"Only Madonna can save us now"

The imminent destruction of Western civilization seems more and more attractive as even earthquake victims seem incapable of thinking in anything other than celebrity terms:

Madonna has promised $500,000 to help victims of Italy's devastating earthquake, said Fernando Caparso, mayor of Pacentro, the mountainside village where two of the pop star's grandparents were born.

Carparso told The Associated Press on Wednesday that that he had spoken to the pop star's manager and that he was deeply moved by Madonna's effort to assist the town as well as surrounding areas.

"Madonna was the only one who could help us," he said. "Other then being a great singer, a great rock star and an intelligent woman, with this gesture she has become a great woman," he said.

Let's hope that the money makes it through - Malawi is still waiting for its $3.7million Gucci/Madonna fundraiser, and Madonna spokesmutterer Liz Rosenberg seems reluctant to commit to a figure:

Liz Rosenberg, the pop singer's spokeswoman, confirmed that Madonna had pledged a "substantial amount," in quake relief but didn't disclose the exact figure.

And not everyone is thrilled by the offer in the first place:

Rosa Napoli, 90, was less than approving. "She is a woman that men like. She is not the Madonna that is worshipped in church," Napoli said as she left a small church where she attended an evening Mass.

Thanks for clearing that up, Ms Napoli. I do always get the two of them muddled up - it's easy to mistake the woman who recorded Like A Virgin for a 2,000 year old, don't you find?

Still: It's reassuring to know that whenever the world gets too obsessed with celebrity, we can always rely on the nonagenarians to pull us back.

Rhianna enters into awkward devil/charity pact

Rhianna - having exhausted the market for Rhianna-themed umbrella memorabilia - is now taking on a new role, as the face of Gucci's new UNICEF range.

Yes, yes, you did read that correctly: Gucci - overpriced way of separating fools and money - are doing a range for UNICEF, which Rhianna will be pushing.

Is it right to be cynical, though? Isn't it a great thing that Gucci is handing over all the cash it makes from exploiting Rhianna and the idea of starving children to try and do some good in the world? Isn't it in the least bit heartwarming?

The Umbrella hitmaker will front the Italian designer's Tattoo Heart range of products. A quarter of all profits made from the line will be donated to the children's charity.

Sorry? What was that? A quarter of profits? So in other words, seventy-five per cent of the profit will stick with Gucci. Is Rhianna comfortable that, in effect, she's promoting a product which pretends to be about helping the disadvantaged, but actually is generating a dollar for a luxury brand for every 33 cents it makes for the starving kids it's using as a marketing tool?

Raising Malawi on the UN lawns

It's hard to know what's more unsettling about the UN getting involved in a Madonna/Kabbalah fundraiser: the presence of Gucci, launching a shop for overpriced geegaws off the back of orphans, or the UN letting Kabbalah raise funds for its indoctrination-through-aid programme.

Lest we forget, Raising Malawi includes as one of its founding aims the intention to push the 'Child spirituality' programme alongside the day-to-day work:

Create a sense of self empowerment. This is where real societal change begins. To this end we are co-creating a curriculum with local Malawian teachers (based on the principles of the Spirituality for Kids Program) that empowers children with universal life skills.

Spirituality For Kids sounds like a lovely, fluffy idea, until you start to explore its teachings a bit, and its claims that "life is fair" because the "law of the universe" is that you get back what you put out - the sort of belief that leads, for example, to the conclusion of those who died in the holocaust were responsible for their own demise.

Madonna, Gucci team up to raise funds for indoctinurseries

Madonna and Gucci are coming together to throw a massive charity fundraising bash. They're set to raise a million quid, half of which will go to UNICEF. We're sure they'll be delighted with the gift, although whoever turns up to accept the cheque might have to bite their tongue not to blurt out anything about the Convention on the Rights of the Child, article 21.

The downside is that the other half of the cash will go to Raising Malawi, the Michael Berg/Madge charity which balances its lot-of-good-work-for-orphans with hammering the Kabbalah cult's Spirituality for Kids message into their heads.