The exquisite old-world charm of Shaun Ryder

Ah, sweet old Shaun Ryder, eh? Accused of having ripped-off musicians during his career, his response is to threaten to have the complainant raped and murdered.

Apparently Shaun was proud that his violent anger isn't sexist and applied to men and women. He truly is the Leslie Philips of revenge rape, isn't he?

Gordon in the morning: Unfinished monkey business

Gorillaz are planning to do another live appearance. Or maybe not, if you read Gordon's column:

CANER SHAUN RYDER could derail the live comeback plans of GORILLAZ.

He could detail them, could he? How? Might he claim to own a patent on drawings playing guitars? Is he threatening to run amok with one of those Ink Killer pens that wipes out drawings? Has he simply eaten Simon's magic chalk so the pictures won't come alive?

The tubby rocker has been asked to rejoin DAMON ALBARN's gang at America's Coachella festival in April.

The animated outfit play their first concert in four years at the Californian bash on April 16, but the former HAPPY MONDAYS singer said: "The cheeky b******* want to fly me coach class over to the States then do a show directly. C'mon stingy. Cheeky b*******."

"Tubby rocker", Gordon? Really?

So, it turns out 'guest for one song moaning about having to travel like he was no better than Nicholas Winterton' is enough to derail a live performance. Let's hope Damon Albarn doesn't get a papercut, or that'll be it.

Black Grape: Back again

The return of Judge Fudge: Although Black Grape always had the air of something done while waiting for the Mondays to reform, Shaun Ryder has announced he's getting the old (B) gang back together:

Ryder said: "It's great, it's interesting, it's part two. I've had a break and now I'm back to do it. Danny Saber and I have a great working relationship and the time is right."

And, yes, Kermit's on board too. It's astonishing that Ryder could persuade everyone to put their... uh, other stuff... to one side to make this happen.

Shaun Ryder's hearing voices

I suppose the Happy Mondays have never been a band to worry overmuch about the idea of their legacy - after all, they never really bothered that much about survival, never mind how posterity will view them. But even so: Ghosthunting With The Happy Mondays on ITV2?

During the course of the programme - helmed by Yvette Fielding, naturally - they're going to have a seance. Possibly to try and contact Bez.

Son, I'm... uh, thirty... I think...

And this, then, would be your brain on drucks: Shaun Ryder has been forced to rely on an autocue to prompt him when onstage:

"Yeah, I forget the words. I need a bit of help. Is it any surprise after all the shit I've done?"

Let him have it

Paul Ryder whatusedtobeintheMondays and his current band Big Arm were in New York filming a video for their new single when, by chance, a swarm of police cars came into view.

Ryder started to yell something he clearly hadn't thought through. Excited by the idea of using New York's finest as unpaid extras in his film, he bellowed:

Shoot the cops! Shoot the cops!

Luckily, the police decided to ask questions rather than responding by shooting back.

Mondays shut out of the City

Last time they went to play the States, the Happy Mondays had to leave Bez behind. Now, they've had even more serious visa problems, and have been forced to pull their In The City of New York date entirely.

The official statement draws attention to the growing problems of getting British bands into America to play:

It seems that post-9/11 visa application restrictions for a band with the Happy Mondays history- know as much for their legendary lifestyle as their unique collision of rave beats, indie rock and street poetry has proven difficult this time. Essentially the US Embassy in the UK has halted the process of Bez’s visa application until the outcome of pending court proceedings. Unfortunately Bez was unable to come and shake his maracas at the bands first US performance in more than a decade at Coachella this spring. These proceedings should have concluded weeks ago but due to rescheduling, it made it impossible for a US visa to be issued in time for this weeks planned appearance.

Although the rest of the band were able to enter the country and perform at Coachella, it transpired that other band members - including Shaun Ryder - had been issued with single entry only visas, due to their prosecution histories. Although the duration of the term of their visas would have allowed another visit to the US, the single entry status meant that the whole visa application process had to be restarted upon their return from LA, placing their plans to appear in NYC in jeopardy.

The Happy Mondays are absolutely “gutted” at not being able to support Tony Wilson this week. However, they are sorting their visas issues once and for all—so the whole band— can return to the states sometime soon.

Oddly, the BPI seem to be very quiet on this one - isn't this the sort of thing they should be making a fuss about?

When the Kaiser met Shaun Ryder (and Shaun Ryder blanked them)

Ah, the excitement of life on the road. Kaiser Chiefs drummer Nick spotted a breakfasting Shaun Ryder:

"I gave him a peace sign but he didn't respond. He looked well though.

"Ironically, I was eating melon, but I wasn't twisting them and neither was anyone else... man."

Nor, as far as we can ascertain from the Daily Record's report, did Ryder go with Nick's mother because she was dirty, or call for Nick to tickle judge Fudge. He did, however, clearly not have a clue who he was.

Forget rehab: Maybe Brit and Robbie need ET?

With so many stars, former stars and social irritants checking into the white uniforms and regulated regimes of rehab these days, and then crashing out a few days later, it's becoming clear that simply "going to rehab" isn't even part of a solution. So, what to do when your addiction becomes too big to handle (and by "handle", of course, we mean "keep out the tabloids.")

Shaun Ryder could provide a way forward: he's quit methadone. And, you'd have to say, something which could separate Ryder from his methadone must be quite a good cure. So, how did you do it, Shaun? Miranda Sawyer suggests it was a slightly unorthodox approach:

He tells me, with glee, about the event that caused him to quit methadone. Shaun was, he announces, 'kidnapped by aliens'. He isn't joking. Shaun saw a UFO when he was 15 ('And once they see you, they do keep a check on you'), and it was after a Happy Mondays gig in Denmark last year that he and two other band members, Kav and Johnny, had out-of-body experiences.

I spend quite some time insisting to Shaun that he, Kav and Johnny must have been out of it, that someone must have spiked their drink, until Shaun just shouts: 'Or we was visited by aliens! I've had all sorts, I've had stuff from the Amazonian rain forest, but that doesn't explain the telepathy!' So I stop. Anyway, they asked the aliens some questions - 'they was a bit shady about [his kid] Jael' - and the whole experience got him off methadone, so well done to the ETs.

So, Shaun Ryder is, finally, apparently, straight, and setting to sorting his life out - and there's a lot of sorting to be done. Sawyer explains the way he's got stuck into having to send every penny he earns to his former manager to pay off a legally unenforceable contract - the courts said that even though it was unenforceable, he had to honour it because he'd previously managed to allow to be enforced; he's trying to do right by his kids, but he's got a lot of bad to undo there.

If Ryder can be sorted out, then there's hope for us all. It might just be a slower process than some newspaper reports of celebrity cures likes to suggest.

[Thanks to Jim McCabe for the link]