Rhianna enters into awkward devil/charity pact

Rhianna - having exhausted the market for Rhianna-themed umbrella memorabilia - is now taking on a new role, as the face of Gucci's new UNICEF range.

Yes, yes, you did read that correctly: Gucci - overpriced way of separating fools and money - are doing a range for UNICEF, which Rhianna will be pushing.

Is it right to be cynical, though? Isn't it a great thing that Gucci is handing over all the cash it makes from exploiting Rhianna and the idea of starving children to try and do some good in the world? Isn't it in the least bit heartwarming?

The Umbrella hitmaker will front the Italian designer's Tattoo Heart range of products. A quarter of all profits made from the line will be donated to the children's charity.

Sorry? What was that? A quarter of profits? So in other words, seventy-five per cent of the profit will stick with Gucci. Is Rhianna comfortable that, in effect, she's promoting a product which pretends to be about helping the disadvantaged, but actually is generating a dollar for a luxury brand for every 33 cents it makes for the starving kids it's using as a marketing tool?

Raising Malawi on the UN lawns

It's hard to know what's more unsettling about the UN getting involved in a Madonna/Kabbalah fundraiser: the presence of Gucci, launching a shop for overpriced geegaws off the back of orphans, or the UN letting Kabbalah raise funds for its indoctrination-through-aid programme.

Lest we forget, Raising Malawi includes as one of its founding aims the intention to push the 'Child spirituality' programme alongside the day-to-day work:

Create a sense of self empowerment. This is where real societal change begins. To this end we are co-creating a curriculum with local Malawian teachers (based on the principles of the Spirituality for Kids Program) that empowers children with universal life skills.

Spirituality For Kids sounds like a lovely, fluffy idea, until you start to explore its teachings a bit, and its claims that "life is fair" because the "law of the universe" is that you get back what you put out - the sort of belief that leads, for example, to the conclusion of those who died in the holocaust were responsible for their own demise.

Madonna, Gucci team up to raise funds for indoctinurseries

Madonna and Gucci are coming together to throw a massive charity fundraising bash. They're set to raise a million quid, half of which will go to UNICEF. We're sure they'll be delighted with the gift, although whoever turns up to accept the cheque might have to bite their tongue not to blurt out anything about the Convention on the Rights of the Child, article 21.

The downside is that the other half of the cash will go to Raising Malawi, the Michael Berg/Madge charity which balances its lot-of-good-work-for-orphans with hammering the Kabbalah cult's Spirituality for Kids message into their heads.