Axl Rose: Pepper spray

Axl Rose is hoping that people don't think he's the sort of bore who would instruct his lawyers to go after Doctor Pepper, oh, no:

Answering questions on fansite Heretodaygonetohell.com, Rose distanced himself from the legal dispute, although he said he supported his lawyer.

"Sure [I agree with the letter being sent], but the actions taken so far had nothing to do with me and I was taken off guard as I had specifically told our team, 'Who fucking cares?!" he revealed.

He added: "Right now we have a record to deal with. My feelings are after their public response. It was cute. Maybe the guy who got it rolling originally meant well, but it turned out sour and maybe it's just me, but he seems like maybe he wants a bit too much attention so..."

Yeah, Axl, you're so clearly talking about word make form your mindy-head has thoughts to create about.

No Rock's highly-trained team of logicians have been trying to extract the sense from "I told them I didn't care, they sent a letter that was nothing to do with me, I totally support what they did despite having told them not to" - they hope to have a response to if he's a humourless douche or not by the end of the week. The second paragraph, though, they have deemed to be too dangerous to attempt to parse.

Axl Rose has some cloudy issues with Dr Pepper

Dr Pepper, you might conclude, has made good on its promise to provide all of America with an unpleasant pop to mark the release of Chinese Democracy - you could get a voucher to turn into a drink. All a bit of harmless fun, right?

Not according to Axl who had instructed his lawyers. TMZ reports:

Rose is accusing Pepper of profiting off the Guns N' Roses name, after the soda company's website malfunctioned during their free Dr Pepper giveaway on Sunday. The 20 oz. handouts were a promise made by Pepper if "Chinese Democracy" ever hit the shelves.

Axl's lawyers are demanding full-page apologies in four major newspapers, an extended period of time to collect on the free suds and payment for unauthorized use the G'N'R name.

Apart from being utterly, utterly humourless, it's a bit puzzling - if Rose is annoyed that Dr Pepper somehow misused the good name of Guns N Roses in their promotion, why does he want the promotion extended?

And given Buckethead's appropriation of KFC's buckets in an earlier iteration of Guns N Roses, does Axl really want to get into a brand-ownership cock fight?

Dr Pepper take-up faster than that of Chinese Democracy

While America might be less than impressed with Axl's record, the nation wasn't about to pass up free pop. Indeed, so great was the stampede for free Dr Pepper, the bemusingly-flavoured drinks company are extending their offer:

"People are passionate about Dr Pepper," said Tony Jacobs, vice president of marketing for Dr Pepper. "The response has been greater than anticipated and we want to do everything we can to ensure Dr Pepper fans get their free coupon. As a result, we've extended the offer, increased our server capacity and added a toll-free number, 1-888-DRPEPPER, for consumers to call to request their Dr Pepper."

The sudden extra server and phone-in line suggests that Pepper was having trouble coping with demand. It's not, I'd suggest, that people are that passionate about Dr Pepper; more that in the current climate, you can stretch a can of the drink to feed a family of four and that's not to be sniffed at.

Dr Pepper swallows hard, looks worried

The one piece of soothing balm for Dr Peppers is that they never pledged to give everybody in America a can of their product if a blog ripped tracks from a ready-for-market copy of Chinese Democracy. It's got to be a proper release to bankrupt them.

Having said which, the now-legally-removed stream of the album seems as if it might be a genuine deal. It would be typical of Rose to go ahead and release the bloody thing, unaware that the only fun on offer is the waiting, not the delivery.

[Thanks to Michael M]

The undrinkable in pursuit of the unthinkable

Having lost its patience with not being mentioned often enough in the media ("with Axl Rose's slow work rate"), the company which makes largely-undrinkable soda Dr Peppers has offered to give everyone in America a free can of their product if Guns N Roses finally release Chinese Democracy this year.

No, really:

In an unprecedented show of solidarity with Axl, everyone in America, except estranged GNR guitarists Slash and Buckethead, will receive a free can of Dr Pepper if the album ships some time -- anytime! -- in 2008. Dr Pepper supports Axl, and fully understands that sometimes you have to make it through the jungle before you get it right.

"It took a little patience to perfect Dr Pepper's special mix of 23 ingredients, which our fans have come to know and love," said Jaxie Alt, director of marketing for Dr Pepper. "So we completely understand and empathize with Axl's quest for perfection -- for something more than the average album. We know once it's released, people will refer to it as "Dr Pepper for the ears" because it will be such a refreshing blend of rich, bold sounds -- an instant classic."

We're not sure they can legitimately force people to drink their free can of soda, or how the distribution would work - perhaps it'd be like when they used to turn the EU beef mountain into unpleasant cans of minced cow parts in gravy and have local centres hand them out to pensioners. We're picturing them emptying a layer or two of ice into the Grand Canyon, then tipping in however-many-million cans before inviting people to help themselves.

We imagine the shareholders of whoever's holding that part of the falling-apart Cadburys Schweppes operation will be delighted if Axl does overcome the odds and get the record out by Christmas. It's a nice gag - let's hope it doesn't become a bankruptingly expensive one.

What's the worst thing that could happen?

Well, maybe you could shoot a Dr Pepper ad, then get gunned down, and they go ahead and run the commercials anyway.

[UPDATE: 19-01-08 - The above linked story is available on Archive.org; Dr Peppers were running a Coke ad featuring Jam Master Jay some three months after he'd been murdered.]