Scissor Sisters: a load of old arse

How to explain the barely-there sales of the supposed big Scissor Sisters comeback album, barely managing to scrape together 50,000 people in the week of release? And that, of course, despite the sort of push which could have got a whale beached by Southport pier back into the water?

You or I might put it down to a ho-hum bunch of songs that barely inspire, but Jake Shears has another excuse prepared for low sales. It's the cover:

He continued: "The album cover is provocative and we may not sell quite as many records because of it. It wouldn't be the same if it was a woman's behind.

"I guess some people love us for who we are, some vehemently despise us."

Ah yes. Having an ass on the cover. That'd be it. Killing those massive sales to people who find a male bottom unacceptable to the point where they won't buy a record with one on, but who still like the Scissor Sisters nevertheless. That would account for the hundreds of thousands who are sitting this one out.

Gordon in the morning: Kylie on the pyramid stage

Gordon is confidently predicting that Kylie will turn up at Glastonbury after all, as the Scissor Sisters throw the kitchen sink at their set to try and restart their careers:

Kylie will perform single All The Lovers with the uber-camp pop band. And, as I revealed yesterday, they have invited SIR IAN McKELLEN to perform with them, too.

Meanwhile, the fawning is back full-on for Diana Vickers:

The chart-topping youngster got stuck into the Pimm's at her management firm Modest's summer party in London on Tuesday.

And I'd have done the same, if I'd just landed a quarter-of-a-million quid publishing agreement with Universal.

It's sterling work for Vickers and proves she can pen a mean tune.

Well, no it doesn't - signing a deal doesn't prove anything; the proof is if you're able to earn the money mentioned on the contract.

Darkness at 3AM: The Scissor Sisters return

The 3AM Girls bring exciting news.

The Scissor Sisters have made a brand new album.

No, please, please, try and keep calm.

After four years, you'll obviously be curious as to what they sound like, and the 3AMies have the scoop:

Scissor Sisters announced their return last night with a new album, Night Work, their first in more than four years. The sleeve is a YMCA-inspired take on Bruce Springsteen's Born In The USA and frontman Jake tells: "Night Work is us boiled down to who we are. It feels quintessentially us."

Well, I for one can't wait to listen to a record that sounds like it has a YMCA-inspired take on Springsteen on the cover. That's probably my third or fourth favourite genre.

Decade Null: Most played

God, it was a rotten ten years, wasn't it? The most-played tracks in the UK in the last ten years:

1. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
2. Shine - Take That
3. I Don't Feel Like Dancin' - Scissor Sisters

It's going to make a mockery of the solemn institution of gay weddings

Jake Shears and his partner, Chris, are going to have a wedding in springtime. The theme, it seems, is 'could this be any more gay':

Kylie, Matt Lucas and Little Britain's David Walliams and Geri Halliwell have been ordered to clear their diaries for a "glorious" day in Springtime in New York. [...] Jake has been talking about making it technicolour, with brightly coloured daffodils and tulips, a striped wedding suit, a flock of white doves and confetti at the beginning and end.

I'm not sure there's any such thing as "brightly coloured daffodils", what with them coming in a mix of yellows and whites, but we know what they mean.

The only downside, of course, is that they can't actually get married in New York, so the actual ceremony will have to be in the slightly-less-glamorous New Jersey.

3AM Girls have trouble counting

Perhaps part of the reason why fans couldn't get in to the Underbelly Show was the presence of media. Although we don't expect the 3AM Girls were actually there, and are probably working from pictures for this:

LOOKS like Beth Ditto's auditioning for The Vagina Monologues...

The Gossip singer stuck her head up Scissor Sister Ana Matronic's frock at the Great Escape Festival in Brighton.

So, erm, that would be a vagina dialogue, wouldn't it?

Bet it left Ana Comfortably Numb!

Eh? Has Beth Ditto's breath got anaesthetic properties, then?

Art for heart's sake

Ana Matronic, out of the Scissor Sisters, is currently popping up on the Arts Council website insisting that the arts literally saved her life. It's part of an initiative by the council to promote the value of public arts, although, obviously, they're not as important as the Olympics. Otherwise we wouldn't be cutting the funding for the arts to pay for the overgrown school sports day.

Scissor Sisters - Sniiiiiiiip!

In a further indication of how far from having fingers on pulses the Brits organising committee is, one of their key acts for next week seems to be heading dumper-wards, at least in the US:

Jake Shears, 29, is refreshingly honest about Ta-Dah. He said: "The single I Don't Feel Like Dancin' hasn't done anything. The album's dead. It flopped. It stiffed. It tanked."

Meanwhile, ITV is trailing the awards with Russell Brand wandering through cages of dangerous people saying, effectively, "ooh... we're going to be dangerous because we're live."
Russell, sweetheart, GMTV is live for hours every morning. Not being on tape isn't, in itself, a guarantee of edginess.