Coachella: The dead shall rise and walk amongst us

This year's Coachella has announced its headliners, and the secret is out. I say "secret", it's been kept so poorly there are Motel Sixes which look down on it.

Guns N Roses and LCD Soundsystem are both returning from the dead to headline.

LCD Soundsystem's comeback is so soon after they stopped working as to probably count as a satire. The Roses is less satirical than inevitable.

Buckethead is keeping April clear, just in case.

Coachella ban almost everything

This, from Dazed And Confused, is the list of things banned at Coachella.

D&C have fun with idea of banning selfie sticks and, more specifically, narcissists - after all, coachella without narcissists would be like premiership football without nasty replica shirts; most of the audience would be excluded.

But some of the other bans are equally ridiculous - no marker pens? A ban on "outside food" for a festival where you camp?

There's also a list of approved items, which is probably even more infuriating:

It's not entirely clear how Coachella square banning video cameras while letting in digital cameras and cellphones. And no laser pointers, but feel free to bring in lighters because fire never hurt anyone, right?

I'm hoping that there's going to be some sort of expert on hand to be able to judge whether a collapsable item is an umbrella (and thus, forbidden) or a parasol.

The presence of "dancing shoes" and "smiles" there is probably the worst bit of it all - "hey, guys, we're being a bit heavy here but, yeah, we can still have fun if you bring your dancing shoes and big smiles. Not too big, though. If you're grinning in a freaky way, we'll have to search you for drugs and/or drug paraphanalia."

Coachella: You might wanna be adored, but being known would be a start

The All-New Stone Roses might be quite a big deal in, erm, NME editorial meetings, but not so much at Coachella, the Guardian reports:

If the Coachella line-up looked like a triumph for the legends of British guitar music – Blur! Stone Roses! New Order! – then the reality proved sadly different. Not only were most punters we spoke to confused as to who (or what) the Stone Roses were, the crowd for both Blur and the Roses on the main stage was far smaller than the kind they've been commanding back home. Should we mock the Americans for not "getting" them? Or ourselves, for assuming anyone cared about our musical legends?

Handily, Spinner has an interview with the band's biographer Simon Spence which explains exactly why Americans might see the name 'Stone Roses' and assume somebody has badly mistyped 'Rolling Stones'.

Effectively, a mix of hubris, arrogance and bad timing led the band to develop a reputation amongst the music industry, and no profile at all in the wider America:

When Second Coming was released in 1994, they were in serious disarray but promoting themselves in America was a priority. They hired a high profile American manager, Doug Goldstein, famed for managing Guns N' Roses, and finally embarked on a major promotional push. Geffen's head of PR, Bryn Bridenthal, described it as a disaster. Goldstein was fired after few months later. He told me they band displayed a love-hate relationship with America 'We'd love to be accepted but fuck you if we're not,' he said. Ultimately, anyway, the whole thing was doomed to failure because, even though he was there, Reni had already quit the band.

With a replacement drummer, they did a short nine-date tour of the US in 1995 in support of the album. It was not entirely unsuccessful. It was not, however the success Geffen wanted. You're right, the label spent upward of $4 million on the band. The album, however, peaked at no 47 on the Billboard charts. The President of Geffen, Eddie Rosenblatt, told me the name of the band became a verb: 'The A&R guy brings in a band, and you say, 'Well, is this going to be another Stone Roses?'

But the band remain incredibly popular amongst paunchy middle-aged men from North West England.

RHCP wanted Coachella to beg

One day, mark these words, there will be a film, garlanded with awards, about the exciting circumstances of the Red Hot Chili Peppers agreeing to play Coachella:

Cliff Burnstein, whose firm Q Prime also manages Metallica and The Black Keys, told Rolling Stone magazine that the LA band signed on as the Sunday night headliner with only an hour to spare.

"We've been in talks for months," he revealed. "It goes down to the wire. It's a negotiation."

You were agreeing to pay a pop concert in return for an almost certainly oversized cheque. It's not like you were trying to get a group of Nuns out of a hostage situation before the end of a ceasefire.

And what of suggestions that, perhaps, the Peppers might be a bit too vintage for Coachella?

Burnstein also hit out at reports the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who played Coachella in 2003 and 2007, were no longer suited to play the festival. "We'll be right in the target demo for Coachella. It's surprising, but it's true", he said.

I suspect Burnstein is confusing the demographics of the people who pay for the tickets with those of the people who actually use them.

Linda McCartney used as Morrissey honeytrap

Or at least, sort of. Coachella was so desperate to score a Smiths reunion, they offered Morrissey an all-vegetarian festival to try and seal the deal.

And it wasn't only the meat that they were prepared to throw overboard:

"Fascinatingly they made it clear that they would 'not require' the Smiths' bass player or drummer," said Morrissey about his estranged bandmembers, "which I thought certainly said something."

Of course, all of this is "according to Morrissey" - and let's not forget the judgement of Judge Weeks that when dealing with those other band members Morrissey was "devious, truculent and unreliable."

I'm not entirely sure an entirely meat-free Coachella would even be feasible, would it? Would there be hot-dog pat-downs at the entry to the polo field campsites? What if another headliner insisted on putting bacon on their rider?

Dr Dre finally catches up with Cliff Richard

There's a lot of excitement at the idea of Tupac's "guest appearance" with Dr Dre a short while ago at Coachella.

Isn't this just what they used to do to get Laurence Olivier onstage at Time: The Musical back in 1985? Slightly better technology, maybe, but it was duff when Cliff Richard and Dave Clarke invented the idea; now it's just an expensively duff idea.

Still, given this slow moving of technology from the West End to hip-hop, expect a flying car onstage at Coachella sometime around 2025.

Gordon in the morning: Oh, don't take those sleeping pills

Noel Gallagher had some bother at Coachella on account of his stash:

“They [Coachella security] pulled out my sleeping tablets and asked me to explain them.

“There were about 30 little yellow and white tablets.

“I said, ‘In all seriousness Chuck, or whatever your name is, do you not think these would at least be down my sock? They are sleeping tablets.

“ ‘What do you want me to do? Take one before I go on stage to prove what they are?’ ”

Smart - who is in Coachella for some reason (presumably The Sun's US editor Pete Samson wasn't judged to be the right man for the 'job'?) - shares Gallagher's apparent outrage at this, the story calling the security guards "High Flying Bird Brains".

But hang on a moment - if they were over the counter sleeping pills, they'd be in a packet; if they're prescription, they'd be in a proper bottle, and presumably Gallagher would be carrying the prescription to help him answer questions at security lines. So either Gallagher has embellished his tale, or else has taken the decision to carry his pills in a plain packet for some reason - maybe to generate this sort of story?

And should security guards be disinterested in someone carrying a large number of sleeping pills anyway? Some people use them to turn off the effects of other, less-wholesome pills. Others use some types as part of their date rape kit. Obviously, Gallagher wasn't going to use his sleeping pills like that, but that means his outrage boils down to 'do you know who I am'?

Still, you've got to love the offer of popping a sleeping pill before the High Functioning Birds takes the stage - he slept-walk through the last ten years of Oasis, so presumably wouldn't be too much of a challenge for Noel.

Refused again

Here's one I don't think anybody saw coming: Refused have reformed.

It's been a motley 14 years since our band came apart. We've all kept busy in our respective endeavors but we've all remained friends and kept in touch. There have been offers, and lots of jokes about these offers. We've sort of looked down from our high horses and made fun of people who've just wanted to share the psychopathic intensity that we would deliver on a nightly basis in our post-pubescent prime. A reunion has just seemed irrelevant to us. Too much other shit to do.

But then Kristofer got his degree from the Swedish opera academy, Jons medical studies began drawing to a close and Dennis and David started a new hardcore band together. Finally, after a decade and a half hiatus, Kristofer picked up the guitar again. Which made David want to play the drums again. Which in turn led to all four of us suddenly making new music in assorted constellations. As all this was brewing, Coachella got in touch.

There is going to be a point where Coachella starts to run out of bands to drag out of their various crypts.

Coachella saved for an ungrateful demographic

As always seemed likely, a deal has been hammered together to allow the 2012 and 2013 Coachella festivals to happen. Local residents weren't keen on the festival, but were won over by the revenue it brings.

So, 2012 and 2013 are safe. I expect we're looking at another struggle in two years; by that time, the balance may be shifting towards the uppity residents.

Coachella under threat as Indio takes on indie

Coachella's future is looking a bit wobbly, as The City Of Indio is dragging its collective feet over signing a deal to allow the festival to run in the future.

It's not entirely Indio's fault - people in Indio have the sort of problems with festivals most festival neighbours have, but the City has hitherto largely balanced those against the massive revenue the event brings in.

Now, though, the next city along, La Quinta, has started to raise objections. It's been developing in the area that runs alongside the festival site over the last decade and - although people have moved in aware there's a big festival held down the street - they're starting to make a fuss.

As KCET reports:

In a 4-1 vote on October 4, the La Quinta City Council voted to request that Indio complete a review of the festival under the California Environmental Quality Act (CEQA) to assess the environmental impact of the noise, traffic and pollution generated by the festival each year. In response, Indio's City Council agreed at a meeting the next day to delay approval of a two-year contract with festival promoter Goldenvoice for thirty days, so that the two cities can negotiate over details.

Why are La Quinta's complaints carrying more weight than those of Indio residents? Simple: the homes being built in La Quinta are significantly higher-end than those of the host district.

La Quinta is unlikely to kill the golden alt-rock goose, but as more people move in, getting a licence isn't going to get any easier.

In battle between 'a bit special' and 'big pile of cash', special never wins

Coachella, one of the few festivals which still felt like a proper experience, is going to run a repeat of the 2012 weekend. The following weekend.

Same bill; seven days later. It's like the ultimate in timeshifting. Soulless, money-grubbing timeshifting.

Death is not the end

Reuniting for this year's Coachella festival: Death From Above 1979.

Yes, I thought that at first, but it turns out it is five years since they last played together. Five years!

Gordon in the morning: Unfinished monkey business

Gorillaz are planning to do another live appearance. Or maybe not, if you read Gordon's column:

CANER SHAUN RYDER could derail the live comeback plans of GORILLAZ.

He could detail them, could he? How? Might he claim to own a patent on drawings playing guitars? Is he threatening to run amok with one of those Ink Killer pens that wipes out drawings? Has he simply eaten Simon's magic chalk so the pictures won't come alive?

The tubby rocker has been asked to rejoin DAMON ALBARN's gang at America's Coachella festival in April.

The animated outfit play their first concert in four years at the Californian bash on April 16, but the former HAPPY MONDAYS singer said: "The cheeky b******* want to fly me coach class over to the States then do a show directly. C'mon stingy. Cheeky b*******."

"Tubby rocker", Gordon? Really?

So, it turns out 'guest for one song moaning about having to travel like he was no better than Nicholas Winterton' is enough to derail a live performance. Let's hope Damon Albarn doesn't get a papercut, or that'll be it.

Coachella call single-day visitors "clogging"

Charming. Coachella have axed their one- and two-day tickets for this year's festival. As, you'd guess, is their right. But the official reason is a little unflattering:

"The thing is," [Goldenvoice leader and festival architect Paul] Tollett [told the LA Times], "there’s a lack of hotels in the Coachella Valley, and most have a three-day minimum. Many times what happens is people get a hotel for the three days, and only go to Coachella for one or two of the days. They hit Friday and Saturday, and go home or rest at the hotel on Sunday. That’s no problem, but the problem with that is that there are people who want that hotel and are going for three days. The single- and two-day people are clogging up the hotels and making it so people who want to go for three days can’t find a hotel."

I'm not quite sure this actually makes sense, does it? There aren't going to be any fewer people going to Coachella - the day passes are being absorbed into the number of whole-festival passes being offered - and there aren't going to be any extra hotel rooms.

So this sounds like there aren't enough hotel rooms in Coachella Valley; and that's being used as a problem so that pulling a popular ticket option can be presented as if it was a solution.

Glasvegas drop Coachella

Ah, that nasty "exhaustion and dehydration" has claimed another victim, with James Glasvegas succumbing to being tired and in need of liquids. As a result, Glasvegas have pulled out of Coachella.

Bowie: I really really wanna Ziggy-Zig, ah

There is some hope in the original story is sourced to the Daily Star, and thus probably not entirely true, but even so: worrying that David Bowie is apparently thinking of bringing back Ziggy Stardust for Coachella.

Actually, how would he do that anyway? Would he try and squeeze back into his 1970s jumpsuit, or would he do an aged-in-real-time Ziggy? The first would be embarrassing; the second, if done correctly, would be unwatchable. Ziggy in 2009 would surely be occasionally popping up in Bizarre to complain about the way his Christmas Record got ignored by Radio One, and perhaps facing the ignominy of having Phil Jupitus fail to spot him in a Buzzcocks line-up ("... is it number two, Toomuch Angeldust?...")

Bowling for a pig

How everyone laughed and pointed when Roger Waters set free a pig during his Coachella set. The pig floated above the sun-burnt heads of the gig-goers. And then floated off.

Which was a bit of a bugger, as Waters had spent a lot of money on that pig, and hadn't expected him to disappear. So he's now offering a reward for its safe return.

CMJ prints some details of how to identify the pig, presumably in order to help you distinguish Waters' pig from any other floating porcine balloon you might come across in California.

Portishead at Coachella

Bits and pieces from Coachella are starting to turn up online - for example, Deaf Indie Elephants is currently hosting the Portishead live set.

Coachella for both sides

They're not calling the East Coast Coachella the East Coast Coachella, of course - that would be too simple. No, it's going to be called All Points West Music And Arts Festival. But everyone will call it Coachella East, so they might as well get used to it.

No details beyond a vague 'August 8th - 10th in New Jersey's Liberty State Park' for Coachella East - actually, that's not that vague; but there is now a full line-up for Coachella Proper, which happens on the West Coast in April.

What's coming now is a long list of bands, so jump over if you could care less.

Friday, April 25:
Jack Johnson
The Verve
Raconteurs
The Breeders
Fatboy Slim
Tegan and Sara
Madness
The Swell Season
The National
Animal Collective
Slightly Stoopid
Mum
Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings
Stars
Battles
Aesop Rock
Midnight Juggernauts
Does it Offend you, Yeah?
Minus the Bear
Spank Rock
dan le sac Vs Scroobius Pip
Diplo
Adam Freeland
Santo Gold
Jens Lekman
John Butler Trio
Vampire Weekend
Dan Deacon
Architecture in Helsinki
Sandra Collins
Busy P
Cut Copy
Black Lips
Datarock
Professor Murder
Reverend and the Makers
The Bees
Porter
Rogue Wave
Modeselektor
American Bang
Lucky I Am

Saturday, April 26:
Portishead
Kraftwerk
Death Cab for Cutie
Cafe Tacuba
Sasha & Digweed
Rilo Kiley
Dwight Yoakam
M.I.A.
Hot Chip
Cold War Kids
Stephen Malkmus & the Jicks
DeVotchKa
Flogging Molly
Mark Ronson
Turbonegro
Scars on Broadway
Islands
Enter Shikari
Calvin Harris
Boyz Noize
Junkie XL
Cinematic Orchestra
Jamie T
The Teenagers
VHS or Beta
Carbon/silicon
Erol Alkan
Yo Majesty!
Little Brother
Bonde Do Role
St. Vincent
Akron Family
MGMT
Institubes DJs (Surkin, Para One and Orgasmic)
James Zabiela
Sebastian
Kavinsky
Dredg
The Bird and the Bee
Grand Ole Party
New Young Pony Club
120 Days
Yoav
Electric Touch
Uffie

Sunday, April 27:
Roger Waters
Love & Rockets
My Morning Jacket
Spiritualized
Justice
Gogol Bordello
Chromeo
The Streets
Metric
Danny Tenaglia
Simian Mobile Disco
Booka Shade
Murs
Dmitri from Paris
Autolux
The Field
Linton Kwesi Johnson
Les Savy Fav
The Cool Kids
Sons & Daughters
Sia
Holy Fuck
Black Kids
Black Mountain
The Annuals
Kid Sister w/A-Trak
Man Man, Duffy
I'm from Barcelona
Manchester Orchestra
Deadmau5
The Horrors
Austin TV
Shout Out Louds
Plastiscines
Brett Dennen

Love And Rockets? Blimey. We're surprised that The Breeders are coming further down the bill than The Verve - and, much as we love Portishead, that they're above Kraftwerk. But not as surprised at the appearance of Jack Johnson on the bill at all, never mind headlining a day. Roger Waters, we can understand - he used to be in a band with Syd Barrett, which buys him a certain degree of kudos. But Johnson? The man who ruined Curious George for us? Really? Have they thought about that one?

Prepare to drop Shields?

The appearance of My Bloody Valentine on MyBloodySpace - complete with classic line-up - has fuelled the talky-guess-network that is the internet with rumours that the band are going to play Coachella.

With the Mary Chain having got back together for this year's Coachella, it's clear that they're engaging on a slow-motion replay of the Rollercoaster tour. Blur with Coxon and Damon's penis on-stage for 2009, then.