Richard Desmond plots an impossible dream

With his hands almost certainly to grab Channel Five, Richard Desmond has plans. The former wankmagnate and current owner of porn TV channels has a dream, according to MediaGuardian:

Richard Desmond has told colleagues he would like to revive Top of the Pops, which was shelved by the BBC in 2006 after 42 years, if he buys Five. He wants to create a series of landmark shows in peak time and believes a live music programme would win a big audience.

Except, of course, Top Of The Pops didn't win a big audience, which was why the BBC shelved it. Mind you, what was underperformance for BBC One and Two might look like a golden jewel amongst... whatever it is that Channel Five does these days. Is it still showing Fast Forward?

The other problem is that Top Of The Pops isn't actually in play. MediaGuardian speculates:

If he does press ahead with plans for a music show, Desmond may simply dust down the format and choose a different name.

Ah. So rather than brining back Top Of The Pops, effectively Desmond is planning to rebuild The Roxy.

It's official: Victoria Beckham isn't a bitch

Star magazine - Richard Desmond's low-heat Heat - has apologised to Victoria Beckham for calling her a grade-a bitch, after running a piece which quoted ay unflattering length complaints about her from the crew of her US TV reality series.

Unfortunately, as the series hadn't started taping at this point, there wasn't much to defend the story with:

[Beckham's Lawyer Gerrard Tyrrell] said Star magazine had agreed to pay substantial damages and Beckham's legal costs and undertaken not to repeat the defamation.

Lawyer Salayha Hussein, acting for Northern & Shell, told the high court that her client accepted that all the allegations to which Mr Tyrrell referred were untrue.

Ms Hussein added: "The defendant apologises to Ms Beckham for the distress and embarrassment caused to her and are happy to give the undertaking referred to above."

Tittle-tattle sheet

MediaGuardian has got hold of a dummy copy of Richard 'Wanko' Desmond's new Evening Mail - intended to be given away to commuters at London Stations, assuming any survive the journey on the underground - and leaving aside that it looks like some harrassed designer has been trying to approximate the feel of a loss making Shropshire weekly paper from the 70's, the most curious thing is the fake story on the front - that the west end loves Madonna (or "please like us, celebrity" begs newspaper publisher) and a frankly puzzling fascination with the Cheeky Girls.

So, not only can we cope with snow better than the capital, but us lot in the provinces can take pride that we're smarter than the apparent average Londoner.