Miley Cyrus has apparently done the impossible

The Daily Star makes quite a claim this morning:

Miley Cyrus shocks London's G-A-Y club with revealing outfit and raunchy show

Really, Daily Star? She "shocked" GAY, did she?

First, this is Miley Cyrus. You remember Miley Cyrus? She did the simulated anal sex with Robin Thicke on a televised awards show, and used that as the starting point for the sexualisation of her act.

Second, this is GAY. A place where the acts are seldom clothed, unless you count liquid latex and body paint. Seriously, if the archbishop of Canterbury turned up in stuffed Speedos backed by naked nuns with robo-dildo strap-ons, the audience would head to the bar muttering "well, he IS a man of the cloth so you'd expect something fairly tame, wouldn't you?"

Nobody hearing 'Miley Cyrus playing at GAY' would have turned up expecting a buttoned-up dress and an acoustic performance.

In fact, Cyrus' show is probably only just-about the most outrageous since, ooh, a fortnight back, when Lily Allen turned up as Beyonce-as-performed-by-a-drag-act. Which at least had a bit of thought put into it.

Gordon in the morning: People watching

Gordon reports from GAY this morning:

LAWSON made themselves as useful as The Village People during their gig at London’s G-A-Y club night on Saturday.

The ladband got kitted out in security bibs and mucked in by collecting tickets, mixing drinks and frisking punters.

Eh? Making themselves as useful as the Village People? Is Gordon confusing The Village People with The Wombles?

The teaser text tries to make more sense of the Village People comparison:

Boyband Lawson are the only Village in the G-A-Y

LADS take a turn as the YMCA icons, even wearing dayglo bibs, during their gig at the famous London club night

Ah, yes. You can see the similarities:

This is Lawson from Saturday night...

... and this is The Village People.

It might be the other way round, it's virtually impossible to tell the difference.

Gordon in the morning: Choices, choices

For Alexandra Burke the city was crowded, her friends were away, and she was on her own:

While other chart stars had headed off to Bangor in Wales to perform at Radio 1's Big Weekend, Alexandra chose to thrill the crowds in the capital.

She played GAY - which really has become just another tick box on the list now - rather than playing the big, high-profile Bangor event on the TV and the radio and the onlines. That much is true. I'm doubting there was very much "choice" involved, though.

Meanwhile, Cheryl Cole is burbling on about how GREAT it is to be thin:

The 5ft 3in X Factor judge, who weighs 7st, revealed a fan keeps her image on the fridge as motivation for gym sessions.

She said: "I like to think I can be inspiring someone like that."

Surely that would only work if you took your fridge to the gym? Wouldn't it be better to have the picture of Cole on your gym locker? Or does she just despise Cole so much, she can't stand to be in the house if there's a photo of her on the fridge?

I wonder which picture of Cole the fan has put on the fridge door? Perhaps this is the one she uses to "thinspire" her:

But it's not all great for Cheryl, you know:

But Cheryl, 26, finds being a beauty icon "cringeworthy".

Well, if by "being a beauty icon" she means "appearing in Nestle's L'Oreal adverts", yes, that is pretty cringeworthy.

Gordon rounds off his piece with this helpful background detail:

The GIRLS ALOUD star is rumoured to follow the blood group diet, which limits foods to a person's blood type.

That's unlike the rest of Girls Aloud, who enjoy all the blood groups in their diet.alex

Gordon in the morning: Piles of pants

Oh, for god's sake, Gordon:

SOMEONE should have a whip-round to buy LADY GAGA some trousers.

She has run around London in little more than her undercrackers for the past week.

By "running around London" you mean "has appeared on stage in a leotard-type costume once", do you? Look, if you want to print pictures of a woman where you can see her legs, why not just do it instead of trying to think of some reason that it might be noteworthy? "Woman who does energetic dance routine wears less clothes than cabinet minister" isn't much of a story, is it? Even when you try to somehow suggest there's a trend:

The outrageous New Yorker was a huge hit with the crowd at club night GAY in a shiny metal bustier and leather gloves on Saturday. That conical bra reminds me of early MADONNA.

Do you also have some fairly undressed photos of Madonna?

Queen Of Pop Madge, meanwhile, has been flashing her undies in new promo pics for album Hard Candy.

Actually, the photos of which Gordon talk are a little more interesting than that - they're not new photos at all, but apparently photos that Madonna rejected during the gathering of promotional materials which have suddenly appeared online. Humorously, Gordon fawns over the shots:

It's a wrap ... Madge looks much younger than 50

... while most people think the photos were abandoned in the first place because she looks about 90 in them. Despite her pants being on display.

Still, having spectacularly missed one story and failed to create another, could Gordon salvage the day with a spot of lazy gay stereotyping?

And I reckon she [Lady GaGa] borrowed that leather cap and shades from her new pals at GAY.

Well done, Gordo.

Darkness at 3AM: One day, it'll be right

Since, by the law of averages, sooner or later Girls Aloud will have to split up (if only to allow the lucrative reunion tour) you can almost understand the 3AM Girls taking a regular punt on predicting the end.

It's like weather forecasting. You should always predict rain; often, you'll be right, and it's better to send people out with umbrellas on a dry day than vice-versa.

The latest prediction is based on Sarah Harding making a solo record - which consists of providing a vocal for a track by the Filthy Dukes that's going to be slapped on a movie soundtrack.

The 3AMies list the other's solo projects, including, erm, Nadine Coyle's candle shop.

There's also this, this morning:

It was the kind of wardrobe malfunction that would have had most guys lusting with excitement.

But as Estelle performed on stage at GAY club, the singer's flash of boob went largely unnoticed.

Hmm, we wonder why?

Actually, isn't more likely because most people would have been looking elsewhere at the time?

Gordon in the morning

There are signs that Gordon Smart is starting to tire of the constant procession of breasts on his pages, restricting himself today to adding an "advent" shot of Heidi Klum and bunch of pictures of Paris Hilton in not much. This is prompted because, erm, Hilton went out dressed sensibly for December, which has worried Gordon:

Let's hope this isn't a sign of things to come, we're already losing JORDAN's mega bangers...

Some observers have wondered if Gordon knows that he's not making a private scrapbook to hide in the smoke-and-wank clubhouse tree, and there are signs that maybe he doesn't:

The blonde heiress is famous for showing off as much flesh as she can in her revealing outfits, but she decided to cover up for this special event.

I hope she doesn't find out I said this, but she actually pulled it off and looked great.

Pssst... Gordon, you're in a newspaper. People are reading what you write. Never mind Paris Hilton, your family can read it.

However, away from breasts, there's a little background homophobia as well. Jesse Metcalfe turned up to support his girlfriend when Girls Aloud played GAY at the weekend. Smart snickers away:

Jesse has a G.A.Y. old time

And when I first saw the pictures, I thought the Desperate Housewives star had decided to out himself.

But of course not.

Why "of course not", Gordon?

Jesse got a special award, bearing the club name, which he held up. But lest people got the wrong message he held on tight to Nadine.

Or, maybe, he was hugging his girlfriend because he was out with his girlfriend and the fear-of-being-thought-gay is merely something in your head, Gordon?

Burning balls of McFly

Last time they played GAY, as our Google figures constantly remind us, it ended with McFly naked.

They kept their clothes on this time, but Danny Jones did attempt to set fire to his testicles. There was very little damage done, though. As you'd expect.

MCFLY TRY FULL-FRONTAL NUDITY

As the hawk their sub-Busted new single, Please Please, McFly have had to fall back on the old Duran Duran video trick of throwing in a spot of full-frontal nudity.

Unfortunately, it's McFly naked rather than anyone else.

Tom McFly explained this wasn't that unusual:

“I wasn’t at all embarrassed about being naked. We’re used to stripping off in front of each other.

“And we all know who has got the biggest package — me."

To judge from the stills, it might be true in a "in the valley of the blind, the one-eyed man is king" sort of way.

music mcfly

Mel C: Gay. True.

It's not an answer to 'is Mel C a lesbian'. But, at least, she's going to play GAY. But look, she's got a boyfriend, okay?

Aguilera: No, please like me

I wonder if anyone mentioned to Christina that playing G-A-Y isn't a mark of approval from the left field audience, it's merely a staging post on the long, twisting path from Famous Person to Camp Icon. And, we should stress, we're using camp here in its proper sense here, of "tragically unaware of their own tragedy." After all, the coming attractions at the night include such extinguished luminaries as Appleton and Lisa Stansfield.

We've been mulling for a while, by the way, just how Christina has been able to get away with calling herself Xtina for so long without anyone waving for a foul. After all, using "X" for "Christ" is long established practice in Latin - hence, of course, Xmas - but is Ms Aguilera really comparing herself to Christ? Really?