Sadly, they didn't call the rollercoaster the Love Is Like A Rollercoaster rollercoaster

How do you test a theme park? Presumably by inviting in some people for go on the rides who it wouldn't be too upsetting if they discovered missing safety rails or loose bolts.

Somehow, they've managed to find some people to do this testing for the ill-conceived Hard Rock Theme Park. They're calling it a Sound Check, because it's a phrase that has something to do with music but doesn't really make sense being applied to tests on rollercoasters, in much the same way that the theme of the park has something to do with music but not in any way that makes sense.

The park is happy with how it went, but not going into too much detail:

Park officials would not say exactly how many people came, citing competitive reasons.

Competitive reasons? What, is there a giant swing-boat with Black Sabbath logos painted on the side down the street, ready to compete with the Led Zeppelin rollercoaster?

Battle of the rock theme parks

Rock music had got by for half a century without any support from the theme park industry. Not anymore, though, for even as the ground is being broken on the Hard Rock Theme Park, a rival attraction is being planned for Eloy, Arizona.

This is Decades, where the rock-fun will be grouped into themed areas based around, well, decades:

Named "Decades," the park would feature themed rides and attractions nestled in decade "lands" — the '60s would reflect the British Invasion and Motown influence whereas the '80s would emphasis the music-video age.

Aha, so managing to turn the place's one possible saving grace as a fun destination for all the family - a place where generations can come together and share their music - into a place where the different tiers of family will want to go to "their" part of the park, leading to rows, misery and sulking.

Ride the Hendrix dipper

Proving that there's no brand extension too tacky for some franchises, the Hard Rock cafe people are going to add to their overpriced burger bars, casinos, hotels and lucrative "selling unflattering t-shirts to timid tourists" business by opening a theme park in South Carolina.

This, apparently, is to be the largest tourist initiative ever in South Carolina - which is a little bit like "the most welcoming pub in the Gorbals" in the 1980s, to be honest.

As you can see, to celebrate the groundbreaking on the project, they built a massive sand sculpture called Mount Rockmore (but of course) - we're not quite sure, but we think the featured figures are Rufus Hound, Billie Jean King, Estelle Getty and Bill Webster.

(Actually, the press release reckons they're "Elvis Presley, John Lennon, Bob Marley and Jimi Hendrix" - Bob Marley?)

So, what can visitors expect?

With more than five years in creation and design, the innovative Hard Rock Park will feature six unique “rock environs” celebrating rock’s culture, lifestyle, legends and irreverence. Appealing to the family audience, the destination theme park will offer a diverse blend of rides, shows and interactive elements creating a totally immersive full day experience.

The rock lifestyle and irreverence, eh? So there's going to be a drug ride (the ultimate trip), a dubious under-age sex zone, and a Swearatholon machine where you can try and outrage public decency by saying "cock" on an authentic recreation of a... oh, hang about, it's going to be some rollercoasters with paintings of Dolly Parton on the cars, isn't it?