Weller: No talent showing

Paul Weller has drawn a line. You won't find him going on a talent show:

I'd be too embarrassed to be on those shows. You get some of these kids who think they're a little bit 'edgy', got a bit of a Pete Doherty haircut. You're not edgy, really, mate. Otherwise you wouldn't be on an effing talent show, would you?

Hey, Paul - you don't have to be so spiky. One of the Pearsons out of Five Star had a go on The Voice a couple of weekends back, and she did alright. You'd deffo be in with a chance of getting through to the second round.

Hang on... let me read that again...

Would I be a judge? Would I hell.

Oh, he's turning down a fictional offer of being a judge. You're alright Paul, I think even Simon Cowell might baulk at the idea of your special brand of wasp-chewing misanthropy on a Saturday teatime.

Prince Harry: He's like the Simon Cowell of aristocrats

Say what you like about The X Factor and all the other programmes that ape The X Factor, but at least they offer a chance to people into a field of human endeavour where success is too often based on who your parents are, rather than what you can do.

Isn't that right, I Blame CoCo?

So, the TV talent show: the last bastion of merit over inheritance. Sort-of merit.

There's something we can celebrate, right.

Hang on, What's this?

Prince Harry to host new British musical talent show

Harry? Seriously?

What's he bring to the table? "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" "You instruct your father's driver to take you there."

Naturally, he isn't really hosting - the surprisingly named Linda Gentile pulls back from the headline almost straight away:

Today, August 18, it was announced that Prince Harry will be a guest of honor on a new TV series for BBC.

Ah, so hosting and guest of honour. Tell me, Ms Gentile - in your official role as "British Royal Family Examiner" - what will he actually be doing?

Prince Harry's and Goldie's show will go through Britain, looking for people who've had to overcome deep challenges. It will show later this year. The prince will choose 12 young people for a three day residential workshop, where they'll be mentored by musical experts such as Guy Chambers and Cerys Matthews.

The idea is to put together a performance for the prince and audience of invited guests at Buckingham Palace.

The British Royal Family Examiner? Does that have a ceremonial dress? Is it a medical thing, or an educational examiner? I hope it's not educational, as that would mean your main job would be going "well... there might be a lot of fails, there, but luckily your job only requires passing a DNA test. Don't look so paniced, your highness, I'm only joking about the DNA test."

Anyway, it turns out that from hosting the show, to guesting on it, Harry's role will be sitting around at the end, watching the winner and applauding quietly. On this basis, doesn't this mean The Queen hosts Britain's Got Talent?

Capital of Culture update: Liverpool's Got Talent

If only Liverpool had a pier rather than the Pier Head, for Phil Redmond's stewardship of the Capital of Culture year seems to be an end-of-the-pier show in search of a venue.

Just announced is a talent show with a prize money can't buy. If the workings of the Liverpool Culture Company so far are anything to go by, being close to organisers might help, but money? Money won't buy the prizes:

The winner, or winners, will play a starring role in the closing ceremony of Capital of Culture, make a guest appearance in Hollyoaks and win £1,000.

Curiously, given that this is supposed to be an open talent contest, two of the prizes seem to suggest that specific talents would at least be an advantage of some sort.

So, who are the judges?

The star judge is Jennifer Ellison - music fans will recall the extent to which her estimation of her talents diverged from those of the general population; there's also Emma Rigby, who is in Hollyoaks, apparently. And:

Liverpool comedienne Pauline Daniels, ex-Brooksider Philip Olivier, celebrity hairdresser Herbert Howe, Sir Paul’s brother Mike McCartney and The Farm guitarist Keith Mullin will also be judges.

Keith Mullin is a lovely bloke, and Macca's brother at least has a track record. But, really, Herbert Howe? He's going to bring his way with a styling brush as a way of judging stars?

It's fine for a bit of fun; a bank holiday bit of nonesense. But when you're trying to show the depth of talent a city has, it undermines you a little if the best judge you can find is the man who styles the hair of the woman who does the books for the man who wrote the cheques for the now-defunct Brookside.

Kittie cat's cradle legal mess

Great news for lawyers: an almost pointless legal row has exploded between Kittie and producers of America's Hot Musician.

The Oxygen TV reality show - which is attempting to discover a brilliant instrumentalist for some reason - includes Talena Atfield as one of the judges. To establish Atfield's bona fides to pass judgment on musicians, the opening credits of the show featured a snatch of her in a previous life, playing with Kittie.

Trouble is, Atfield's departure from Kittie wasn't entirely smooth, and they're annoyed she's using them to create this new life in front of small audiences on cable television. It might have been better to turn a blind eye, but instead, the band sent a cease-and-desist letter.

Now, the makers of the show are countersuing:

According to a press release issued by American Youth Symphony (AYS), producers of the show, federal court documents in AYS's lawsuit against Oxygen Media LLC recently revealed that Oxygen claims to have received notice of a cease-and-desist letter on May 14, 2007 from a law firm on behalf of the Canadian all-girl metal band KITTIE threatening immediate legal action if the program aired on the network. This allegedly took place one week before AYS received a cease-and-desist letter from KITTIE on May 21, 2007, which was subsequently posted on the Internet by the show's producers.

AYS Artistic Director Gregory Charles Royal said in a statement, "If we find out that what is alleged of KITTIE is indeed true, that they tortiously interfered with our business, notwithstanding the fact that they had no claim whatsoever to any infringement of copyrighted material within our program, they will be singing for their supper for a long time."

Nobody exactly comes out of this looking good, but if AYS had cleared the clip in the first place, there wouldn't have been a problem - and to repsond with a petulant and threatening press statement means, wherever the point of law lays, it's clear to see who has the moral high ground. (Clue: not the company threatening to bankrupt a band because they objected to uncleared use of their footage.)

Madonna tries to become Cyborg Cowell

Of course, Madonna will have precious little to do with the day-to-day running of Big Shot, some ill-conceived attempt at a cross between America's Got Talent and YouTube, but the involvement of Maverick is enough for her name to add some much-needed sparkle to the idea.

Effectively, you're being invited to upload video of yourself being talented, then deliver your on and offline friends to vote for you, with one winner every day getting a prize. A duff prize, though, because all it is is an audition with a "Hollywood rainmaker", and entry into another talent competition.

The organisers of BigShot are, clearly, very excited at the idea of selling advertising:

"These individuals become marketable talent," said Madison Road partner Jak Severson. "The notion is, as long as you're popular, advertisers want to market around you."

Although if you're popular and smart, you might want to think about sticking your own video on the web, slapping some Google adwords onto the site, and keeping the rake-off for yourself. After all, wouldn't a half-decent Hollywood Rainmaker seek you out anyway if you're that good and popular?

While you might argue that BigShot could deliver an audience that a self-promoted site wouldn't, it's clear that, nope, their business plan is that you're supposed to bring your own eyeballs:

Rather than lure random surfers, "Big Shot" hopes contestants will rally their online peers -- think MySpace friends, etc. -- to visit the site and propel them to victory.

"It's all about an 11th grade kid who already has an online fanbase using his virtual friends" to get ahead, Maverick TV topper Michael Rosenberg said.

So, let's get this straight: you provide the audience that Maverick and Madison Road will sell to advertisers, you provide the content, and all you get is a chance at a shot of entering a talent show? That's not, exactly, the most enticing deal.

Maverick, of course, isn't new to this whole crushing ("nurturing") new talent thing - they were behind the poorly-thought-out screentime wrong that was I'm With Rolling Stone.