Hard-Fi keep Londoners hailing, healthy

We're not sure that, while it's obviously great that Hard-Fi are fronting a campaign to try and persuade people to stick to proper taxis during the festive season, who the campaign is aimed at.

After all, if the danger of being driven down a side street and raped or murdered isn't enough to put you off getting into some rusty old car driven by a sweating no-mark, is it likely "Richard Archer told me not to" is going to change your mind?

Anyway: if you're in London, and text HOME to 60835, you'll apparently be texted back with a list of proper cabs in the area.

music hard fi

Borrell does his bit for England

What will cheer up the England team as they try to come to grips with being rubbish?

God alone knows. But what they're getting is a gig by Johnny Borrell, which he seems to think is to lift their morale but seems more like a fitting punishment for pisspoor performance to us.

Interestingly, Borrell is going to do the gig solo - not that Razorlight is in its last few days or anything.

music razorlight johnny borrell

Blue: You too?

What with the lumpen new album and the "me too" reunions, maybe it might have been better if Take That hadn't got back together.

Latest band to try and reverse their post-split fortunes is Blue, who are reuniting despite only having broken up a few months ago. Apparently, it was seeing Take That counting the money ("performing") which persuaded them, reveals Lee 'elephants are dying' Ryan:

"SIMON (WEBBE) and I went along to An Audience With Take That.

"Simon turned to me and said we should do it. The next day we called the boys, and they were really keen, too.

"We've spent the last couple of days in the studio recording stuff."

Perhaps they should have gone to see an All Saints reunion gig before committing themselves to anything.

At this rate, Westlife will be reforming by March, without even bothering to split first.

music blue lee ryan

Record companies discover another interesting way to waste cash on legal fees

While we're sure they have some really subtle game plan that means it's not just a bit of corporate cock-waving, the decision of the RIAA companies to sue Allofmp3 in New York seems to offer them little more than the prospect of buying more condos and cars for American lawyers.

While it's almost certain that the US courts will find in favour of the record companies, it's not clear what good a judgement would do for them. How, exactly, do they intend to impose the will of a Manhattan courtroom on a server somewhere in Eastern Europe?

So, if they win, they've got an expensive judgement that won't mean anything without a secondary case in Russia; and, in the unlikely event they lose, the record companies will have generated themselves an unhappy green light for Allofmp3's business. The end result will be either pointless or reckless.

You can just about see that taking direct legal action in Russia might have had some sort of sense to it, so it's curious that the labels haven't followed that path.

Can't be that they're no so certain that their interpretation of Russian copyright law is more accurate than that of Allofmp3's, can it?

music riaa allofmp3

Refreshed

More updates on the collection of other people's albums and tunes of the year, including the tracks chosen by Seattle's gay bloggers...

Tapes N crime scene tape

And at Christmas, too: Some asshole has pinched Tapes N Tapes stuff from a van in Perth. Just as they were about to fly home after their Australian tour, as well.

Amongst the stuff gone is a big muff with Gene Simmons face on it (or possibly a big face with Simmon's muff on) and a couple of Mac laptops. There's a full list on their MySpace blog of what's missing - let them know if you suddenly discover Fagin's gang are about to go on tour.

music tapes n tapes

Robbie Williams is not popular down under

It used to be unfair to suggest that Robbie Williams, having failed to interest America much, was popular only in his homeland. His fans could point to large followings in other countries, most notably Australia, to build a claim that he had a global following.

Not for much longer, though, as lacklustre, through-the-motions performances on the Oz leg of his current tour saw "hundreds" choosing to take an early dart rather than hang around for the finale.

Still, there's always Germany, eh? We bet he's still well-regarded there. And maybe in Belgium.

music robbie williams

Rootkit: Sony settles with computer owners

The row over the dangerous software Sony-BMG forced purchasers of some of the label's CDs to install on their computers has reached its legal conclusions, with the company getting off lightly: it's going to compensate anyone who can prove its malicious code damaged their machines to the tune of a whole eighty-nine pounds.

Compare that settlement with the demands Sony-BMG makes when it believes it has some sort of evidence that people have been file-sharing some of its copyrighted material - the cost of making a deleted track available on the web is claimed to be thousands of dollars; yet Sony see leaving people's personal data open to attack and theft as being worthy of only a handful of coins.

[Thanks to David Scott for the tip]

music sony bmg

A writer's faith is failed

Matthew Fisher, the organist who did the organ-y bit at the start of a Whiter Shade of Pale, has won his legal battle against Procul Harum to get a slice of the copyright:

Mr Justice Blackburne ruled he was entitled to 40% of the copyright.

Fisher, from London, had wanted half but the court decided lead singer Gary Brooker's input was more substantial.

Fisher's claim for back royalties - of up to £1m - was also rejected.

"I find that the organ solo is a distinctive and significant contribution to the overall composition and, quite obviously, the product of skill and labour on the part of the person who created it," the judge said.

And is Gary Brooker embracing the time of year and being a good loser?

Erm, not quite:

In a statement, Brooker said his former bandmate had no right to be credited as a writer of the song: "If Matthew Fisher's name ends up on my song, then mine can come off!"

He added: "It's hard to believe that I've worked with somebody on and off since 1967 whilst they hid such unspoken resentment.

"I'm relieved the trial is over, but my faith in British justice is shattered."

It's terrible when someone loses their faith in British justice, especially when it had managed to remain intact through the Birmingham Six, Guildford Four, Stefan Kizcko and Colin Wallace cases. But the question of who wrote the first bit of a song is so much more important, of course.

music procul harum

Pink wants sheep's arses left untouched

If you're fresh out of ideas for Christmas gifts, and are toying with the idea of buying a sweater - perhaps with a reindeer on, or maybe a snowman - stop and think. First, don't do it, because it's a rubbish idea and the giftee will hate you and you'll have ruined their Christmas. Secondly, if it's made from Australian wool, Pink will come and kick your ass.

She's calling for a worldwide boycott of Australian wool products until the country bans the practice of cutting off the back end of its sheep without putting the sheep under first. The farmers do this to try and prevent maggots infesting the sheep's butts - look, we know you're eating, we're sorry. There seems something rather gung-ho about thinking "how can we stop maggots eating our sheep's bottoms? I know, let's cut the bottoms off, then there's nothing for them to feast on. Job done."

Australia is a little annoyed at Pink:

Australian Treasurer Peter Costello said the practice stopped sheep dying of maggot infestations and was humane.

He questioned Pink's expertise, saying: "Pink is entitled to her views but at the end of the day would Australia's farmers take advice from Pink?"

Costello said that that mulesing was a better option than leaving sheep to die.

"Sheep are at risk of being fly-blown and dying... it's not a pretty sight," he said. "Mulesing is not a pretty sight either but it's a damn sight more humane than letting a sheep die fly-blown in a paddock."

You have to hope he never becomes health minister - "let's cut the kids' throats out - that'll stop 'em getting tonsillitis..."

music pink peter costello

Opik: It's not just his girlfriend who's Cheeky

What seemed at first glance to be just a curious melding of clapped-out novelty pop and brain-crunching politics is starting to take on a new shading, as Lembit Opik turns out to have been lobbying to keep Gabriela Irimia in the country.

Apparently, the Home Office had decided during the summer that The Cheeky Girls be denied further leave to stay in the UK; Lembit had a word with immigration minister Liam Byrne when he met him in a corridor:

A Lib Dem spokesman said: "Lembit acted with total propriety with regard to this matter.

"He did what any MP would do, and referred the matter to the appropriate Member of Parliament.

"At no stage did he lobby anybody on this matter. He simply referred the issue through the relevant and proper channels."

So, that's good news then: if any of you have any immigration problems in the future, it turns out the "proper channels" is to get your boyfriend (or girlfriend) to hang about in Westminster and to "mention" the case to any passing immigration minister. Because, of course, otherwise that would mean that Opik was using his status to get special treatment for his honeypie, and Opik is, of course, an honourable man.

As it turns out, Romania joins the EU on January 1st, whereupon the Girls' problems will vanish - rather like their recording career did. So, if they can avoid deportation for ten days or so, they'll be fine.

Meanwhile, Gabriele has denied there's anything strange about the magical romance:

"Our relationship is really genuine and it's not out of a pantomime or anything like that.

"We understand each other really well and we are looking for a long relationship here."

Only a cynic would seize on the word "here" as being somehow key.

music cheeky girls lembit opik gabriela irimia

Dylan tries to close down Factory

Bob Dylan has got the hump - or, more accurately, added to the size and range of various humps he carries with him, in the way greengrocers carry their coins and notes, in a large canvas sack-cum-apron slung round his waist. He's not happy that he's sort-of-being blamed for the death of Edie Sedgwick in Factory Girl, the film of her life.

A character based on Dylan is depicted having a fling and then rejecting the Warholian satellite, triggering her descent into drugs and eventual suicide; Bob is believed to be fuming and threatening to call in some lawyers to make sure he doesn't have his reputation tarnished by the movie. Even although, erm, the movie doesn't mention him by name. Which means, to sue, he'd have to actually name himself as the person the movie shows triggering the descent - theoretically opening himself up to a libel action from himself.

music bob dylan edie sedgwick

I am beautiful, in the shape of a cigarette, probably

In what is being carefully described as "footage surfacing online" and, thus, is in no way a carefully-controlled PR stunt to promote next year's solo album, Brett Anderson has popped up on YouTube singing Beautiful. The Christina Aguilera song.

It's not thought that Brett often sits in front of a video camera bellowing about how beautiful he is. As that would be so out of character.

music brett anderson christina aguilera

I still love you, but I've chosen darkness... again

Long-lost, mostly, but oft-sought, I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness' self-titled debut five-track ep is about to get a second wind. It's celebrating what's been a rather spiffing 2006 for the boys, and although the thing is mainly being shipped to US stores there should be a few finding their way across the Atlantic.

To tempt you, there's even an mp3 of When You Go Out, if you need any persuading.

music i love you but I've chosen darkness

Kooks hide behind Monkey shield

Stage school kid with his eyes full of stars Luke Pritchard has issued a public note of thanks to the Arctic Monkeys for sparing them the public eye:

"God bless the Arctic Monkeys, because if it wasn't for them we wouldn't have been so shielded. We were so overshadowed by the success (of Whatever People Think I Am, That's What I'm Not) that we crept in behind everybody's back.

"Arctic Monkeys shielded us from getting too much attention."

Luke... does it occur to you that what spared you from being in all the papers and on everyone's lips was not that people were talking about the Arctic Monkeys but... well, they just weren't that interested in you?

music the kooks arctic monkeys

I predict an out-of-court settlement

You would have thought that Ricky Wilson from the Kaiser Chiefs - remember them? - would have been pleased that Girls Aloud helped his bottom line by doing a cover of I Predict A Riot on their recent tour.

But he's not, because they changed the words. A teeny, tiny bit. "Borrow a pound for a condom" became "borrow a pound for a phone call":

"I don't give a shit if they don't change the words. But they did change the words," Ricky told the Daily Star. "I'm gonna cover a Girls Aloud song and change all their words but make them really filthy. They said 'Borrow a pound for a phone call'. What? It's illegal, Girls Aloud. We're after you."

It's not clear why Girls Aloud, who hardly are demure by any definition we've yet come across, would have felt uncomfortable singing "condom" - surely it'd be worse for people to think they don't have mobile phones than for their audience to assume that they actually have sex with people?

music ricky wilson kaiser chiefs girls aloud

We hate it when our friends remain fairly well balanced

Pete Doherty seems to have turned up the heat on the simmering resentment he seems to have harboured since The Libertines were liquidated in light of his inability to keep appointments, having a girly attack on Carl Barat:

"Do I miss him? He used to get me good crack. That'll do 'innit? He's still really pissed off. But I know he's not like that. He's someone who likes drinking. That's the hypocrisy of it."

Because, of course, enjoying a couple of lagers is virtually the same thing with breaking into your friend's house, stealing his stuff, flogging it, and spending the cash on drugs to pipe straight into whatever vein you haven't already buggered up.

"I paid the price. I got kicked out of the band. And with nothing, no sweat from anyone, we got it together with Babyshambles.

"We really got it. All he's got is the fact that he was in the best band and now he's in the worst band. And he needs to sort that out."

Hmmm. Except, of course, it's not really true, is it? Babyshambles sound like The Libertines without someone to provide a sense of direction, while Dirty Pretty Things have the air of a person rediscovering life after a snap divorce out of a passionate but ultimately destructive marriage.

music pete doherty carl barat libertines babyshambles dirty pretty things

Robbie Williams is not going to bounce a young lad on his knee

Despite the widening opportunities for adoption by parents of all backgrounds in the modern world, Robbie Williams isn't going to have any children to call his own:

"I don't know if I want to be in a relationship. I don't believe that to be fulfilled you have to have kids.

"What's the point? I can't guarantee my child won't suffer pain - because that kid's going to be in pain at some point in their life.

"I don't want to see that. It's too much."

Well, if you keep them away from your last album, you'll be protecting them from the worst of it, surely?

Still, it's not all bad news:

"It's time for Robbie to go away in people's minds - not to be in Britain for a while."

See? Who says he can't take a hint?

music robbie williams

There's nothing worse than begging for it

Yes, yes, your season of goodwill and all, but who can truly find it in their hearts not to throw at least a small festive snowball at Cliff Richard for begging people to buy his new record?

His website pleads:

"Cliff has a good chance of hitting the No. 1 spot this Sunday with '21st Century Christmas', but sales need to continue over the next few days.

"Please buy copies for family and friends - let's all do our best to help him achieve that 'No. 1 in a sixth decade'!!"

Let's not even ask what sort of friend gives another friend a Cliff Richard single as a present - but just in case you harbour someone like that in your circle, you'd better get some practice in saying "Oh, how splendid" like you mean it.

Of course Cliff is keen to flog as many copies of this record as he can - even under the current copyright rules, he'll be earning off his performance until 2056. We're surprised he doesn't just ask for cheques made out to him personally and cut out the middle men.

Why not tell family and friends that, in place of gifts, this year you have chosen to make a donation to Cliff Richard instead?

music cliff richard

Chinese Democracy: No, really, it's coming

If Chinese Democracy does show up, it's going to be a real shame - clearly, it's going to stink like a bucket of clams left in a glass elevator on a hot day, and there's no way it could be half as much fun as playing the "guess which date Axl is announcing next" game.

Axl promises the bucket will be filled on March 6th, 2007, confirming the belief that his promise of a 2006 release date was just a bit of hokum.

It's not clear what, after ten years of work, still remains to be done which requires three months further fine-tuning, but we have a feeling the to do list might still contain "write some songs" and "record some songs".

music axl rose guns n roses

Gospels silenced

Patti LaBelle has axed her planned Gospel According To Patti tour, citing "differences with the promoters" - we imagine that's going to be along the lines of they hoped the gig would be playing to rooms full of paying customers, and she didn't think it that important.

The whole thing will be re-arranged, she says. Well, what's a gospel without a few miracles?

music patti labelle

McManus dropped by local radio

We have to be honest: we didn't know that Michelle McManus off one of those shows where Simon Cowell shouts at people even had a job right now. But she does.

Or, rather she doesn't, as her Saturday night show on Clyde 1 has just been axed:

"Michelle has a special talent of connecting with listeners and she will be missed in our New Year schedule. But we have some exciting plans for the Clyde 1 line-up in January.

"Michelle leaves with all our best wishes and the door is always open for her to return to Clyde 1."

We love the suggestion that they're going to miss her so much, but be brave and will try to carry on, while they're nailing planks and painting "Keep Out" over her locker door.

music michelle mcmanus

Lady Sovereign's guide to staying safe

Crime. It's like a terrible beast, only a beast armed with guns and knives and tasers and polonium. We know, we've seen Tonight, Tonight with Trevor McDonald.

You need to stay safe. And how can you protect yourself from bullets?

Lady Sovereign recommends a good bra:

"I dodged a bullet once. It was at some awards in London.

"These people were shooting, and I heard the bullet go whooosh, like, literally past my ear.

"Then this woman, she got shot in her tit. But it hit her bra, so she's lucky.

"Men should wear bras."

Yes. Men should wear bras. Although the trouble you avoid by having a bra catch a bullet for you might not offset the extra trouble you attract by turning up at a Damon Dash night wearing a bra.

music lady sovereign

Too many broken hearts in the showbiz world

The usual fall-back when attempting to paint a picture of a person at sea with popular culture is to invoke that judge asking "What are the Beatles?"

But perhaps it's time to update the image - how about A Beatle asking "what exactly is a Jason Donovan?"

To be fair to Paul McCartney, Jason's not really done that much recently, and it's unlikely Macca's had the chance to watch very much ITV what with all the legal business and the flying back and forth and so on.

music paul mccartney jason donovan

Peaches Geldof: Give her the full ten years

We're still trying to decide if Peaches Geldof is just incredibly dim, or actually accepts that she's not as well-known as she'd like to be.

Whatever the thought process behind it, she tried to get into Koko using a forged passport with a changed age on it.

That, of course, is a crime which could see her thrown into prison for the next ten years - by which time, of course, she'd be able to get into KoKo legally. So everyone would be a winner.

music peaches geldof

Snoozing Jack Flash

Pete Townshend has let slip a conversation he had with Mick Jagger recently, in which Jagger seems to be frustrated by his colleagues' declining work rate:

“I asked Mick, ‘How’s it going?’ He said, ‘Well, I’m still doing fucking everything.’ Ronnie and Keith’s big decision is whether to get drunk.”

To be fair, Mick, most men of Ron and Keith's age are starting to think about buying a small house in the Algarve and giving up work for good. That's the ones who haven't fallen out of trees onto their heads requiring a period of brain surgery, of course.

music mick jagger keith richards rolling stones pete townshend

Opik meets Margrit

The Liberal Democrats are always full of surprises, aren't they? As if all their fun of 2005 wasn't enough, now Lembit Opik, the walking bad-hand at Scrabble, has ditched his wife-to-be Sian Lloyd in favour of... one of the Cheeky Girls.

No, us neither.

The Cheeky Girl's mother is delighted with the move, describing Lembit as a "very nice man":

Mrs Margrit revealed the MP has even befriended their pet Irish wolfhound.

She said: “It’s the girls’ bodyguard but Lembit bought him some chocolate treats and they got on really well.”

Isn't giving dogs chocolate as dangerous as, say, asteroids and meteorites hurtling towards earth?

Gabriella, for those of you able to tell the Girls apart, is thrilled to be dating the Lib Dem's intellectual powerhouse:

“I want to give him a great surprise. I’ll definitely dress up sexily for him!”

The thought that the great surprise might be the discovery that it's a buy-one-get-one-free deal is making us come over a little queasy.

lembit opik gabriella margrit cheeky girls lib dems

Michael Jackson attempts to make Christmas a moveable feast

Having encouraged representatives to gather in some takers for a GBP1,700 party ticket, Michael Jackson has now decided to shift his Christmas do in Tokyo until, erm, March.

The following day will see something called a "fan appreciation event", which presumably will be for the fans to appreciate Jacko, and for him to appreciate their money.

music michael jackson

Stick to Da, Da, Da

Worrying times as we enter the Christmas period, as the government discover that many of us aren't literate enough to read the words on the karaoke screen.

Thank God at last someone has found a way of persuading kids it's worth reading - "if you don't do your book learning, you'll never be able to sing Angels without mumbling through the difficult bits..."

Amongst other songs the government worry are too challenging are I Will Survive and Mustang Sally - which the report describes as being by "The Commitments". Proving that literacy and knowledge are two separate things entirely.

music

Oh, really?

We're a little surprised to hear that The Killers have already been asked to do the next Bond theme.

Surely they'd wait until the film had been, you know, scripted at least?

music the killers james bond