Gordon in the morning: My baby got the yips

Yes, since you ask, that would be Gordon Smart, stood clutching a golf club, stood alongside Vernon Kaye (TV's Les Dennis), Harry Judd (from mother and daughter country duo The Judds) and Danny Jones (one quarter of The Monkees).

Or, if the caption is to be believed, it's a:

Tee-mendous line-up ... Vernon Kay, Biz Ed Gordon Smart, Harry Judd and Danny Jones

And, you'll have noticed, they're holding golf clubs. That's why the caption says that tee thing.

This, it seems, was a golf event promoting something or other, and Gordon seems to think that we'll be interested in every moment of his corporate jolly with the sort of celebrity that even he would bump from the lead story if something about Beyonce Knowles came in.

Actually, given that Vernon Kaye was there, it's the sort of celebrity who would be bumped if a story about Solange Knowles came in.

Actually, one of the "celebrity" players was Chris Riley, who is a mate of The Enemy. This bunch would be bumped if a story about Nick Knowles came in.

Even Gordon knows that the event lacks a little glamour, but does his best to try and suggest that this isn't like a team bonding day for the Office Of Fading Stardom:

The competition was fierce at The Grove hotel in Hertfordshire - where the England footie team stay before home international matches.

When you're relying on the idea of Peter Crouch carrying an overnight bag to add glamour to your piece, you're in trouble.

But Gordon's smart, and knows that pro-celebrity (or rather no-celebrity) golf has an air clinging to it:

Forget JIMMY TARBUCK, BRUCE FORSYTH and RUSS ABBOTT - I'm joyriding their celeb golf buggy now.

Yeah, forget the time when celebs playing golf was all about the sort of people who spent their days presenting ITV game shows. Now, it's all about Vernon Kaye.

Oh, hang on.

Perhaps we could inject a little sex into the proceedings, Gordon?

The longest drive of the day belonged to Jamie. Or as he said: "I am a few inches bigger than you, Smarty."

That's not actually a double entendre, is it? In fact, Redkanpp might very well have been actually comparing his cock with Gordon's, as describing a distance as "bigger" makes no sense. Or maybe Jamie said "longer", and Gordon just can't read his notes because he was shaking with so much mirth.

Still, while nobody who wasn't there would be in any way interested in these events - good lucking pricing up the paywall for this, Messrs Murdoch - at least it's important to Gordon, right? I mean, there's no way he'd just leave the article hanging on a meaningless odd line, is there?

But his bandmate DANNY JONES landed Bizarre's Beginner gong and a swine flu boiler suit.

Burning balls of McFly

Last time they played GAY, as our Google figures constantly remind us, it ended with McFly naked.

They kept their clothes on this time, but Danny Jones did attempt to set fire to his testicles. There was very little damage done, though. As you'd expect.

McFly tours: the truth

Lil'Chris, who apparently hasn't yet worked out that he's being patronised for a living, has just got back from the McFly tour. They sound like, oh, such a laugh:

"McFly thought they'd take the mickey out of me and presented me with this plate of insects. I wasn't that scared and ate the scorpions, worms, crickets, caterpillars and some ants, but Danny ( Jones) was really scared to do it.

"The scorpions were crunchy, the ants bitter and like body odour. Danny ate some worms and ants then threw up on me."

"Tom (Fletcher) stole my wallet and Danny and Dougie (Poynter) photocopied my driving licence and the picture of me without a hat.

"They put 100 copies of it round the theatre we were in and left some custard in a condom in my wallet."

Chris is, what, seventeen years old, and McFly are even older. It's not entirely clear why they seem to have confused 'tour' with 'twelve year olds on an exchange trip'.