Liveblog: Eurovision 2024

 10.43am

Can a silly song contest take the weight of Israel's grinding of Gaza and its residents? Almost certainly not. 

Although, according to YouGov, most of the people who don't think Israel should be in Eurovision are reacting to geography, rather than the country's indiscriminate and cruel reaction to the indiscriminate and cruel killings of October 7th:

Famed for its grasp of nuance, social media has been absolutely batshit for the last week or so, with people being told that they're clearly Zionist for wanting to watch Olly Alexendar bouncing around the Malmö stage, or staying up to gone midnight while the host of Moldovan state TV's Wa-Hey It's Saturday pads giving three scores to around ten minutes of toe-curling screen time. Or, equally, that they're antisemitic for deciding that this year, they might skip the event and spend the evening watching some of the non-stop Abba output available instead.

It's not going to be a normal Song Contest this year - and maybe that's actually as it should be: if Israel had been kicked out we could all have had a lovely time and forgotten all about it and pretended that the happy peaceful Europe the event is meant to reflect is a reality, rather than an illusion slipping away faster than we'd like to accept. (I don't, for a minute, think that's what the organisers were striving for when they decided that Netanyahu is not the same as Putin; but it's the unintended consequence.) Israel can't be present without the Palestinian people travelling with them. Tonight, we're all locked in together.

Can a silly song contest take the weight of a collapsing world? Almost certainly not. Join me back here at 8-ish to find out.

(By the way: these days I'm almost as rarely on Twitter as I am on Blogger - but you can find me hanging out on BlueSky under norock.)

12.27pm

Last night, there was trouble at rehearsals and the upshot is that everyone who has carefully produced a scoring sheet for their Eurovision parties this evening are having to rip it up and start again.

Joost Klein, the none-more-Dutch0named contestant from the Netherlands, was involved in what is euphemistically being called an "incident" that has resulted in police getting involved and his removal from tonight's events:

The European Broadcasting Union (EBU), which organises the event, later issued a statement saying they were "investigating an incident that was reported to us involving the Dutch artist".

On Saturday, Swedish police confirmed that a man had been reported for making "unlawful threats" at Malmö Arena, after Thursday's semi-final.

"The police have taken all essential investigative measures and questioned the suspect, plaintiff and witnesses," a spokesperson said.

"The investigation has been completed by the police... and the case will now go to the prosecutor within a few weeks."

If the EBU is clear about one thing, it's not going to tolerate acts of aggressive behaviour. Well, not at the venue, anyway.

7.10pm

I imagine whoever is doing presentation for BBC One this evening has got a Tom and Jerry loaded up to slap on in a hurry, as the last minute preparations are growing increasingly chaotic:

French contestant Slimane broke with protocol during the final dress rehearsal on Saturday afternoon, by interrupting his song to make an impassioned speech.

"Everybody, I just need to say something," he told the audience. "Every artist here want[s] to sing about love and sing about peace. We need to be united by music, yes, but with love for peace.

"United by music, yes, but with love for peace," he repeated. "Thank you so much. Thank you Europe."

The statement itself may have broken Eurovision's rules on making political statements.

Oh, and also...

Earlier, the Irish contestant Bambie Thug withdrew entirely from the dress rehearsal, after raising a complaint about coverage of their performance on Israeli television.

The singer, who is non-binary, said comments made during coverage of their performance at Tuesday's semi-final breached the competition's rules.

Israeli TV station KAN referred to a "controversy" over Bambie Thug's song, whose lyrics reference witchcraft and the occult, then noted that the performer had "spoken negatively about Israel".

"But we can talk about that later," their commentator said. "Prepare your curses."

The comment may have been a reference to a lyric in Bambie Thug's song, where they put a hex on an ex-boyfriend, but the singer felt it had crossed a line.

"I'm angry with other teams breaching their rules of the EBU, and still being allowed in," they told RTÉ news in Ireland.

I picture a nervous Swedish TV producer is telling their bosses that this is just everyone getting it out of their systems before the main event. (And then knocking back a glass of vodka.)

7.25

Meanwhile - look, maybe presentation is going to need a Dad's Army to fill any gaps tonight - the disqualification of the Dutch contestant is getting murkier by the second:

In a statement, the Dutch broadcaster Avrotros, said that Klein had been filmed backstage when he had "repeatedly indicated" that he did not want to be.

"This led to a threatening movement from Joost towards the camera. Joost did not touch the camerawoman," they added, calling the decision to disqualify him "very heavy and disproportionate".

Videos have circulated on social media of Klein being surreptitiously filmed by the Israeli delegation - but the EBU stressed in their statement that the backstage incident "did not involve any other performer or delegation member".

And also:

Norwegian media is reporting that their jury spokesperson Allesandra Mele has pulled out, citing the "inflamed situation" in Malmö.

"... well, as we've left Eurovision early this evening, we've a chance to catch up with a group of University friends retracing their steps along the Welsh borders. Pauline Quirke leads the cast on an unexpected visit to Arthur's Dyke, here on BBC One..."

Nah, I'm sure it'll be fine.

7.30

Open the voting! #eurovision

[image or embed]

— Stephen Collins (@stephencollins.bsky.social) May 11, 2024 at 19:25

7.35

Norway have also lost their jury presenter:

Alessandra Mele posted to her Instagram to say she would no longer be the person who announces the points awarded by Norway.

In the video, the former Eurovision contestant said that though she was "thankful" for the opportunity to award points from Norway, she had ultimately "taken the decision to withdraw".

"United by music - Eurovision's motto - is the reason why the music unites people," she says.

"But right now, those words are just empty words... I'm asking you all to please open up your eyes, open up your heart, let love lead you to the truth... Free Palestine." 

The words "looks like I picked the wrong week to give up sniffing glue" could be heard over the production talkback system.

7.45

Over on the Guardian's LiveBlog, Martin Belam's dog has just made his second guest appearance of the week, after having been shoe-horned into the Politics Live blog a day or two ago.

7.50

I know they've got other things to worry about but Eurovision might want to update the 'meet the artists' carousel on their homepage as... you're not going to be meeting Joost tonight.

7.59

Who's finished. Shhh, it's starting.

Oh, this weird EastEnders trail again.

8.00

The Guardian's sent a news alert that it's starting.

Oooh, they're doing BSL on press red this year. That's going to be fun.

The Crown Princess of Sweden is welcoming us all to Sweden, with all the warmth of a harried mother welcoming us to an 18th birth day party.

The sound's fucked, or else Graham Norton's been locked in a cupboard.

8.02

Yeah, yeah, we've all got the aurora borealias, now, Sweden. You're not special.

They're doing a 'have we mentioned Abba came from Sweden' thing, but well done Sweden for leaving it a full two minutes before bringing that up.

It's in the context of introducing what appears to be a Swedish Simon Mayo doing Hooked On A Feeling.

Icona Pop now, though, so that's better.

Every year I forget they do the walk-out like it's the Olympics at the start now. I'm not sure it adds that much.

Not sure Eden Golan lip-syncing "I don't care" as she walks out is entirely going to help make things better.

Just the sight of Estonia's group walking on has made bedtime feel a couple of extra hours away.

8.07

Roxette takes over from Icona Pop, because we need some extra Nazi action tonight, don't we?

Graham is telling us we can vote before we've even heard a song, which I suppose allows people who only tune in for the geopolitics to stir the pot and still get to see Match of the Day, but makes no sense in the context of a song contest.

Everyone walking on holding their national flags out in front of them gives a 'naked underneath this' vibe, which frankly is a bit much for this time on a Saturday night.

Sweden now reminding us that Abba - here's a fun fact - were in fact Swedish contestants on the Eurovision song contest.

8.11

"United by Music" says the backdrop. Well, that's probably overselling it.

The hosts have taken the stage. Are they going to do some knockabout comedy bit?

Malin and Petra are the safe pair of hands. Slight side-eye when saying "twenty-five countries".

Malin does a joke about Abba - "who were never heard of again". 

Petra's got the box set of Gilmore Girls for a gag. This isn't exactly Bill Hicks, but it's not as flat as the jokey bit usually is.

"We're about to create many more lovely moments tonight."

Fate is surely being tempted, right here.

8.15

Still don't understand why the UK is the only country not allowed to vote by text.

Petra mentions Dancing Queen. By Abba, don't you know?

8.18

And here's the music bit!

1. 🇸🇪 Sweden | Marcus & Martinus - Unforgettable

The twins representing Sweden are either stuck in a lift or a TLC video from 1994. They're wearing space-suit uniforms, but the sort that would be worn by people in the engine room or carrying space potatoes around. The song, despite its name, is totally forgettable.

Oh, now they're trapped in the Matrix. Let's leave them there.

8.22

2. 🇺🇦 Ukraine | alyona alyona & Jerry Heil - Teresa & Maria

Jerry Heil? Really? That name has 'You Have Been Watching' all over it.

This pair look like a mismatched cop duo from an early 2000s ITV series.

A lot of "ooooh-oooohing". Jerry has got a piece of a suit of armour on her shoulder. The LED screens are apparently showing tracer shots, which I suppose Ukraine can get away with.

Alyona Alyona has popped up to do a rap bit, while Jerry is regenerating in the background.

This isn't bad, but its thudding beat could sell a shedload of Anadin.

I think they've just done a die-in on the screens. But of course they can't have done, because no politics, right? Right, EBU?

8.26

3. 🇩🇪 Germany | ISAAK - Always On The Run

The little preview bits are... slightly lower budget this year; bit of archive, some surely-not-actually-phone-footage.

Isaak starts his song sitting next to a brazier, and so it's possible he's actually out on strike.

I don't think anyone is going to be pushing for ACAS to be involved in getting him quickly back to work.

He looks like someone who would go on Britain's Got Talent just so Ant and Dec could be surprised at his voice.

Norton thinks he was terrific, which... I guess shows what going to work for Virgin Radio does for your musical taste.

8.30

4. 🇱🇺 Luxembourg | TALI - Fighter

Oh, it's the one who looks like Lene Lovich.

There are some half naked men on stage with her who don't seem sure why they've been invited to Tali's party.

It's a bit mid-european chugga-chugga, but trying to pull off some handbrake turns to make it interesting. 

The men, disappointingly, are wearing more clothes than it seemed at first.

Some giant cgi leopard action going on, though, which picks things up a bit.

Every so often the music resolves itself into a massive electronic fart.

8.34

6. 🇮🇱 Israel | Eden Golan - Hurricane

Not five, of course.

"You may have seen on the news..." says Graham, chanelling Histor's Eye. Yes, Graham. We have seen on the news.

(Are the audience overcheering, or have they just turned the atmos up on the soundtrack?)

This is the sort of ballad that Whitney Houston would have thought a bit much.

Bit on-the-nose that Golan is wearing a dress made out of bandages.

"A mixed reaction" says Graham.

8.40

7. 🇱🇹 Lithuania | Silvester Belt - Luktelk

Hey, it's Silvester here, with my fun sunglasses! I am your fun penfriend! Let's have big fun, yes?

Oh, now he's come on stage he's got more of a Mark Zuckerberg vibe to him.

Thirty seconds in, and an unseen producer pushes the "chugga-chugga" button.

I looked away and when I looked back he appeared to be wearing his raincoat. The weather changes so swiftly in Scandinavia, I hear.

8.42

They're doing a commercial break. I suppose if Sunak does win the election, the only upshot of him being in charge of the BBC charter renewal is we'll get adverts for Kit-E-Kat instead of these bits of padding.

They're showing the Israeli jury from 1975 fucking things up for the live programme. I mean, that's well chosen, right?

8.45

They're recapping the rules. Nothing about not doing a genocide, it turns out.

8.46

Back to the music:
8. 🇪🇸 Spain  | Nebulossa - ZORRA

Nebulossa looks like they've taken a night off from their Dollar tribute act.

And they've got the first keytar of the evening.

Tall female drummer bringing Bobby Gillespie era Jesus and Mary Chain vibes.

Aha, now we've got some half naked men in corsets and fishnets.

(Ironically, someone was thrown out of the auditorium earlier because they had a non-binary flag, which was political.)

8.51

9. 🇪🇪 Estonia | 5MIINUST x Puuluup - (nendest) narkootikumidest ei tea me (küll) midagi

Norton's done his Terry Wogan toast.

Oh, it's TWO bands. That's why there's so many of them.

Puuuluuup, not lead, sadly, by Jaaaaaarviiiiissss Cooooockeeeeer.

One of them's down shaking the hands of the audience like this is a proper gig and not a choreographed attempt to pretend that geopolitics doesn't really exist.

If this is what they can do with two bands, imagine what they'd be like with five or six other bands. Just as tiring, I fear.

It's growing on me a little. A taste of the wind blowing off the steppes in a cold winter.

8.55

10. 🇮🇪 Ireland | Bambie Thug - Doomsday Blue

Norton warns parents young kids might find this a little frightening. Graham, they've just sat through a bald beardy bloke yelling at them. Any kids still standing are gonna be okay.

Also, they'd have to be kids who were scared by the Wicked Witch in Snow White. 

This is suburban goth. Aleister Crawley.

The mix is terrible, as well - I suspect her voice would be making this all hang together but it's been lost.

"Muuuum, you just don't understand..."

9.00

11. 🇱🇻 Latvia | Dons - Hollow

Had forgotten the cat was out, and only remembered as we hit the sixty minutes in point.

Dons is wearing a sexy hard outfit, which looks unfortunately like it's been made out of a kiddie's paddling pool.

He's got a pretty strong voice, which is working with some pretty weak material.

The cat's fine, though. That's what counts.

9.03

12. 🇬🇷 Greece | Marina Satti - ZARI

Marina's song has been co-written by Gino The Ghost.

She might have gotten away with the diaper-like shorts if she'd not started her song squatting down.

The song sounds like Olivia Rodrigo sending morse code. I'm not sure that's a good thing.

(Martin Belam's suggested it sounds like O Superman, which is being somewhat kind.)

9.08

13. 🇬🇧 United Kingdom |  Olly Alexander - Dizzy

Halfway through. Olly's having some fun in Union Jack swimming shorts on the pre-song bit.

He's brought his dirty toilets with him, which is nice.

I've not heard this before - the vocal sounds like it's lost in the mix.

Ooh, some consensual touching of an upside-down boxer's boxers. 

This is the gayest thing that has ever happened at Eurovision. Of 'not the Eurovision type' of gay, anyway.

I don't think it's his greatest work, but it's better than the contest probably deserves.

9.13

Lynda Woodruff bit while the ads are on. Actually works. The song about the EBU director is actually the best song we've had so far.

9.16

14. 🇳🇴 Norway | Gåte - Ulveham

I do not know what that instrument is even meant to be. Is this a Mad Max thing? Has Mcgyver fashioned it after being locked in a music shop by some bad guys.

Gate seem to be lost in the forest.

There's a lot of interesting ululation going on, but there's nothing holding it all together. Certainly not Edward Guitarhands.

9.20

15. 🇮🇹 Italy  | Angelina Mango - La Noia

She's started like she's fighting for breath.

Ooh, this is quite something - it's like someone's tried to blend Demi Lovato and classic Eurovision and... it doesn't totally suck.

The staging - a Diet Coke break at the gym in a room decorated with someone's synapses - is unsettling, and the bit where she sings so quickly she might be doing the terms and conditions on a mortgage ad doesn't quite work, but if you can't vote for the UK, you might as well vote for this.

9.24

16. 🇷🇸 Serbia | TEYA DORA - RAMONDA

(Whispers) I think Teya might be a proper goth.

Oh, yes: this is very much a late night in the graveyard vibe.

Don't spoil it by going all upbeat.

It keeps threatening to go diggy-lou, diggy-lay, but holds itself back.

It doesn't sound like a Eurovision winner, but I wouldn't mind having this on shuffle on the phone.

9.28

17. 🇫🇮 Finland | Windows95man - No Rules!

This is going to be wacky, isn't it?

Young people: Radio 1 DJs used to make 'comedy'. records. This sort of thing was the result. There is a reason why Radio 1 no longer has the type of DJ who would be making comedy records on its airwaves.

The 'oooh, he's got no pants however will they stop us seeing his cock' is inventive, if you've never seen Calendar Girls or that Stella Artois nudist colony advert.

He's zipped himself up and gone away.

9.32

18. 🇵🇹 Portugal | iolanda - Grito

Iolanda is being surrounded by men dressed head-to-toe in white, which gives the awkward impression she's being hassled by a bunch of mutant size sperm.

The song is interesting - it's a bit military goth, a bit stuttery march. It's not the first time this evening a contestant has given the impression of singing despite, rather than with, the backing music.

9.37

James in the comments - comments! On a blog! In 2024! - points out that Germany having a literal binfire on stage is a perfect metaphor for the competition this year.

19. 🇦🇲 Armenia | LADANIVA - Jako

YOU'RE TOO CLOSE TO THE CAMERA LADANIVA FOR CHRIST SAKE I CAN SEE YOUR CORPUSCLES.

I know precious little about Armenia's music, and so this could either be bang-on modern for them or a throwback to traditional music, or both, but it's a lot of fun. Like, actual fun. Not Windows95 Man "hey, we're having fun" style fun; genuinely like people are enjoying the fuck out of what they're doing.

9.40

20. 🇨🇾 Cyprus | Silia Kapsis - Liar

There is only one song called Liar, Silia.

Also, Silia, there is only one Shakira.

(Actually, I quite like this. And they're using a lot of turquoise in the staging, which is a colour that doesn't get enough stage time.)

9.44

21. 🇨🇭 Switzerland | Nemo - The Code

Obligatory Celine Dion mention.

I'm getting Jamiorquai vibes from Nemo's pre-performance video. Let's hope that stops.

It's stopped. It's now more Mika. I think I'd just like them to stop and get cuddled. They seems to really need to be told everything's going to be okay. Calm down, Nemo. Calm down.

Apparently there's a bit of The Magic Flute chucked in here. Hope Mozart's on points.

9.48

Ah, more commercials for some; a weird bit of archive of a woman losing her skirt and changing her top into a dress.

Bucks Fizz ripping skirts off klaxon.

Good god, they're showing Bardo. Not playing One Step Further, because they're not insane. But they're showing them.

Petra's just had their mother-in-law rip their skirt off. (She designed the Bucks Fizz outfits, it's not entirely random).

9.53

22. 🇸🇮 Slovenia | Raiven - Veronika

We're reaching the final stretch of the first bit.

That's so Raiven.

Is this the first catsuit of the evening? I think it is.

The song is the sort of thing that you'd normally only hear a bit of on an advert for a perfume you might give your mother at Christmas. It'd have a second-string model in it driving in an open-top car on a clifftop as a storm gathered. She'd possibly have a tiger on the passenger seat, depending on the budget and health and safety rules in the country the ad gets shot.

9.57

23. 🇭🇷 Croatia | Baby Lasagna - Rim Tim Tagi Dim

Mmmm, lasagne.

Mr Lasagne looks like he should be shepherding pensioners back onto a sight-seeing coach somewhere in Winchester.

The staging is 'the sixth form are doing Amadeus' and the deputy head hasn't yet been along to any rehearsals.

The song is what a paper shredder might sing if it was given consciousness by a passing wizard.

Very much this year's 'if this is the sort of thing you like...' entry.

22.01

24. 🇬🇪 Georgia | Nutsa Buzaladze - Firefighter

Only another two hours to go, everyone. Chin up!

Nutsa's come straight from the marathon and is still wrapped in foil. 

Her dancers are doing the full-on Marti Caine style hiding behind her and sticking their arms out bit, which is nice to see a dying art revived.

It's that point in the evening where it's unclear if this is actually alright, or I've just been bludgeoned by the previous 22 songs. 

22.05

25. 🇫🇷 France  | Slimane - Mon Amour

France! I'd forgotten France. How had I not noticed we'd not had France yet?

"A big hearted ballad called Mon Amour" says Graham, and I am agog at the inventiveness.

Slimane is wearing a shirt made of cheesecloth. His pants are also cheesecloth. Through the cheesecloth we can see that his underwear, too, has been fashioned out cheesecloth.

The song he sings also has a faint air of brie hanging over it.

He spins the camera; as it completes the arc it's pointing at his cheesecloth-clad groin. He gently redirects its gaze to his face - "my eyes are up here". 

22.09

Did you know Abba came from Sweden?

(This leads us in to a little bit of business with Brighton getting a moment in the sun, to answer the question how it was affected by the victory. "Hasn't really". Jokes actually landing during Eurovision! Truly an age of wonders.)

10.12

26. 🇦🇹 Austria | Kaleen - We Will Rave

"We will rave" says Kaleen, throwing it back in the face of John Major and his hatred of repetive beats. 

She's bought a version of Zendaya's C3PO dress off of BooHoo dot com.

"Rum-de-dum-dum we will rave."

Eurovision written while circling the M25 at 2.30am on a Saturday morning trying to find the field your friends with the 'snacks' have gone to.

10.15

Well. We've got through that bit. Just the voting to go now, then.

10.21
They've just given us a reminder of the songs we've just spent two hours listening to. I think that's called "rubbing it in"

10.23

Just when you say out loud the jokes and landing, there's a bit about Alcazar being confused with Abba. Which I guess might be hilarious if you've heard of Alcazar.

Oh, they're dragging out again after the band have played.

10.26

Now, they're really talking about Abba. It's surprising they've not mentioned them already.

They're doing a link-up with the Abba hologram thing in London. Giving the whole event a bit of a deepfake porn vibe.

Stadium now singing along to Waterloo, though, so they're all happy.

10.30
They trotted out Charlotte Perelli, Conchita Wurst & Carola to join the weird karaoke, which is probably the fullest-on 'please don't boo' you're going to see tonight.

10.40

They're taking the piss out of Loreen's nails before bringing her out to do last year's winner again.

10.46

Graham's doing some shout-outs now. You can take the man out of Radio 2, but...

10.51

They've closed the voting. Netanyahu can stop shoving coins in the phone box now.

The green room is just part of the stadium seating which looks uncomfortable.

There's a load of booing drowning out Martin Bigboss bloke's confirmation the voting's all kosher.

10.53

Ukraine wearing a dress that looks like she's trying to shove a duvet into a cover. 12 to Switzerland. Nothing to the UK. (Thanks, Kyiv)

UK have got Joanna "I'm Joanna Lumley" Lumley doing our scores. 12 to Portugal.

Luxembourg are excited to be back. There's a weird delay on the line tonight. 12 to Switzerland.

Early indications are Switzerland might do well. UK on zero but so are a lot of people.

10.57

Azerbaijan are the first jury presentation to sing. It's ill-advised. 12 to Switzerland.

San Marinohave popped out of Cinderella Rockefellas to give 12 to Switzerland again. I think we're seeing a pattern here.

Malta's guy has killed several teddy bears and is wearing their corpses, but no shirt. He also sings. Tje divorce is going well, clearly. 12 to Switzerland. Might set up a keyboard shortcut for that.

Croatia have sent a sensible broadcaster, but he's wearing a tshirt to show he's fun. Portugal get 12.

Not a bean for Olly yet.

11.00

Albania! Albania! Looks like its someone from the local council has turned out to give 12 to Switzerland.

Czecha is keeping the jewellery. They give 12 to Ukraine.

Israel, so far, have managed to scrape three points. (Still better than the UK)

Time for their votes, too - to a lot of booing from the hall. Luxembourg get 12 points from Tel Aviv.

11.03

Australia calling. He's got a fucking keytar. Four points to the UK at least takes Olly from nul points. 12 to Ireland. 

Estonia still yet to score.

Denmark claim to be able to hear the noise from across the water. 12 to Switzerland, who are now opening up a hell of a lead.

Spain are going to catch a chill in a skirt that short. Two to the UK; 12 to Switzerland.

11.06

Norway standing in front of the Northern Lights (you're NOT SPECIAL ANY MORE). They've given 8 to Israel, taking them high up the bottom half. 12 to Switzerland.

Germany have come as Madonna from the Vogue video; also give 8 to Israel and 12 to Sweden. (Have they mistranslated Switzerland?)

Armenia is padding her bit.  (The subtitles say she was called Brunette, but that can't be right, surely?). 12 to France, though. 

Slovenia are trying fuschia but it's not working. 12 to France. A sudden awakening. (They gave 10 to Switzerland, though, so it's not like things are changing that much.)

Georgia appears to have accessorised with office equipment, specifically treasury tags. 12 to Switzerland. UK still not had anything for a while.

Switzerland are overexcited, which is risky in that dress. 3 to Olly, 12 to Greece.

11.12

Moldova has a smile that couldn't be faker if she was telling you she didn't really want a card for her birthday anyway. 12 to Ukraine.

We're more than halfway through. Swizterland, France, Italy and Ireland the top four. Israel solid mid table. UK already standing down Hannah Waddingham for 2025.

We're in the green seating area and Nemo is over-excited and over-tired.

Cheesecloth Man from France is sitting with the air of a man who knows we're only going through the motions of him having a chance.

11.15

17 juries and the public vote to go. John Curtice running a slide rule over things.

Greece have a dress that's a bit much for this sort of thing but is a great dress even so. Start this section of scores with 12 for Switzerland.

Estonia are dressed more demurely. But the ear jewellery is quite something. 5 to Israel, 12 to Switzerland. Zero, of course, to the UK.

Netherlands not appearing because they're in a huff. The audience are not happy as Martin gives their 12 to Switzerland.

Austria are wearing an Equality tshirt, which is a statement. The host looks like she's going to cry as he talks about equality. 12 to Switzerland. They also gave 2 to Estonia, taking them from nul points.

11.19

France in front of the Eiffel Tower incase you don't get which France it is. 12 to Portugal. 3 to Israel.

Italy are wearing a bow-tie and talking way too much. He's gently moved on. 12 to Switzerland. They're nearly at 250 now. France are on 143 in second.

Finland has got a gold lame jacket. 12 to Switzerland.

Graham Norton trying to keep things interesting by saying the public vote could change everything. Could it?

Portugal give 4 to the UK. They're in a Miss Selfridge spotty number and say something softly political about love. 12 to Switzerland.

11.24

Belgium - six to the UK (now on 19, sort of middle of the bottom half); 12 to Switzerland.

Iceland - 8 to UK (late rally kalxon) and 12 to France.

Latvia have slipped off the tie and are relaxed - 3 to UK, 2 to Israel, 12 to Switzerland

11.26

Ireland give 4 to the UK  - now top of the bottom half; switzerland get 12 and are now over 300.

Poland have interrupred filming a reboot of Bewitched. 12 to Switzerland.

Cyprus looks like the man who swindled your nan out her pension. 8 to Israel; 12 to Croatia. 'Member them?

Lithuania has a dinner party to get to, and they're not sure if its a swinging one. 4 to Israel; 12 to Switzerland. The UK rally has dried up.

Serbia have come as a space nun. 4 to UK. 12 to Croatia.

Final votes from Sweden. 8 to UK, now bottom of second half. 12 to Switzerland.

11.31

So, jury's voting done. Switzerland lead with 365; France have 218; Croatia 210.

UK one place behind Israel 12/13, 52-46

Nemo now looks a little bit sick with excitement.

We're turning now to the public vote. Will it unleash chaos?

It feels a bit like they're padding because they're under-running slightly, which has got to be a first.

11.35

Estonia get 33 points, finish on 37

Finland 31, to 38

Norway 4 points ! to 16

Slopvenia 12 to 27

Georgia 19 points to 34

(jury and public seem pretty similar in taste so far)

Austria 5 to 24 (deserved more)

Spain 11 to 30

Serbia get 32 points, end on 54

Lithuania 58 points, bounce to 90

Cypris 44 making 78

Latvia 28 points, 64

Greece 85 pts, 126

UK...zero points. Olly trying to smile. Arena not happy.

Israel 323 points. Cough. Takes them to 375 and temporary leaderr

Luxembourg 20 points to 103

Germany 18 pointsend on 117

Armenia 82 go to 183

Sweden  49, makes 174

13 for portugal 152

Ukraine 307 points, bounce to top on 453

Ireland 136 points 278

Italy 104 points - 268 final figure

Croatia. get 337 points. 547 and at the lead.

France is next up, but they're showing us the faces of the top three from the jury vote now to build tension.

23.43

227 points to France, gives them third place. 445 points.

So how many for Switzerland?

It's Nemo or Lasagne.

The public vote has given them... 

Two hundred and... it gets lost in cheers.

(Actually looks like the subtitlers didn't catch the number either.)

11.47

So Nemo has won and is heading to the stage to do their song all over again.

Olly came in at 18th, which wouldn't be that bad but a zero from the phone vote is... pretty bad. How is that even mathematically possible? It's just a hunch, but I think we always do poorly when we put in a really successful artist: that sense of 'we're throwing our biggest guns at this' doesn't play well. And the result is like the cricket team in Ever Decreasing Circles having a go at Martin for fielding an Cambridge Blue.

The massive disparity in the jury and public votes for Israel is interesting, isn't it? There were semi-final conspiracy theories that this was basically Mosad manipulating the vote; but equally it could just reflect a diaspora vote turning out in a way that it doesn't typically do. I forsee a lot of noise around that over the next few days.

Overall, though, congratulations to Swedish TV for keeping the wheels just about turning, and - for the first time I can ever remember - finishing the thing on time.

See you back here next year, probably, for number 69. Nice.

Liveblog: Eurovision 2019

6.12pm
Bollocks. I was rather hoping I'd have forgotten how to use Blogger as an excuse to swerve this year's Eurovision Song Contest. As, perhaps, we all should be doing, what with it being held in Israel and, thus, helping the Israeli government in their campaign to appear like any other country.

There have been numerous calls for the competition to be removed from Israel, or for a boycott of the event - although, in fairness, if your objection is to Israel hosting the contest, you're effectively saying you don't mind them taking part in Eurovision, so long as they don't win it.

The management of Eurovision are, of course, adept at making the case that you shouldn't spend too long thinking about how the government making everyone so welcome to sing a few songs doesn't really have so great a human rights record. After all, they got a chance to trot the arguments out a few years back in Russia.

Netta - whose inability to lose despite offering up a dreadful, twee performance last year got us into this mess - popped up on the BBC yesterday stressing how Eurovision is a chance for everyone of all races, sexualities and genders to come together in peace. It's a line the Eurovision producers are hoping will be amplified across the course of the show, although I've checked the running order a couple of times and am struggling to see whereabouts the Palestinian entry is coming on.

The approved Eurovision, um, vision of everyone coming together can't be seen as a political message, though. Because the producers are very clear that no politics will be tolerated in the arena tonight - one senior man, whose name I didn't catch, told BBC News last night that anyone trying to make a political statement will be "stopped and punished".

Stopped is disappointing. Punished is really concerning. What sort of punishment will the Eurovision organisers have at their disposal? Engelbert Humperdinck can attest that simply setting foot on a Eurovision stage has the power to make you disappear completely from public view so god knows what they could do if they were pissed off with you.

The point at which the contest is most likely to lurch into an unplanned commercial break (while UK viewers are treated to the hosts awkwardly bantering over the sound of human howling) is during Hatari's performance. Back in February, the band challenged Netanyahu to a wrestling match and have given off signals that, if we must go to this place and do this thing, we're not going to do it quietly.

Back when it was Russia, the it was comfortingly easy to get outraged.. Because it's Russia, and Putin. With Israel, though, the politics are a lot more complicated - it's almost impossible to type the words "Tel Aviv" without wading into a confused chamber of rows stinking of racism, antisemitism, and bad-faith extrapolations in all directions. It's almost as if the politics of the Middle East is an easy thing to get drawn into, but becomes something of a quagmire should you look to leave.

If you'd like a calm, clear explanation of why holding Eurovision in Israel is fucked up, you could do a lot worse than read Abier Almasri's piece for Human Rights Watch. And if we are going to not pretend that we can't see where Eurovision is this year, maybe the best we can hope for is that as many voices like Abier's are amplified and help drown out the messages the Israeli government want to send.

If you're not looking for a calm, clear explanation of the politics of Eurovision 2019, though, you should send for Bobby Gillespie.

Bobby's already had something a red letter month. Denise Johnson tweeted this a few days back:

What a set of wank stains...

This artwork was going on a website where ALL proceeds were going to charity.
Some grass has alerted Primal Scream so now the record company's complained that it infringes copyright.
How can you fucking copyright colours?

And err.. Funkadelic? pic.twitter.com/iiSQgp1I2i

— Denise Johnson (@TheDJohnsonR3AL) May 14, 2019

And a couple of weeks earlier Gillespie did a fashion spread. Now, doing a fashion spread is one thing. But when you appear wearing a three thousand quid coat in a newspaper edited by George Fucking Osborne, you might have lost the moral high ground a bit.

So, things weren't looking good when he went onto Newsnight and was asked about Eurovision.

He served up a take so bad it's possible Ben Gurion and Yasser Arafat, watching it from their not-really-that-different-heavens, might be able to make common cause on yelling "shut up".

“Madonna would do anything for money"

- Primal Scream's Bobby Gillespie on Madonna performing in Tel Aviv at Eurovision.

Madonna has said she will “never stop playing music to suit someone’s political agenda" https://t.co/dIXMXIzVwU

MORE TONIGHT 22:30#newsnight #Eurovision pic.twitter.com/iRnpJk2TFE

— BBC Newsnight (@BBCNewsnight) May 17, 2019

"All of my heroes are Jewish" is both a refreshing reworking of "some of my friends are black", but also an amazing revelation about the Paint It Black era Rolling Stones.

But even before being awful about Israeli politics, Bobby has already been awful about Madonna.

To say "she's a prostitute" as a criticism, and then to rush out "not that there's anything wrong with being a prostitute" is perhaps the most radical attempt at a remix since Weatherall somehow shook Loaded out of I'm Losing More Than I'll Ever Have. You might think that Gillespie is a misogynistic arsehole - not, of course, that there's anything wrong with misogynistic arseholes. "She's a whore" was one of the most commonplace attacks Madonna had to weather during her early years, and as an insult says nothing about either Madonna or sexworkers, but a whole lot about the person hurling it.

It's less controversial to say that Madonna will do anything for money, but it's also not exactly revealing a hidden truth when one of the songs she's going to do tonight is The One From The Big Pepsi Commercial. It's also a bit much to take from someone who's just reissued Velocity Girl with a shiny new video, and promoted it in an article which contains the words "Givenchy jacket, £1,810; shirt, £476; trousers, £684 (givenchy.com). Gucci boots, £875 (gucci.com) (Drew Jarrett)" as the image caption.

So here we are, then: The attempts to protest Eurovision haven't brought down the Israeli regime, or even stopped the contest. But they have managed to destroy Primal Scream for us.

Which is something of a long way round saying: welcome to the No Rock & Roll Fun 2019 Eurovision Song Contest Liveblog.

We'll be back just before 8.00pm...

7.15pm
Have just realised the football starting at 5pm has robbed us of the chance for a Eurovision Pointless.

7.58
Here we go, then. The gap between the TV and the streaming version of BBC One is now so huge you could edit out a swear-filled rant from Shaun Ryder between one and the other.

8.00
Oh god. There's some business with a pretend plane kicking us off, apparently piloted by last year's winner.

Oh, and waving scouts.

8.04
I'd forgotten they'd introduced the 'having all the contestants walk on at the start' thing; to give you a chance to have completely forgotten what they look like by the time they actually come to the stage.

8.06
Dana International is looking fabulous, but it's not clear why she's got El Al cabin crew stood behind her.

The sound mix is terrible on this. Hopefully they;ll sort it out before the event proper gets under way.

It's time to meet the presenters . Four of them this year. Probably one is there solely to wrangle Madonna.

8.12
"This is our third date" says the bearded host to the host in a corset, "and you know what happens on a third date".

Well, that's awkward.

This bit of cut-up old presenters talking about how you vote is quite a nice touch.

8.14
They've added a new touch, we're warned. The intro videos are going to feature the contestants dancing.

"How about we open tonight's Grand Final?" Yes, you've been going for quarter of an hour already, please do get a crack on.

8.15
Malta: Michela – Chameleon

Michaela is wearing a cheap rain mac of the sort you buy at Alton Towers when you forget your anorak; with a denim top over it.

There's some very Primary School Teacher doing the lights for a play effects going on here. Sadly, thats the most interesting thing about the performance. The song is like a watered down version of Baltimora's Tarzan Boy.

At least it can only get better from here.

I say that, there's plenty of time for it to get worse.

"She'll be thrilled with that" observes Graham Norton. That makes one of her.

8.18
Albania: Jonida Maliqi – Ktheju tokës

Jonida is dancing in a pond.

She's performing from inside a crown of thorns, which is a provocative choice from Israeli State TV all things considered.

This sounds like it could be authentically Albanian, although I have no idea if that is the case.

Hang on, now it sounds like she's singing about Oreos.

8.20
They've added some fire to the stage set. Didn't improve Uncle Roy's barbecue party; didn't help this.

Czech Republic: Lake Malawi – Friend of a Friend

They could have made Lake Malawi stand in a pond for their dancing video, because that would have made more sense. Or at least a weak sight gag. Instead they appear to be dicking about on a wall.

Oh god, that drummer is clearly not playing that drum.

"He was my neighbour when we were 13" sings the grinning Pellow-like lead singer. I think we see where this is going.

I might be being unfair to the drummer; it could just be that he's six feet tall and using a kid's drum set. Perhaps he forgot his own drums, and that was all you can get in Tel Aviv on a Saturday? Is there a drumming animatronic bear at a kid's restaurant missing his kit?

8.27
Germany: S!sters – Sister

Oh, this isn't sisters like Buffy and Dawn. This is sisters like Shula and Elizabeth. The sort of sisters whose drama you wouldn't tune into if you were sat behind them on a long train journey. They're teating us to the sort of the thing that Elaine Paige and Barbara Dixon would have thrown out to test the mic levels.

The blonde one is wearing the 'sexy outfit', which looks like she's gone to a fancy dress shop and bought a 'sexy sexy outfit outfit'

8.30
Russia: Sergey Lazarev – Scream
Apparently did well in the public vote last time he appeared at Eurovision, says Graham.

Imagine that. Russia doing well in a public vote.

Sergey is dressed entirely in white, and singing in front of a BBC Micro rendering of a leap into Hyperspace.

Hold on, he's now standing in a shower.

This song is so slow, you'd be able to lead a funeral procession with it.

8.34
How can it only be 8.34? He's been singing this for an hour and a half.

Oh, we're up to a break already. A chance to talk to Jean Paul Gaultier for no apparent reason other than maybe Madonna?

Denmark: Leonora – Love Is Forever

This starts like it's going to be Orinoco Flow and then quickly morphs into the sort of plinky-plonky song that they might use in a Nationwide commercial.

"Don't get too political" she sings, confusing the instructions taped to the side of the stage with her autocue.

It's a testament to how poor this evening has been that this is the best thing we've had so far.

Leonora is climbing up a ladder from which a young version of Albert Steptoe is hanging off.

8.40
San Marino: Serhat – Say Na Na Na

"This song took five minutes to write" reveals Graham. Very little of that spent on coming up with a title.

Another all-white outfit.

"Be strong - look at me" says the background. I mean, you're no oil painting Serhat, but I don't think it's fair to say you'd need superpowers to gaze at you.

The backing dancer blokes have forgotten to put their strides on.

8.44
North Macedonia: Tamara Todevska – Proud

Tamara presents a challenge. Is she meant to have an asymmetric bob, or does she just have a bad hairdresser?

The lyric so far is generic "say it proud and loud" stuff, which was pretty much the message of the last one. Given we're in a Contest where participants have been told to ensure they shut the fuck up, that's a little ironic.

I keep expecting this song to kick up a gear. It is running out of time to find that gear.

Nope. No new gear. She just shouts a bit.

8.48
Another break. Pencilled on beard man is throwing to commercials. Corset woman is sitting with the Maltese singer, who is being more animated than she was during her performance.

Pencil beard is with the German sisters. They don't entertain him with their claim they see each other as queens, so he heads off to someone else.

8.50
Graham's done the toast to the ghost of Terry Wogan.

Sweden: John Lundvik – Too Late for Love

Starts off dangerously close to Curiosity Killed The Cat's Name and Number, but then shifts into standard Eurovisionballadry. Oh, and then shifts again into a standard Euro pumper..

"Everything reminds me of your face" says John. What, everything? Doing the bins? Nigel Farage on the telly? A dead badger mouldering slightly in the drizzle on the side of the A37? Really, John?

Backing singers channeling off-Broadway performance of Sister Act energy.

8.55
Slovenia: Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl – Sebi

They met on Instagram, warns Graham. Okay, Slovenia: double influencer power is go.

They're wearing all white, of course. Is tonight sponsored by Persil?

She's looking at him as she sings with the eyes of someone who had been promised everything would be alright and doesn't believe that any more.

Yeah, they're going to do this whole song staring at each other. This feels awkward.

She's pawing him now. This is just the ten minute freeview, isn't it?

8.59
Cyprus: Tamta – Replay

When Tumblr axed all the adult content on their platform, the deleted posts came to life. And they came to life as Tamta, with her 'rustle up your own PVC costume' approach.

The song are two verses of nothingness held together by a chorus of a robot marching downstairs.

"You're stuck on me, darling". Yeah, you'll get that if you don't use enough talc with your PVC.

9.03
The Netherlands: Duncan Laurence – Arcade

The favourite to win tonight.

But first, a quick look back at Slovenia as seen on Twitter:

[turns on subtitles]
[turns off subtitles]#Eurovision pic.twitter.com/ihu0Ti8UGD

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) May 18, 2019

Back to the Dutch. Well, at least Duncan isn't wearing white, but he has bought a keyboard which is both too large and too small at the same time.

"My mind feels like a foreign land, silence ringing in my head" sings Duncan, and boy, does a foriegn country where it's quiet sound like a real treat compared with this year's song.

9.07
Greece: Katerine Duska – Better Love

Kat is doing some stuff in a library for her dance video, which must be annoying for people trying to use the library. I know libraries aren't all "shush" and "no noise" any more but you've got to draw a line somewhere, surely?

Florence And The Machine That Needs New Batteries, isn't it?

Oh, there are people fencing on stage. I hope they're really good at fencing. (Secretly thinking: it'd be amusing if they're not really good at fencing).

Kat reaches for a high note with confidence. Misplaced confidence.

"Burning feeling inside" she trills. Mmm. Try yoghurt for that.

9.11
Halfway point. Of the songs. Just of the songs.

Time for the home team.

Israel: Kobi Marimi – Home

Jesus Christ alive, that bust of Lionel Richie from the Hello video has been animated and thrown on the stage.

Is that a metal bow tie he's wearing?

Well, I think we can rest assured that a year hence Newsnight isn't going to be asking the lead singer of The Bluetones what they think about the occupation of the Palestinian territories.

Oh, he's crying.

9.16
Norway: KEiiNO – Spirit in the Sky

Presumably this isn't going to be the Norman Greenbaum one.

Why is Nick Tilsley off Corrie pretending to be Norwegian here?

He's just been joined by cabaret-tribute-to-mid-period-Madonna.

Oh, and a third voice provided by Varys, who has time on his hands now he's been burned off Game Of Thrones.

Ooooh I love love love their giant stag. The giant stag is the best thing so far.

9.20
United Kingdom: Michael Rice – Bigger than Us
Michael's used to the big occasions, having won that awful singing thing with Geri Halliwell and Rob Beckett in front of an audience of at least two dozen.

"It's bigger than us. It's bigger than You And Me." Yeah, but we'd rather be watching Crow and Alice.

This isn't a terrible song, and on the evidence so far, it's a lot less terrible than many of the other terrible songs we've heard. It doesn't deserve to win, but it deserves to do a lot better than it actually will wind up doing.

9.24
Another break. This time they've made the contestants come to the hosts. This is what they call a format tweak.

They're asking the guy from San Marino what he'll do if he wins, which is that level of cruelty you get when they ask people on Pointless who have offered no credible answers how they'll spend the jackpot "if by chance" they find a Pointless answer.

9.27
This is what we've waited for.
Iceland: Hatari – Hatrið mun sigra

Now, THIS is how you do a BDSM performance. It's like mid 80s Martin Gore has been brought on to do the visuals, while Skinny Puppy have chucked in the tune. VOTE FOR THIS WITH ALL YOUR LIFE.

Extra points for the prancing gimp.

"Verfur lyga" they snarl, and I don't think that's their safeword.

9.31
Estonia: Victor Crone – Storm

Poor Victor Crone, having to follow that. I'm not sure they'll even have had time to mop the lube up yet.

Victor has come on after the sex people with the air of Ralph McTell the week Alphabet Zoo reached the letter Q and the format's weakness has just revealed itself to him.

"When it all calms down, we'll be safe and sound" sings Victor, making a love song sound like a Protect And Survive leaflet.

9.35
Belarus: ZENA – Like It

This year's favourite for the 'send the show to somewhere problematic' option.

"Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Paris Hilton. And Paris Hilton will be being Gwen Steffani."

To be fair to Zena, this is the first song tonight that sounds like it would fit in the current Top 40. I mean, not the Top 10 or the 20, but it could certainly hold its head up down in the lower 30s.

9.38
Azerbaijan: Chingiz – Truth

Takes some balls for someone who has a Jimmy Hill style protrusion to go on stage with a name that starts with Chin.

He's being operated on by one of the robots that used to build Fiat cars back in the 1980s for some reason that isn't entirely clear.

Hats off for making "shut up about it" a hook, though. And "I'm in the mirror/so fucking bitter" is a great line. This isn't offensive.

Oh, and the massive head from the Space Sentinels has popped up to do backing vocals.

"She is a killer with that freaking perfume." Yeah, we've all been sat behind someone like that on a plane.

9.43
France: Bilal Hassani – Roi

Imagine if a PSE lesson was made flesh. Yeah. Like that.

"Only you can choose who you want to be" says the backdrop. John Whiterow'll have something to say about that in the morning.

Anyone else get the feeling that France felt the message of their song got lost last year and this time they're not taking any chances? #eurovision

— Steven Perkins (@stevenperkins) May 18, 2019

Graham Norton: "this show gives exposure to people who wouldn't normally get this sort of exposure". Mmm, this is true. Oh, if only you were in a position to allow people like that on the TV more often, Graham . eh?

9.48
Italy: Mahmood – Soldi

Mahmood's shirt is made from wallpaper found in an Indian restaurant which closed in 1984. He's also still got his housekeys on a long chain dangling from his waist.

He looks really, really angry. Oh my god, and they've just flashed "it hurts to be alive" on the wall. This is all really uplifting, then.

9.51
Serbia: Nevena Božović – Kruna

Nevena is the only person who's bothered to hire an evening dress for the show. She's singing a song which sounds like it could be about her recent divorce.

Meanwhile, Twitter is still talking about Italy:

"Those are the ugliest shoes I've ever seen. Anyway, wanna have sex?"#Eurovision #ita pic.twitter.com/cM8EoOulTc

— Holly Brockwell (@holly) May 18, 2019

9.55
Switzerland: Luca Hänni – She Got Me

Luca is sexy, in a 'I haven't had it for a while and you clearly know your way round a zipper' sort of way. The sort of sexy that does quite well as the clock edges towards closing time.

He's singing a song about "the kind of woman that mama likes", and so it's possible he's just helping his mum get back on the dating scene.

The chorus is just repeating Dirty Dancin', which is just lazy. I bet there was a draft where he was going to be shouting out "Top Gun".

9.59
Australia: Kate Miller-Heidke – Zero Gravity

At last, I suppose, we've come to terms with Australia being in Eurovision. So let's not pretend we never learn anything year on year.

Proving their commitment to Eurovision, Kate is wearing a headpiece based on the 1970s Eurovision logo. She's singing on the top of the globe. Maybe thats a nod to the 1970s BBC One ident? Are we going to see her spinning off on a flying Y, like Dusty Bin at the start of 3-2-1?

When you're thinking about Ted Rogers, it's a sign that the song isn't very catchy, for all the cheap operatic trilling thrown at it.

Now on a massive pole, like Simon Stylites.

10.03
Spain: Miki – La Venda

We're nearly there. One last push. Oh, Miki, will you be so fine, so fine you'll blow our minds?

Good use of the old Celebrity Squares set here, Miki.

This is impressive. Lots of colours. Lots of energy. Lots of bounce. And a body popping whicker man. It's the polar opposite of Iceland. It's the sound of optimism. It's not bad.

10.07
Pencil beard is calling for a toast - "I don't drink, sorry" he says, as if it's impossible to toast with anything other than alcohol. Unless he doesn't drink any liquids at all. Maybe he's on a drip.

Goggles, foil dress and corset have just opened the voting. So time for the last couple of hours of our lives to flash before our eyes again.

10.16
"It's a scientific fact" says tinfoil dress "that we're more alike than we are different".

Is it, though?

Conchita Wurst has been dragged out on stage again, dressed a little bit Frankie Goes To Accessorise.

10.21
We're now balls deep in singers you've forgotten winning doing songs you'd forgotten won.

Oh hang out - this one didn't even win. It's last year's forgettable second place song.

10.24
And, yes, I'm afraid I haven't forgotten the Christopher Biggins Cybermen, who are back too.

Pencil beard is bringing Gali Atari on stage now. You remember. From 1979.

10.27
In the BBC Newsroom, Clive Myrie glances at the screen, sighs, and puts on an eye mask. It's going to be a while until he's going to be needed.

Graham Norton is reading out a really long list of names of people who are having parties. It's like listening to Junior Choice.

10.34
Oh god Madonna's wearing the eyepatch.

She's just said "everyone here is from all over the world".

Oh, Jesus, she's making the crowd chant "music makes the people come together". You know, from the one that had Ali G in the video.

10.37
Sweet hell, she's not even the next act. They've brought on one of Israel's most celebrated musical performers. The Idan Raichael Project, apparently. He's shouting out "make some noise", and - to be fair - getting more response than Madge did.

10.41
"Do you know what Eurovision is?" Goggles man asks Quaver. His eyes scream back "if I knew, do you think I'd have come?"

Over in the green room, meanwhile, a mindreader has turned up. It's like a shit bit from a Paul Daniels.

10.44
This is not a trick; if you ask anyone to name a Eurovision winner they will always choose Waterloo by Abba.

"Don't let all the fun distract you" says Pencil Beard.

To help with the fun not distracting you, they've dragged last year's winner back to do her new song. It's like a cold cut found outside a Palomar Faith recording session.

10.49
Foil dress, who is no longer in a foil dress, appears to hit on Netta. She is rebuffed. "I'll do my walk of shame then" says foil dress. But... you'd only do a walk of shame if you'd not been rebuffed.

This hasn't been though through.

We still have two songs from Madonna before we even get to the voting bit. Somehow I don't think we're going to be done by 11pm tonight.

Good to see he’s over the Watford result. pic.twitter.com/QYbBRZgrpP

— Adam Devlin (@ad_I_am) May 18, 2019

Good to see he’s over the Watford result. pic.twitter.com/QYbBRZgrpP

— Adam Devlin (@ad_I_am) May 18, 2019

10.55
Finally, we're getting the chance to see Madonna. This is so late, the pub Bobby Gillespie was planning to storm out of has already called last orders.

10.56
Oh, look, it's the Total Eclipse Of The Heart video.

Jesus, Madonna missing notes. This is quite bad.

Why is she doing this silly accent?

Gingerly picking her way down the stairs.

I suppose at least nobody knows or cares what the new one is meant to sound like, so it won't be as disappointing.

10.59
This is so bad. "Your voice can take me there", perhaps, but unfortunately Madonna's voice can't get you there.

Now about to do a cover of Frank Muir's Fruit and Nut adverts.

Erm, people with gas masks dying on stage perhaps a bit ill-considered given the circumstances of this contest.

Quaver's on stage, doing quite a bit of the heavy lifting.

11.03
This is what she chose to do from the new album. You wonder what the rest of it is like. But not so much that you'd fire up Spotify.

Oh, a tiny Palestinian flag on the back of one of the dancers. Well, Madonna, that's certainly answered the critics there.

11.06
At last, the voting is over.

Clive Myrie is heading out to get a burger.

We now seem to be getting a message from the Tel Aviv tourist board delivered by Gal Gadot. What can YOU do with three minutes in Tel Aviv?

11.09
Goggles and Pencil Beard are behind a table ready for the scores to come in.

We all want the scores.

Portugal are up first, doing the 'who has two thumbs' stance - 12 to Netherlands

Azerbaijan have the narrowest tie in the world. 12 to Russia.

Malta's Ben is someone waiting for a Grindr hook-up: 12 to Italy

North Macedonia stares nervously into space. 12 to Italy.

11.14
San Marino have spent their entire 2018 GDP on that necklace. 12 again to Italy.

Italy heading out into the lead. UK still on a solid zero.

Netherlands have thrown a boa on to stop the cold biting. Sweden get their 12.

Montenegro's off-the-shoulder dress looks more like they couldn't afford the whole thing. 12 to Serbia.

Estonia appear to be doing their bit via Skype. 12 to Sweden.

Poland's turn next. He's posing for a 1980s dating video. 12 to Australia. This is quite jerky voting.

11.18
Alex James left in the washing machine turns up to do Norway. 12 go to Czech Republic. The UK have got our fist point

Spain have got a beautiful dress on; 12 to Sweden.

Austria's perky bloke has an equality t-shirt. 12 to North Macedonia.

Italy are in the lead.

Rylan! Rylan! Hey - how are you in London when you were in Tel Aviv yesterday? Did you really fly home to do this bit? UK's 12 to Macedonia.

11.21
Confusingly, Italy have got the Eiffel Tower tattooed on their arm. Denmark get their 12.

Albania have rolled their sleeves up for this one. They give 12 to North Macedonia again. They're starting to firm up a lead.

Hungary have shown up in an old thornproof. 12 to the Czech Republic.

Moldova give 12 to Macedonia.

Ireland are glittery; 12 to Sweden.

Belarus are being attacked by crows. They've given 12 to Israel which has lifted the hosts from being a solid zero.

God alone knows where Armenia got that outfit. 12 to Sweden.

UK on 11 now, which is probably few than we deserve, but more than we'd expect.

Romania got dressed in the dark, and is yodelling. 12 to Asutralia.

11.28
Cyprus is as you'd expect. 12 to Greece. Who would have guessed, eh?

We're about halfway through. So they've gone to commercials.

11.31
Australia kick off the second half. They've got two people to deliver the scores, but one does have sticks in their head. 12 to Sweden.

Russia (I wish the hosts didn't always sound slightly uncertain when they say who's coming next). Oh, he's playing the fucking piano. Clive Myrie is sobbing into his pillow. 12 to Azerbaijan.

Germany's Barbara looks like the woman on the front of all German magazines. She's pretending to be Australian. 12 to Italy.

Belgium is the ghost of George Michael and loves Madonna. So that's one person, then. 12 to Italy.

North Macedonia are heading out into a commanding lead.

Sweden is wearing pyjamas. 12 to the Netherlands.

Croatia send kisses from Zagreb and give 12 to Italy.

11.37
Lithuania's "12 Points To Go" tshirt is probably funny if you're Lithuanian. 12 to The Netherlands

The UK hasn't picked up a point for quite a while now.

Serbia are ready to fire a shotgun, but stylishly. 12 to North Macedonia.

Iceland's jacket might be an electronic circuit. 12 to Sweden.

Georgia have broken off from pouring the wine at a wedding to give 12 to the Czechs.

Greece are doing a tribute to Bill And Ted. 12 to Cyprus. The booing when Cyprus gave Greece 12 is reprised.

Latvia want to yack on about music being a universal language. 12 to the Netherlands.

11.41
Czech Republic do a lot of waving. 12 to Sweden.

Denmark really looks like you'd hope. 12 to Sweden

France are chic, in an Amelie sort of way, though disappointingly don't have the Tower of Pisa tattooed on their arm. 12 to the Netherlands.

Christopher has a natty windcheater. 12 to Sweden. Every time he gets 12, John Lundvick does a pose which is meant to look greatful but screams 'heart murmur'

Switzerland have sent Bill AND Ted. 12 to North Macedonia.

Slovenia know they're coming late so have pulled out the stops - 12 to the Czechs.

Last jury vote is Israel and the last 12 to the Netherlands.

So at this stage, Sweden have overhauled North Macedonia. The UK has 13, and aren't quite bottom.

11.48
Clive Myrie's last tube has left.

Bring on the popular vote.

Apparently we've got to have some waffle.

A lot of waffle.

The public have given the UK three points. Or "the bum's rush" as it's known.

11.51
Yep, UK solid bottom whatever happens now.

Germany got nothing at all, though.

Norway have got over 200 and jumped from lower arse of the board to the top.

Iceland flashing Palestinian flags as their score comes through.

Italy take the lead, but Netherlands, Sweden and Macedonia to go.

North Macedonia only got 58 points. Blimey. That's brutal.

Midnight

It's fucking Sunday.

And they're dragging this out.

Sweden only get 93 points. And the look on his face.

So the Netherlands win.

Their first win since 1975.

Duncan Lawrence takes the stage to belt out the song with the credits rushing over it. Over an hour late. I suppose we shouldn't have expected Israel to respect the boundaries of the schedule.

Oh dear. How has limp Coldplay won this? Ugh. 💤😴💤😴💤  #eurovision2019

— Shawndra 🦔 (@Shawndrarara) May 18, 2019

Duncan asking the audience to "sing it", as if they might have been able to remember any aspect of his song.

12.10
So, what have we learned? Greece and Cyprus are the only countries who are prepared to run the risk of booing through mutual back-scratching. Madonna's voice has gone to shit. The UK got the result it didn't deserve but should have expected. And at least next year we might be able to avoid holding a silly song contest in a human rights disaster zone.

Pharrell Williams Woolworths deal attracts crowds

Pharrell is off to play South Africa. A few years back, choosing to play South Africa would have brought out massive crowds demanding the event be boycotted.

And, actually, that's what's happening this time, as Pharrell has done a deal with Woolworths. Because the South African retailer sources some of its stock from Israel, Woolworths has been a target for protests from Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) Against Israel. And because Pharrell is co-promoting a thing with Woolworths, he's now become part of the target:

“He is about to face the biggest backlash any artist has faced in South Africa in over 30 years, since the days of apartheid,” said Braam Hanekom, a BDS South Africa board member.

“He is walking into a very angry, unhappy environment because he has chosen to walk with Woolworths,” Hanekom told Reuters after the City of Cape Town denied an application by thousands to protest at Pharrell's first concert on September 21.

The rejection of the protest request won't stop the protests; it just means they're going to take a different form.

Apparently Israeli police have time to spend on Madonna leaks

Great to hear that things are so quiet in the Middle East these days that the Israeli police force have so little to do they're taking part in raids against someone accused of leaking Madonna songs:

The person allegedly responsible for that hack and leak was arrested in Israel on Wednesday after a joint operation by Israeli police and the FBI. Adi Lederman, 38, was charged with hacking into Madonna's computer and stealing files including the unreleased music.

Apparently Lederman had taken part in a TV singing competition along the lines of The X Factor, although there doesn't appear to be any connection between the two crimes.

Madonna has issued a statement, which appears to confuse 'being charged' with 'being convicted':

"I am profoundly grateful to the FBI, the Israeli Police investigators and anyone else who helped lead to the arrest of this hacker. I deeply appreciate my fans who have provided us with pertinent information and continue to do so regarding leaks of my music. Like any citizen, I have the right to privacy. This invasion into my life - creatively, professionally, and personally remains a deeply devastating and hurtful experience, as it must be for all artists who are victims of this type of crime."

Psst, Madonna - didn't you describe the massive sales of the rush-released music as a "miracle"? Didn't that offset the deep devastation even a little?

Tony Orlando on the international stage

Here's a surprise: Tony Orlando, out of Dawn, has pushed his way into the story of the kidnapped Israeli teenagers.

It's a little odd, but Orlando's concern is clearly genuine. And it's not like he'd be so tactless as to try and make cheesy references to his old novelty hit, is it?

Referencing one of his biggest hits “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree”, Orlando told the press assembled outside the home that he intends to urge Americans to demonstrate their own support by tying three yellow ribbons for each of the missing teens.

Oh.

Coming tomorrow: Brotherhood Of Man attempt to prevent the fall of Baghdad by encouraging Isis to save all their kisses for them.

Morrissey goes to the Middle East

Tucked into his grumbling about the Olympics yesterday was also a brief word or two from Morrissey about his recent Tel Aviv tour.

Now, playing a gig in Israel is a highly charged thing for a foreign artist to do. The usual form is for a band to book a date, receive flak for doing so, and then invent a dentist's appointment or a plectrum shortage in order to cancel. (I'm looking at you, Pixies.)

Elvis Costello was acute when he axed his 2010 Israel mini-tour - he said that merely playing there would be "interpreted as a political act", that whatever your motives, whatever your personal beliefs, whatever the make-up of the audience to which you play, it does make you seem a bit ambivalent about what's going on in the occupied territories.

Morrissey is a man who can't talk about taking a stroll down the Old Kent Road without it ending up a years-long legal battle over whether he's racist or not, so he doesn't seem to be the best-placed person to navigate this region of raw emotions and subtle inference.

But he had a go, with Tablet Magazine recording his reasoning:

“There is no point punishing a nation for something that the leader of the country does or says. Look at Syria.”

That seems fair enough, although obviously Israel is a parliamentary democracy and Syria has only just thought of trying adding more than one party to ballot papers, which makes it a little bit different. There's a way for the Israelis to voice their disapproval with their government that isn't open to the people of Syria; it's just most of them don't use it.

But at least he indicates - although not in his usual, forthright, take-no-prisoners, I-say-it-as-I-see-it-Elsie-Tanner style - that there is a problem, that there's something the politicians are up to. But he is here for the people, not those in power. This isn't about fawning over those in power.

Hang about a moment, what was that he said in his statement?

Thank you to the city of Tel-Aviv for granting me the Keys to their city. I just might die with a smile on my face, after all.

Oh.

But maybe it was the citizens who gave him the keys? Do you know, Huffington Post?

The former The Smiths star was in the city for a gig on Saturday and during his visit he was presented with the Key to the City by Mayor Ron Huldai.

Oh.

Still, if there's one saving grace from this, it's that his earlier career slip-ups will have taught Morrissey to avoid going on stage and wrapping himself in a contentious flag sending out mixed and confusing messages in a tinder-dry atmopshere.

Right?

Oh.

Of course, Morrissey couldn't spend very long taking advantage of his new-found freedom to prance around Tel Aviv draped in the Israeli flag, as he had to come back to Britain to warn us about the dangers of cheap patriotism at the Olympics.

Tripadvisor apparently not good enough for Bono

Bono popped over to Jerusalem and stayed in a swish hotel.

Rather than spending the time like a normal person, forcing towels into his suitcase and moaning about the sachets of UHT milk, he dashed off a little poem:

The poem Bono left behind at the King David Hotel in Jerusalem. What are the 3 words above the dog? "Reading Am ..."? twitter.com/bethandbono/st…

— bethandbono (@bethandbono) April 18, 2012

I think they'd have preferred a tenner slipped onto the bedside table, but still, it's quite a nice gesture.

Obviously it's not a very good poem, and it's horrible overwritten, relying on clunking imagery to fumble towards a big political theme. But that's how you can be sure it's a genuine Bono work and not a forgery.

[Thanks to Michael M]

Pixies: I am a banned Andalousian

So, last week, the Pixies decided they'd rather not play that festival in Tel Aviv.

The Israelis were surprisingly upset:

“I am full of both sorrow and pain,” wrote [promoter] Shuki Weiss, “in light in light of the fact that our repeated attempts to present quality acts and festivals in Israel have increasingly been falling victim to what I can only describe as a form of cultural terrorism which is targeting Israel and the arts worldwide.”

You'd think coming from a country which has been the victim all-too-often of actual terrorism, you might think twice before throwing the word round like that. Apart from anything, 'not being able to see Kim Deal on stage' might seem a small thing to put on a par with 'having your face blown off on a subway train'.

Still, Weiss was upset, so perhaps the kindest thing to do is accept that she was caught in the heat of the moment. It'd be unfair to hold her lazy and offensive use of "terrorist" against her.

After all, it's not like anyone is going to be so thick as to actually interpret 'canceling a gig' as if it was an actual terrorist act, right? You'd have to be...

Sorry, what was that you Canadian was saying?

The Canadian government announced that it is putting the alternative rock band The Pixies on its list of “terrorist organizations” after the group cancelled its upcoming trip to Israel in the wake of the Gaza Flotilla affair.

Immigration Minister Jason Kenney told reporters today, “Terrorism anywhere and in any form, whether it be physical, moral, verbal, mental or cultural is abhorrent to this government.”

To offer a thin piece of hope, I've not been able to find any news agency reporting this move, so let's hope it's all an attempt at wit that has got out of hand.

Another supporter of the move was Peter Kent, Minister of State for Foreign Affairs (Americas), who said in an interview, “If the Pixies want to boycott Israel, then Canada is at war with the Pixies.”

Asked if he was familiar with the Pixies’ music, Kent replied that this was not germane to his decision. “I’m not familiar with [Hizbollah leader] Nasrallah’s sermons but I know a terrorist when I see one.”

Although, by his own admission, Kent hasn't seen the Pixies.

If Kent does have this amazing ability to tell who is a terrorist just by looking at them, why don't they have him in airports? You could save a fortune in scanners and security.

If this story is true, does Doolittle now constitutes 'terrorist materials' if you go north of the Great Lakes?

UPDATE: Yes, it turns out it was an attempt at wit on the part of Professor Larry Haiven, who wrote the piece. Kieran's Review spoke to him:

It was a joke, but uh, it was close enough to what’s true, that is somewhat believable.

What wasn't funny, though: the Israeli quote isn't fabricated.

Lebanese activists call for Placebo ban

Placebo's decision to press ahead with a gig in Israel shortly after the IDF had shot some people in the head for trying to take aid to Gaza has caused a bit of upset in Lebanon.

Which is unfortunate, as they're meant to be playing Lebanon tomorrow. Not if Samah Idriss has his way, though:

'You are not welcome in Lebanon,' Lebanese writer and editor Samah Idriss said at a news conference jointly held by five non-governmental organisations on the eve of the concert in Beirut.

'The band must choose either to play in Lebanon or to play in a state that continuously violates rights,' Mr Idriss said on behalf of the groups, which include the Campaign to Boycott Israeli Supporters in Lebanon and the Campaign for the Lebanese Boycott of Zionism.

Hang about: it's one thing to worry about Placebo playing Israel, but if they're going to have to choose between not playing Lebanon or not playing states which show a bit of a disregard for people's rights, that's going to limit the number of tour dates they can look forward to. Most of the Americas, pretty much all of Europe and Africa, and more or less Australasia as a whole would be out.

Still, these are dangerous times, but surely Brian Molko is a communicator skilled enough to defuse the situation and show that Placebo take these things seriously:

rian Molko announced his 'endorsement' of Israel in an interview. The interviewer then asked if it was important to have Israel's endorsement these days, to which Molko quipped: 'Yeah, if you want to go sailing.' Molko's comment showed Placebo 'ignored the massacre last week against the Freedom Flotilla and went even further, announcing their support for Israel,' Rana al-Masri, one of the activists spearheading the boycott campaign, told AFP.

Possibly not the best time for the trademark quips, Brian.

The focus of the protests is that Tel Aviv festival, which we'd been led to believe Placebo wouldn't be playing. But apparently did.