First they came for Zoe... now they've come for Rav

Last week, the Sunday Mirror redesign buried Showbiz Zoe deep into the site; this week, it's Rav who finds himself not-very-subtly downplayed in the new News of the World layout.

Mind you, as he's punting a story claiming that Paul McCartney has asked Stella how she'd feel if he took Nancy Shevell as "the third Mrs. Macca". He used those exact words, too.

Worse, though: At the foot of the article Rav drops this:

Visit my pal Perez Hilton's great website. But be warned: It's outrageous!

Rav's "pal" Perez Hilton, huh? That'd be like the way Alistair Darling is chums with George Bush, would it? Still, better to push a knackered old American gossip site than, say, suggest people read Gordon's column, eh?

Gordon in the morning: Kylie sniffs the Stars and Stripes

A perfectly workmanlike piece from the awkwardly-suited one today, reporting Kylie's latest attempt to crack America.

Supposedly, Robbie 'not that he'd be eaten up with jealousy or anything' Williams has been trying to warn her off:

A source revealed: “Kylie has spoken about it with Robbie. He told her he loves being largely unknown when he’s at home in the States, while cash rolls in from the rest of the world.

“Robbie thinks she should keep the US as a place she can go to escape the spotlight. But Kylie doesn’t agree and has decided on one final push.”

Unfortunately, merely typing the words 'Robbie Williams' distracts Smart, who spends the last quarter of the article running through the David Icke/UFOs stories again. In fact, he even forgets to reach any conclusion about Kylie at all.

Meanwhile, the quality of headlines hits a new low this morning. That picture of Paul McCartney and Nancy Shevell on the beach?

I do like divorcee by the seaside

It doesn't even scan.

Now that Heather Mills is firmly outside the McCartney organisation, the Sun has hardened its stance against her. Out goes "Mucca" and coy references to "her porn past", now she's:

ex-porn model Heather Mills

Clearly, being a porn model is a bad thing. Erm, unless you enter one the Sun's repeated 'become a Page 3 girl' competitions, in which case being a porn model is a desirable career move.

Gordon also throws in another Amy Winehouse story, suggesting she wants to move house for the third time in a year. Which, erm, is quite odd for a recluse, isn't it?

Macca's new friend: It turns out she's evil

Blimey, it didn't take long for The Sun to fall out of love with Nancy Shevell, the woman who Paul McCartney has had breakfast, nudge-nudge, with.

From somewhere, a twenty-year-old allegation that her father may or may not have paid some money to the mob has been dredged up by the paper. There was a lawsuit in 1988, but since that was settled without anyone being convicted of doing anything wrong, the Sun falls back on this powerful piece of evidence:

[Mike Shevell] operates from his HQ in Elizabeth, New Jersey – setting for The Sopranos TV show.

Aha. From the same state as fictional mafia characters. That's pretty compelling evidence. In the same way, of course, The Sun has its offices in London - setting for The Master's psychopathic attempts to take over the world. Makes you think, eh?

Presumably at the moment someone is trying to work up something that combines Mafia with the Mucca-Macca model.

You'll have to decide how much of this one to believe for yourself

The Sun returns this morning to its pictures of Paul McCartney kissing a US Republican, telling us that it ruined Heather Mills' day:

HEATHER Mills was in a “blind rage” yesterday over The Sun’s photo of Sir Paul McCartney kissing a millionairess.

She rang Macca for a showdown, claiming their daughter Beatrice, four, recognised him on our front page with lawyer’s wife Nancy Shevell.

Really? Heather Mills, who last week was on TV on both sides of the Atlantic fuming at the way The Sun publishes misrepresentations and lies has the paper delivered, and shows it to her four year-old daughter. Someone's telling porkies; it just doesn't really matter who as all parties are erratically unreliable.

The Sun also makes room for this:

HEATHER took Beatrice to Disneyland Paris at the weekend — and saw a show about witches.

Dad-of-two Chris Owen, 28, of Derby — who snapped them with a minder — said: “They were watching the Pink Witches and laughing.

“Heather filmed with a video camera. They had a great time.”

They run a picture, although clearly they're aware this is all a little pointless, as the picture doesn't get the "Our LAWYERS ARE WATCHI1NGG!!!1!" treatment. Did they solely put this in the paper to get with word "witches" in the same sentence as Heather's name?

McCartney hugs a mate

The Sun has worked itself into something of a froth over a photo of Paul McCartney kissing a woman he knows. So frothy are they, they've actually made the photo totally useless, slapping a big Sun logo all over it and putting that pathetic "our lawyers are watching" into the picture.

And the lawyers, clearly, are watching, as the article which accompanies the picture doesn't actually draw its own conclusions. Sure, it hints that there's something going on between McCartney and Nancy Shevell:

Macca and the married cracker

... but the paper doesn't actually get beyond innuendo and lead-covered hints:

They chatted warmly over breakfast and shared late-night dinners and cocktails at restaurants.

Chatting warmly? Having dinner together? What could you be hinting at?

Macca was also seen shopping at an exclusive lingerie store before meeting the classy socialite.

Good lord... are you trying to tell us that Paul McCartney wears women's underwear?

Still, married, eh? So... there's some sort of homewrecking going on here, then?

Nancy is vice president of her wealthy family’s successful transport firm based in Elizabeth, New Jersey. She was known as Nancy Shevell Blakeman but has recently dropped her husband’s name.

So, she's married in sort-of the same way that Paul McCartney is, technically, married, then?

So, this story is: Paul McCartney has a female friend.

Curiously, by the way, this story is itself as estranged as its central characters, with Victoria 'showbiz editor' Newton leading with, erm, which tatty babe calendar is the "sexiest".

Meanwhile, Heather Mills has been continuing her campaign to stop the press ripping people's reputations to shreds by, erm, telling Hello what a bastard McCartney is:

“This is a man that hangs on to his money. He wouldn’t be as rich if he didn’t.

“Who needs that kind of money?”

Aha. You might have thought McCartney was rich because The Beatles back catalogue still earns him a small fortune every year, but it's actually because he hasn't spent a happorth since 1962. Perhaps when the Sun says he shared cocktails with Nancy Shevell they really do mean he ordered a Slippery Nipple and two straws.

There is something dark at the heart of Shevell's story, though:

She wed Bruce Blakeman, a commissioner of the New York Port Authority and a partner in a top New York law firm, in 1984 – and they have a teenage son, Arlen.

The couple, seen in New York society as a powerful political team, are both active Republicans and donated money to George Bush’s presidential campaign in 2004.

Ewww, Paul. How could you?