Black Lips "flee India"

They don't, it turns out, like it in India if you remove your clothes and dive into the crowd. Or certainly not when Cole Alexander did it. As a result, The Black Lips nearly had their passports confiscated and have fled the country, leaving a canceled tour in their wake. Someone, though, should turn their MySpace explanation into a movie:

When we got to the next hotel a mysterious man and someone who worked for our Indian booking agency tried to run off with our passports they got to the car when we caught them. That's when our VBS.tv documentarian Rob went postal on them. We surrounded them until they gave back our passports. After that we booked the first flight to Berlin to instead work with another Indian, King Khan, on an upcoming EP. We are flying out as soon as sunrise hits this far away land and we have to have the US embassy's phone number on hand in case any more troubleshit starts popping at the airport or something.

If you're making the movie, you might want to change 'the phone number of the American embassy' for something a little more exciting, like 'a gun disguised as a guitar'. Even so: alarming stuff.

Gordon in the morning: An empty pyramid

Gordon rushes through the newsroom, hollering "Hold the front page!":

GLASTONBURY headline act JAY-Z is on the verge of pulling out of the festival.

Goodness. This actually is news, although perhaps not quite as serious as Smart would hope to have us believe:

Unless a last-minute peace deal is brokered his cancellation looks set to disappoint many of the 100,000 music fans who bought festival tickets when they went on sale yesterday morning.

Really? "Many"? "Some" might be a stretch, but many?

Mr. Z is supposedly upset by, well, everything:

The rapper, who married BEYONCE on Friday, is upset organisers used his planned appearance to hype the event’s appeal to a younger and more “urban” crowd.

He was also angered by suggestions his signing caused fewer ticket registrations than last year and the reaction to his appearance on some festival message boards.

Really? Jay-Z is worried by things that people have posted on the internet? And is "upset" that he was used to attract his core audience? How does that actually make sense? Are we supposed to believe that Jay-Z thought he was being signed to disappoint the regular audience rather than attract a (slightly) different one?

Quick, Gordon, your story is melting faster than yesterday's snow:

Yesterday Eavis denied Jay-Z had pulled out, insisting: “I spoke to his people this weekend. Everything is fine. I’m excited.”

Gordon reports of Myleene Klass' birthday party. He's not impressed:

The former HEAR'SAY singer celebrated her 30th birthday at the Vanilla club in London's West End and invited a cast of Z-lister friends to help her do it in, er, style.

Having spent a few paragraphs calling anyone who showed up so obscure as to be of no interest to the likes of his readers, Gordon then invites his readers to:

See some of the guests at the bash by clicking on the link below.

There is a fairly big story in The Sun, which gets pushed onto Gordon's page:

MADONNA is to adopt a baby from India, The Sun can reveal.

Really?

They met Bollywood choreographer Sandip Soparrkar – who has adopted an Indian baby.

Sandip said: “We spoke about how there are so many children in India who need homes.”

A source said: “Madonna was very taken with Sandip. He told her there were orphans who would melt her heart. Guy was against the idea, but when she wants something, she gets it.”

So, then, there's no actual adoption process in place, just - perhaps - a vague idea. The piece, boiled down, says "it's too tricky to take an African child, let's see if the Indians are bit less worried about handing over their children", all, of course, hung on this "a source", a source so vague that they don't even indicate why they'd be in a position for us to take this seriously.

Nadine foiled

You'd have to have a heart of stone, etc: Nadine Coyle was about go on again with the tedious on-off publicrelationship she has with a man whose first names do seem to be Desperate Housewives Hunk Jesse, only to discover that you need to have a visa to go to India. Who knew, eh?