Football? Is that still going?

It seems the people who own Manchester City aren't that happy with Sven Goran-Eriksson, and have told him they're going to sack him over the summer. God alone knows why they're so upset he's got to go, but not for a couple of months. Perhaps they're deciding if they'd be better off playing cricket instead.

Anyway, the most famous Man City supporter isn't happy, either. Noel Gallagher, who lives just a step or two from the Man City ground in London, Manchester has started honking:

"To get rid of him [Eriksson] after the best season I can remember is ridiculous. It can't be for any footballing reasons.

"For a club that's been going nowhere fast for the last 25 years, with a manager who's the best out there bar Jose Mourinho… he turned it around and gave us a bit of style and dignity and grace. He bought some great players. The fans have got pride back in the club… I just think it's beyond a joke.

"We've got a manager who's got style. If the owner thought they could come in and qualify for the Champions League straight away then he's tripping. It'd be like sacking David Moyes at Everton or Martin O'Neill at Aston Villa because they didn't qualify. It takes more than one season.

"Eriksson is a graceful and dignified man. This guy Shinawatra has come in and he seems like a bit of a nutcase. The only thing that will get him off the hook is if he's got Mourinho lined up. Apart from Mourinho Eriksson's the best thing out there.

"I'd be amazed and appalled if I met a City fan who thought getting rid of Eriksson was a good thing. They all love him up there. I'd give him a big kiss and say, 'You know what, you take them to the cleaners.'"

Sorry, we would have edited that down but couldn't actually find any bit worth saving. We did, however, find some pretzels we'd forgotten about in the bottom of the bag. Delicious.

Gordon in the morning: Flogging the Swede

By, Gordon might not have much to work with, but he's certainly spinning what little he has out, isn't he? Having made a lead piece yesterday out of an alleged off-the-cuff remark by Sven Goran Eriksson about how he thought Alesha Dixon was "his type", Gordon makes the story his lead today as well, asking Alesha what she thinks of it.

Her response:

You’re winding me up? Sven, who is, like, 100? Oh my God! He’s older than my dad!

“All I can say is Jose Mourinho is the only football manager who is good looking.”

Doubtless the empty Bizarre pages on Monday will be filled with a response from Jose.

Gordon's also struggling this morning with his response to Britney Spears' ever-unfolding world:

Last week I had a lot of sympathy for Brit as she was rushed to hospital. But she clearly has no intention of getting herself back on the straight and narrow.

It must be frustrating that she tends to morph into her latest form of off-kilteredness after The Sun has gone to print, but since the 'being rushed to hospital' is part of the same mental health crisis that led to yesterday's pink-wig-and-seven-hours-in-Mexico excursions, isn't it a little odd to be sympathetic for one and not the other. Is it really fair to be patient with someone suffering from an illness dependent on what symptoms they're presenting? Is Gordon like this with the people he lives with? "Sorry, mam, when it was just sneezing I had sympathy for you, but now it's that hacking cough it's time for you to mysteriously get better somehow".

Gordon has also run an advert for the latest Maxim in the form of pictures of Petra Nemcova from the latest issue. Aware that this might look a little gratuitous, Smart attempts to construct a news-based rationale:

Are you missing me, James?

PETRA Nemcova flaunts Beautiful curves – to show James Blunt what he’s missing
[...]
Supermodel Petra, 28, was the pop heart-throb’s Czech mate before 30-year-old James dumped her to play the field with a string of other stunners.

So, she's doing this "to show James Blunt what he's missing", is she, Gordon?

Erm...

Now she has hit back by unveiling her ravishing form in a new ad campaign as the face of undies firm La Senza.

Ah. So it's her job rather than anything to do with Blunt at all. Curious that Gordon believes everything women do is something to do with men, isn't it?

Gordon in the morning: Sven watches TV

Let's take a moment to praise Gordon this morning: most people would have an unsourced quote from someone supposedly related to Man City that Sven had muttered something nice when Alesha Dixon had come on the television and thought "well, that might make a small piece if there's a tiny gap on the page when we come up to deadline".

Not Gordon, though: he's built his entire page around the remark:

The snake-hipped shagger from Sweden has set his roving eyes on Strictly Come Dancing champ ALESHA DIXON.

And when Sven wants a woman, he normally gets her.

All he said, apparently, was:

"how impressed he was by her dancing and that she was definitely his type."

From this, Gordon "bets" that Sven has "studied [Alesha's] form in detail" and makes a grisly suggestion that Dixon is like some sort of Frankenstein-cum-blender amalgam of women Sven has had relationships with.

If this is enough to lead the page, everyone should be on their guide. Tell someone you think Kate Nash has a nice smile, and Gordon will deliver 300 words speculating that you've been stalking her.