Preston and Chantelle: the end

The divorce of Preston and Chantelle, ending a kind-of-romance that bloomed on Celebrity Big Brother, has been ended.

Chantelle divorced Preston on grounds of Preston's "unreasonable behaviour", which - from press interviews she's recently given - seems to have consisted of reading the odd book and having conversations about politics. Why isn't someone building a refuge to save partners from this sort of intolerable behaviour?

Another heartbreaking story of celebrity loss

The uncoupling of Chantelle and Preston is proving tricksy, as Preston is now demanding his share of the kiss-and-tell cash:

A source close to her said: "Preston claims that without him and their marriage she wouldn't have had anything to talk about it.

"But she thinks that's ridiculous and he is being completely unreasonable. She can't believe how bitter he is being and is furious. Their marriage was miserable - now the divorce is going to be just as bad."

We reckon this story in the People will be worth another fifty quid to Preston's claims, then.

Hang on, though, Chantelle has found something to talk about that's nothing to do with Preston. Her breasts:

Before the op Celebrity Big Brother winner Chantelle, a natural 32B, said: "I'd love to be a cup...

That's what the People says - Chantelle wants to be a cup. Rather than a mug, we suppose. Still, at least her breasts give her something to talk about other than Pre... oh

"... Preston didn't want me to get them done. He said that fake boobs were grotesque but now I can do what I want."

Apparently, even her breasts are controlled by her relationship with Preston.

Still, she does have a life beyond him:

After splitting with Preston, whose biggest hit was Boys Will Be Boys, Chantelle dated Chris Neal who dumped Big Bruv madam Nikki Grahame for her.

But Chris, 26, a pal of Jade Goody's ex Jack Tweed, is now out of the picture.

Does everybody she know have some sort of Big Brother connection? Have these people actually been put on an island away from everyone else?

Chantelle "forgot" she wasn't the marrying kind

Chantelle off of Big Brother - who, surely with divorce must be nearing the end of her celebrity life cycle - has been explaining to the Daily Mail that she got confused when she married Preston:

"I don't know why I did it now. I just got caught up in the whole thing. He asked me to marry him and I went: 'Yes!' I'd forgotten that I didn't ever want to get married. I didn't want to have children. Now I've reminded myself of that again. I can be a bit indecisive, me."

The tragedy, of course, is that the whole wrong marriage could have been avoided had Chantelle put a post-it on the fridge with a reminder that she didn't want to get married; next to the one about needing more milk and not forgetting her mum's birthday.

Chantelle worries that people might think she's not very bright:

"Do you think I'm stupid?" she asks. "Maybe I am, but I don't think I am. I just don't see why you need to know what capital goes with what country. Why would you need to know that?

"Or politics. Boring. Who cares? Does it make me stupid if I don't want to have opinions about that? Does it?"

Um, yes, actually, Chantelle, and also dangerously disassociated from the realities of the world.

The Mail is equally worried:

Who knows? Who cares? Well, quite a lot of people actually. Thanks to our celebrity-obsessed age, everything Chantelle does, says and thinks is documented, and served up for our entertainment.

The Mail's fretting over this celebrity obsession might have been a little more convincing had it not come in the middle of a full-length interview with Houghton, of course.

Oh my god: Whoever could have seen this coming?

Chantelle - off the last CBB that wasn't embroiled in a racist bullying scandal - has been opening her heart to the News of the World about her marriage to Preston out the Ordinary Boys:

We were like from two different planets.

"He loved politics and wanted to talk about it. But I know nothing about politics, it doesn't interest me at all.

"I wanted to watch Hollyoaks on telly but he preferred a serious documentary. I'd go and buy Victoria Beckham's autobiography and he'd buy an educational book.

"I'd fancy buying a BMW and he'd want an old Jag. He loved Brighton and had all his friends there. I hated it and had all my family and friends in Essex. I loved trendy champagne bars in London. He loved ordinary local pubs.

It's like Paula Abdul and MC Skat Cat all over again. If only someone - like, you know, the entire veiwing public - had spotted that they were completely incompatible from the very start and attempted to warn them, or something.

It does make you wonder, though, what made them even think getting married - and so swiftly - was going to work in the first place? Could it have been, oooh, enormous cheques from the gossip magazines?

Still, they tried:

I'd dyed my hair brown because I thought it would make me appear more classy and intelligent. But it completely changed my personality. We'd both become a bit boring.

If only she'd gone with the "trying wearing glasses" attempt at intelligence instead of the "going chestnut" approach - she could have taken them off to turn her personality back swiftly.

Still, it's not ending bitterly:

"I certainly earned more than Preston during our marriage.

"But it's going to be an amicable divorce and we'll split everything 50-50."

Amicable. That's lovely - and the best way to ensure the split is amicable is by telling the News of the World that your soon-to-be-ex-husband is a weak, boring, under-earning, boozing, inattentive bloke who made you so unhappy you developed bulimia.

Stunted publicity?

The happy news that Chantelle and Preston are down in Brighton, shopping with their stupid little rat-dogs under their arms is tempered somewhat by the unsettling suspicion that surely they haven't used a divorce as a publicity tool?

This sort of behaviour will require Iain Duncan-Smith to produce tax-breaks plans so that people will take divorce seriously in future.

Not all married couple discuss percentages in bed

Chantelle Outtheordinaryboys, who was briefly married to Preston Outtheordinaryboys after they met on Family Fortunes, has denied that the whole thing was a publicity stunt:

"I did things in bed with Preston that you wouldn't do with someone if it was a publicity stunt."

It's not known if this includes just specific things - you know, fisting or whatever - or if she means that you'd have to be really, really committed to something to have sex with Preston at all.

Oh My God! The marriage is over

Can it really be true? Can Preston and Chantelle, off of Big Brother, really be splitting up?

We understand that she started to read him extracts from her book, and he just got up and walked out.

"Some people might recognise me..."

Oh, this is hilarious - Ziggy, the man they're throwing into the Big Brother house, used to be in Northern Lights. And he actually thinks there might be people watching going "oh, of course..."

We wonder if they're going to bring in all of Two Thirds at some point?

Of course, this could actually be a very cunning play on what they did on the last Celebrity Big Brother but one, where Chantelle was pretending to a person from a band nobody had ever heard from as well.