The Daily Mail has confused us

The Mail has some condescending fun with photos of Rod Stewart kissing a woman in the street:

Do ya think I'm sexy, Rod? Rocker Stewart kisses OAP fan in the street

Rod Stewart proved he still got what it takes to make a lady swoon - even if it is an OAP.

The rocker left one senior fan reeling yesterday after he planted a kiss on her lips as he left a Starbucks cafe in Bel Air.

The bespectacled woman was the envy of the street after the ever-charming 64-year-old weaved his magic.

Stewart was out with his 21-year-old daughter Ruby, who was left rather amused by her father's lady-killing antics.

So his daughter had a bit of a chortle at the thought of Rod kissing a (not actually that much older) lady, right? All good, clean, innocent fun.

Apart from the woman being thrust into the Mail simply because she happened to be kissed by Stewart, with no indication any attempt was made to ask if she minded being publicly made the butt of a Mail piece snickering at the idea of - heavens - someone kissing an older woman.

Now, maybe I'm getting confused, but when Jonathan Ross made a joke about having a dalliance with an older woman - an unnamed woman, until the tabloids invaded her privacy - wasn't that somehow taking advantage of her? Or is it only bad if you, erm, don't know who the person is?

Gordon in the morning: Gordon goes to the Q awards

Gordon doesn't want us to get the wrong impression: He's quite the man about town:

I’VE been to some pretty lively awards ceremonies...

Oh yes, he's seen people supping Asti Martini from dirty glasses, seen Johnny Borrell perform with a shirt on. Gordon thought he was unshockable. But:

but none as weird as yesterday’s Q Awards.

Oooh! Did Bauer decide to spring for a full-on black mass? Did strange half-human, half-shrimp like creatures swim through the air, distributing advertising material for the Kings of Leon album? Was Noel Gallagher talking backwards?

Worse than that, apparently:

Q Awards freak show

A freak show! Really? It's not just that Grace Jones turned up, is it?

Eighties dance diva GRACE JONES came close to stealing his crown as the biggest headcase of the night.

She was dressed like the Emperor from Star Wars and made about as much sense as Chewbacca on Class A drugs.

"dressed like the emperor" seems to mean "wore a face mask" - crazy, crazy times. And is Gordon suggesting that he could actually understand a Wookie who wasn't on drugs? "Come on Chewie, you're making no sense; I never should have let you have that tab..."

She compared herself to Lazarus in a speech so odd it had the crowd hiding behind their chairs.

I'm not quite sure why someone who has had some time away from the spotlight suggesting that she's been resurrected is quite so confusing to Gordon. Maybe he was sat there nudging his companions and whispering "she thinks she's a Boo Radleys song."

So, a woman in a mask who makes a bible reference - it's not that freaky. Hardly on a par with the days when Bedlam would be a tourist stop-off.

But there's more.

Ageing star MEAT LOAF’s truly cringe-worthy acceptance speech at London’s Grosvenor House Hotel left the crowd utterly bewildered.

Goodness, the audience spent a lot of time being confused and bewildered. It must have been like watching a spy movie with your grandparents - "what are they doing now? why are the saying that? which one is that?"

Meat’s people put the curious behaviour down to an eye injury and vertigo and whisked him off to hospital. He was still there last night.

So, he spent the night in hospital, which suggests that he was unwell. Is it entirely fair to call a bloke who needs hospital treatment a freak?

Apparently so. But Gordon's got more:

Eighties legend ADAM ANT,who has previously been sectioned under the Mental Health Act, said: “It’s good to be standing here. In fact, it’s just good to be standing anywhere.

“I can’t wait for the COLDPLAY royalties to come pouring in for the inspiration my outfits gave them.”

So Adam Ant is considered part of a freak show because he's had a mental illness? Gordon sounds slightly disappointed that Ant didn't run around in his underpants putting fruit on his head:

The man I thought most likely to be off the rails actually made the most coherent speech.

But it's not just the, erm, freaks that Gordon was bothered about:

What qualifies KIMBERLY STEWART to present an award to Coldplay

Yeah, where's her certificate from the University Of Making A Mumbling Speech? Has she even been to 'reading the word Coldplay off an envelope' summer school?

Perhaps, Gordon, the organisers thought she was qualified because she is known; perhaps she is known because your column reports on her doings as if she was famous. It's a bit like Frankenstein complaining about all these re-animated corpse monsters running about.

Gordon Smart gurgles again

Perhaps Rebekah Wade hasn't had a chance to see what Gordon Smart is doing at Bizarre at the moment. As someone commented yesterday, under Newton it was hardly Newsnight, but at least there was some attempt to pretend there was something more to it than going "here's a person in a bikini and it's making me feel a bit wibbly in my fireman".

This morning, Gordon is bringing us Rod Stewart's daughter in a bra ad:

Ruby shows off her boobies

I’d love to be a fly on the wall during a row at the Stewart residence.

I reckon there’d be Bristols at dawn.

Well, at least he's moved on from bangers, but we're not quite sure how he thinks his pun works - does he imagine that the women who share Rod Stewart's house fight duels with their breasts? What does he mean?

Then, it's on to Rhianna, at the Bambi awards. Gordon can't find the space to say who awards the Bambis, or what they're for, or who won anything. But there's lots of room to talk about tits:

Rihanna's bust great at Bambis

RIHANNA's never one to keep her bangers undercover and what better place than to give them an airing than at a red carpet event?

The really sad thing is, the accompanying picture shows that the dress she was wearing wasn't even that revealing.

Gordon, though, also hints that he'd not mind losing his virginity to an older woman, either:

To top it off veteran actress SOPHIA LOREN made an appearance and showed she's still got what it takes to mix it up with the young wrigglers.

The young wrigglers? Do you suppose the only reason nobody with any responsibility at the Sun has taken him to one side and had a word is they imagine Gordon is using street talk?

Kimberley Stewart: Her life is so hard

We've yet to have anyone explain to us exactly what it is Kimberley Stewart is for, so we were surprised to read of the challenges of her life:

"When you grow up in the public eye, everyone is waiting for you to screw up," says the 27-year-old model.

"If you do screw up, it's almost like everyone is relieved and they all say, 'I told you so' and laugh, and it's just horrible. There is so much pressure."

But, erm, aren't you in the public eye simply because you go round giving interviews about how you're in the public eye? The choice to turn "Rod Stewart's daughter" from a line on a genealogy chart into a job description was yours alone, love.

Hang about, though, she has got herself a job:

Her new series - Living With Kimberly Stewart - is on Living TV later in the year and documents her search for two flatmates. Their "prize" is to live with Kimberly in London rent-free for a year and look after the house when she's travelling for work.

That actually raises more questions than it answers - traveling for what work, exactly? And how is "looking after someone's house" a prize rather than being given a job you're not getting paid for?