniston's breasts. So you can see the shape of her nipples. Is it just me, or does anyone else feel their skin crawl?

Elsewhere, Gordon straight-facedly (very, very straight-faced) uses the word "lez":

Hayden 'lez lust' for Angelina

It turns out that Smart thinks this is an acceptable word to describe lesbianism. But does Hayden Panettiere really have lesbian passion for Angelina Jolie, Gordon?

TELLY Heroes beauty HAYDEN PANETTIERE has claimed she would happily bed Angelina Jolie.

Has she really said that, Gordon?

The 18-year-old — who plays indestructible Claire Bennet in the BBC2 sci-fi hit — has been dogged by rumours she is a lesbian.

She said: “That’s fine with me. If I’m going to be linked with someone, I could do an affair with ANGELINA JOLIE, JESSICA ALBA or CHARLIZE THERON.

“And KATE BECKINSALE is gorgeous. There are so many beautiful girls.”

We've given up on expecting Smart to be able to write properly, but surely a basic grasp of English comprehension should still be required before being put in charge of a newspaper column? Clearly, Hayden is saying that if there are going to be lesbian rumours, at least make them with someone top-drawer, not that she has "lez lust" for anyone. Since Smart would never deliberately mislead his readers, we have to assume he's just unable to understand a joke, don't we?

Gordon in the morning: Jennifer Aniston breasts shocker

In a picture special, Gordon reveals a shock for all of us: Jennifer Aniston has nipples. You can even see them if you squint a bit. Obviously, not the actual nipples - it's not like she's topless or anything - but the vague outline of them under a top.

Yes, Gordon has resurrected his "Smarties league", which, erm, is somehow trying to quantify having nipples and turning it into a competition. As if, somehow, pointing at a woman because her nipples are slightly erect in a photo becomes slightly less the work of a prepubescent mind if you make a list while you do it.

One of the bigger boys told Gordon a secret about what ladies have down there during morning break yesterday; it can only be a matter of time before he organises some sort of Fuzzy Lady Garden knockout cup.

Meanwhile, Smart hears news that Adele and her boyfriend have split, as teenagers often do. Gordon's upset:

I was chuffed when the teen songstress finally found a fella [...]
now the larger-than-life singer has been DUMPED for a stick-thin model

Yes, Gordon's tears are little more than a chance to trot out some 'Adele's fat' references, while having a pop at people with funny names:

Bassist Slinky — who I would love to see introduce himself with a straight face — is now dating the equally crazily named Burberry model MORWENNA LYTTON- COBBOLD.

We've been looking at Morwenna's name, trying to work out exactly what is so "crazy" about it. It can't be Morwenna, which while not common isn't exactly unusual, and the surname isn't of the Spacemonster-Spaghettihat sort of made-up silliness. Could Gordon have been thrown by the idea of a hyphenated name? I'm picturing him sitting in the office yelling "look, guys, this girl's got a minus sign in her name..."

Gordon in the morning: Some things hurt more, much more than cars and girls

Lewis Hamilton and Dannii Minogue are having a secret date. It's on May 25th, in Monaco.

Admittedly, that's not very secret, is it?

It's also not very much of a story - despite a hopeful headline:

Get a vroom will you Lewis!

... the pair are still almost two months away from their first date, never mind touching. So there's a surprising amount of padding. We discover that Dannii "knows a lot" about cars - although there's no mention of how much Hamilton might know about second-string sibling pop. Of course, Dannii has breasts, which is always good for a line or two:

Nice to see she’s playing her cards close to her ample chest.

And, of course, Gordon needs to share his forecast for this relationship:

Lewis clearly knows his way around shiny bodywork and Dannii is in pole position. I reckon this pair could burn some serious rubber together.

Yes, they might screw each other, Gordon. Thanks for your insight.

But if 'couple arrange tentative date' is the big news, what does that imply about the rest of Gordon's work this morning?

Sexy stars and their lucky dogs

Yes, Gordon spends some time looking at photos of people with their dogs and tries to introduce a slightly disturbing sex angle:

IF I get reincarnated, I want to come back as a dog - they grab the attention of some of the world's sexiest stars.
[...]
So I'm praying it's a dog's life for me next time round.

But, Gordon, you know it's not like Jennifer Aniston has sex with her dog, or that Rhianna's dog doesn't think "waa-heeey" - because it's a different species. You do know that, don't you?

RIHANNA's lucky hound looks hot under the collar after being held tight by the singer when she stepped out in Hollywood.

Apparently not. The thing is, the dog in the photo doesn't even look like it's anything other than slightly scared, never mind "hot under the colour".

Gordon in the morning: He has views, too

So, what does Gordon have to say about Amy?

Gordon's viewpoint seems to be some sort of moral outrage:

With her talent comes responsibility, a quality she is sadly lacking.

She has a duty as a role model to thousands of impressionable kids who copy her look and attitude.

Since when did talent come with a responsibility? Outside of kung-fu movies?

Surely, though, Gordon won't wind up with a weak pun, will he?

Sadly these days she is more interested in grams than Grammys.

Oh.

The real question, though, is why Gordon Smart, Showbiz editor, is being wheeled in to offer a viewpoint on, erm, the big showbiz story from the day before. It must smart - no pun intended - somewhat for your paper to call up Jane Moore and a bloody former crack addict to solicit their views before you get a go.

Perhaps it's because Gordon doesn't really have anything to add beyond a "I met her in 2004 and she wasn't an addled crack-addict then" anecdote.

Happily, he's quickly back on safer ground elsewhere on his page: someone's dropped off a photo of Jennifer Aniston where you can make out her nipple if you stare at her tits long enough.