Justin Bieber: He wasn't there again today, I wish, I wish, he'd go away

I've read the headline on this Mail story a few times. It really does claim that Justin Bieber doesn't exist, doesn't it?

I think they mean "which didn't exist", but even if they fixed that, it'd still be a dog of a headline.

Gordon in the morning: R Kelly is grounded

As ever, credit where it's due. The headline on Gordon's story about R Kelly being too scared to get into a plane is good:

I Believe I Can Fly ...but I won’t

It's not all bad.

This is what the news always looks like to Mitt Romney

Gordon in the morning: Off-colour

How can you tell when you're just running a pap snap for the sake of it, and not because there's even a slither of a story attached?

Yes, having to change the colour of your headline in a bid to add some sort of interest. That'd be a clue.

Gordon in the morning: New scandal as Sun team pay £1.40 for story

TV-biz, which seems to be half-in and half-out of Gordon's kingdom, lifts a story from The Radio Times:

That's quite a scoop. For the Radio Times. So, Gallagher has said he'll do the X factor for a million, has he?

So, he'll do it for a million? Really?

Er, no...

FORMER Oasis star Noel Gallagher has joked he would be an X Factor judge for £1MILLION.
Naming his price, Noel, 44, said: "It's about six months' work, innit? I reckon it would have to be a million pounds after tax."

But he backtracked after realising the ITV show's boss Simon Cowell might take him up on his offer.

He told Radio Times: "I say that tongue-in-cheek."

Now Noel saying things and then changing his mind later isn't unusual. But to run a splash and a headline that are based on a claim that is revealed to be a joke with the very next breath is a bit shabby.

I know, as we learn more of what a corrupt hole The Sun is, this is a bit like complaining that it's cold in a sewer, but couldn't they at least pretend they're better than the world thinks they are?

A day we never thought we'd see

Who would have ever expected Smokie And Roy "Chubby" Brown's terrible novelty hit to be inspiring headlines in the Sueddeutsche Zeitung half a decade later?

And while we're looking at the great smouldering kitchen...

US readers are being told to get ready to panic:

Yes, while the rest of use thought it was a question of shuffling out after a bit of a grease fire in a kitchen, for US Magazine, it was the second Great Fire Of London.

Glastonbury 2011: Brilliant news

The headliners for this year's Glastonbury Festival are going to be Coldplay.

Now, that might not sound like brilliant news.

But the chances are you're more likely to not have spent £200 on a ticket to see Coldplay.

Not having Glastonbury tickets has just become a whole lot sweeter.

Gordon in the morning: Under the influence

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Leona Lewis is feeling kinda antsy about having to carry a massive global tour on her shoulders. This may or may not have led to Paul McKenna being called in:

The Bleeding Love star has turned to the mind expert to overcome crippling confidence issues.

Leona is undergoing a series of therapy sessions ahead of global gigs to ensure her nerves are kept at bay.

Gordon helpfully illustrates what this might look like with this photo:

Now, this might look to you as if someone has grabbed a photo from her performing some song or other. But, to Gordon:

THIS is the kind of zoned out expression LEONA LEWIS could have once she's told to "sleep" by world famous hypnotist PAUL McKENNA.

Apparently, if McKenna can't help, there are plans to bring in the evil hypnotist from Big Train:

Elsewhere, I've looked at this headline from all angles:

It’s Friel nice out

- and I'm not sure what the pun is meant to be. I know the point is that you can see the right hand side of Anna Friel's left hand breast and they might as well just run with "tits! tits!", but... Friel nice out? Free-all? Real? It can't be real, can it?