Robbie Williams is not running about in the fresh air

You'll recall that Robbie Williams built a giant football pitch in the back garden of his house in LA. If you build it, he figured, they will come.

But they didn't come. The expected procession of top-flight footballers coming for a kickabout never showed up.

Now, Robbie thinks he's worked out - they're shy, Mary Ellen, they're shy. So he's building an indoor pitch so Beckham, Pele, Ronald Dino, Roy Race and that kid out of Striker can come and play with him, without fear of being spied on by giant helicopters swooping out the sky.

But what about the x-ray robots, Robbie? Maybe David Beckham won't leave Tom Cruise until you can promise protection from x-ray robots.