Gordon in the morning: Jokes have now peaked

Bad news for Dave channel; close down Jongleurs, for comedy has reached an apex and from now, there is only the opportunity to make jokes that are in decline.

The time of this moment in human history was one of The Stone Roses pension fund shows:

STONE Roses hero Mani had Rio Ferdinand in stitches with a cheeky tribute to his beloved Manchester United.

If you are eating, or drinking, you may wish to finish before reading the detail of this jape, lest you spray the contents of your mouth over your screen.

The football-mad bass player flipped his guitar over to flash the message “Mani United” in front of 70,000 fans at Heaton Park on Sunday night.

I know. I know.

It's funny because he's called Mani, and Man United is a football team. And one of the football team was there.

Oh, we talk of it still.

After the gig, Rio chuckled: “Mani United – that was awesome. I couldn’t believe my eyes when he did it.

“The guy’s a genius and the band were amazing.”

A genius, Rio? Why damn Mani with such faint, faint praise?

Mani United. We are simply not worthy.

Gordon in the morning: Further into base camp

Having spent two or three days after the first confused, slightly frightened piece on Ronaldo's "camp" behaviour backpedalling by running guff about the footballer standing near women, you might have thought Gordon would leave it alone now.

Oh, no.

I FEAR the sunshine has been getting to the normally well-attired footballer RIO FERDINAND.

Either that or the Man United ace has fallen under the combined spell of former teammate CRISTIANO RONALDO and gay fashion icon BRUNO.

Smart does try to tone down the playground construction of 'wearing tiny shorts = gay = bad', and relies on references to Bruno - who he talks about as if he was real and not a tiresome construct - to nudge his readers in that direction.

Trotting round his Tel Aviv hotel pool in tiny denim shorts and a multi-coloured crop top is a fashion crime of the highest magnitude.

It's a get-up camp Austrian fashionista Bruno might happily sport.

And he is a gay. Or at least would be, were he not a made-up, clumsy stereotype.

Gordon, though, is all man. And to prove it, he sends Richard White to stare at Victoria Beckham's breasts. Apparently breast reduction surgery is a sign of a new seriousness.

Gordon in the morning: An extended advert for a rival

Having spent the last week trying to interest people in SunExtremistTalk, Gordon now shares the love by spending time promoting Rio Ferdinand's egomagaizne #5 by letting Rio trot in to the Sun offices and show off a bit:

And who should call the Big Man when he popped into the Bizarre offices but Jacko?

However, it wasn’t former Scotland and Hibs midfielder DARREN, as I first hoped, nor X Factor flop LEON JACKSON looking for a job making tea.

It was none other than oddball legend MICHAEL JACKSON, inviting Rio backstage at one of his O2 shows later this year to film an interview for the mag.

What a wonderful coincidence that Jackson just happened to phone while Rio was at The Sun, eh?
No wonder the awkward photo looks more awkward than usual, though. Smart seems a little overwhelmed:

Now that’s a decent number to have on the old speed dial.

You're the showbusyness editor of the UK's best selling newspaper. You shouldn't be jealous of a footballer's contact book.

Still, if Rio's Rio magazine has better contacts, it's not like he's going to unseat you with writing and insight, is it, Gordon?

Here's Rio's thoughts on Oasis:

I THINK Oasis are brilliant. They are the first band I got into of that type of music.

Frank Lampard got me into them.

The first album, Definitely Maybe, is a classic. I’d love to get the Gallagher brothers in for an interview but they’d never go for it because I am United.

Uh-oh. Nothing of very much value to add to the debate, a desire to put himself at the centre of the story, and some extra names dropped to remind you just how well-connected he is? Maybe he could challenge for your job, Gordon. If he ever learns how to make a weak pun, you should start packing.